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This has been the longest short week ever and even though I’m so happy to have made it through to Friday and even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel growing brighter by the minute, I know that this day is going to be a hard one to get through. All my favorite coworkers are out, the ones who make me laugh, the ones who have my back and I’m left feeling a little lost and overwhelmed.


Today was just as hard as I knew it would be. I feel overworked and worn thin. I feel empty and on the verge of tears and I feel angry at myself for being so weak. It shouldn’t be so hard to just work the same as everyone else. Of course, I have to remember I’m working at a deficit in body and in mind, and in addition, I’ve had to give up what little energy and focus I have to things I don’t love with my whole heart. Doing that, day after day eats at the soul.


It’s date night tonight! I finally made it out of work and I’m rushing home now so I can quickly change my clothes and head right back out the door. I need a night of good food, a stiff drink, and some time away with my wife. We’re heading to our favorite movie theater for a showing of Jojo Rabbit, a film she’s been pressing to see but I one have doubts about, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll just be happy to be anywhere at all with her.

Update: She was right, Jojo Rabbit is an amazing film and we should have seen it months ago!

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As predicted, another poor night’s sleep has me dragging my feet and snapping at everyone around me. I wish I could do us all a favor and isolate myself but with all the work I have on my plate through next Monday at least I have no choice but to subject all of us to my unpredictable moods.

Coffee is helping and there have been moments of peace I can lose myself into and come out again like the Lisa they all no and love, it’s just that she can’t stay very long.

I have to get back on track with my workout. I really think that will solve so much of my problems with sleep and energy. I’m like a dog wound up too tight with nervous energy. I need to exhaust myself every day to keep those little worries from getting stuck in my head. They get stuck in my head like bits of songs and play on a loop for hours growing louder and louder until my alarm goes off and it’s time to start another day.

Thankfully, the weather is already beginning to warm and this feeling of being cooped up, of boredom and restlessness will pass. Every once in a while I swear I catch the scent of spring in the air. Early yesterday morning it was rain. This afternoon I smelled flowers. Soon nature will return and, in turn, welcome us back to the world with promises of breathtaking beauty and adventure. I cannot wait to be rid of this winter and of who I am in it.

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A decent night’s sleep had turned everything around. Now I just need a few more nights in a row like it and I should be back to my old self. My hopes aren’t that high though. I never sleep well more than a night or two at once. I suspect tonight my mind will be back up to it’s old tricks and by tomorrow I’ll be my old lethargic self.

But for now, I feel good. I’m in the mood for work, for people, for trying hard and making progress. Unfortunately, my return to sociability has made painfully clear that my poor mood and lack of patience over the course of the last couple of weeks has burned a few bridges, but that’s okay, they weren’t ones I was eager to cross back over any way. What I care to repair I will and to be honest I only care to repair relationships with people who understand and need no explanations or apology, anyway.

And maybe the time for making up and making things right isn’t while I’m still in the middle of trying to get well, to get off my medication, and to just make it through each day with my self worth and enthusiasm for life intact.

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I was on my own today but instead of being angry for the lack of support I’m choosing to be proud. I’m proud that I can count on myself and come through for myself when no one else will. I proud of myself for being so capable and courageous. I’m not perfect. I made mistakes today and I won’t pretend I was my best self, but I showed up and got the job done.

I’m proud of me but underneath it all I can’t help feeling a little bitter too. I wish I didn’t have to be so capable and courageous. I wish I could count on more than just myself.

If I’m honest, it’s not really so bad as I make it seem. I’m not usually on my own like this but I can see now how fragile the safety net is, on many levels, and that scares me, and that fear, that is what pushes and exhausts me. It’s exhausting to have to try so hard all the time because I know there’s no guarantee that there will be anyone there to catch me if (when) I fail.


The doctor’s office called today to set up my infusion appointments for my new medications. I didn’t even know we were going forward with the medication change until I got the call! It’s a good thing but part of me still hoped that everything would get better so that nothing had to change. But it’s a good thing. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s a good thing…hopefully.

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I had thought today would be spent doing absolutely nothing, but this weekend has already been so much about me, my needs, and my self-care I felt it was time to dedicate some time to taking care of my home and other obligations. So, today is about cleaning, completing projects, and getting ready for the workweek.

While I’m in the kitchen washing and meal prepping my wife is busy about the house hanging art and making this place feel a little more like a home. The walls have been bare for years but it never really bothered me. I just figured there wouldn’t be much difference either way so why spend the money or put holes in the walls? But seeing the rooms with even just a few frames and pieces up I get it now. A home isn’t a home until you give it personality.


As the evening wears on I continue to improve. I didn’t realize how low I had sunk last week or quite how long it would take to pull myself back up, but I did it. I’m ready to face the world again tomorrow and to make sure I don’t let myself get so overwhelmed again. I’m going to do a better job of holding myself afloat from now on.

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Thank god we have an extra day off from work this week because I am in no mood for chores or errands or any of my usual Sunday stuff. And anyway, it’s family day, so it’s not like I have the time.

Today will just have to exist outside of time. There will not only be no work but there will be no reading, no writing (besides this), no schedule, no learning, and definitely no cleaning, organizing, or planning. I won’t let myself worry about what I have to do, what I should be doing, or what would be best for me to do. It feels so good to rebel every once in a while, even against yourself.


Family day was wonderful. Seeing my sister, my brother and his wife, my niece and nephew, and their dogs was just what I needed to recalibrate my attitude. It feels good to be around people who really know you, accept you, love you. One of life’s greatest tragedies, I’m now convinced, is how much more time we’re forced to spend with coworkers, bosses, customers and clients than we get to spend with our loved ones because we have bills that need paying and health care that needs covering.

After family day we took my little sister on a run to the thrift store. We found some art for our bare walls, a glass container to use as a new terrarium, and, of course, a new book, a collection of three plays by Aristophanes.

Afterward I saw my mom for one of our hilarious and awkward visits. The past is such a hard place to revisit but it’s easier when you can hold hands, go there together, share the pain, be honest about it, laugh about it, and guide one another back out again with understanding. My heart is a little lighter than it was yesterday and that is an awesome and rare gift.

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I woke up still feeling a little down on myself so I’ve decided to scratch all of the plans I had, all the things I felt I had to get done and instead I’m giving myself permission to take care of myself. I need to take some time not just to rest and to do the bare minimum for myself. I need to find a way to feel good about myself again, inside and out.

So, long hot showers, a thorough exfoliation and a deep condition, a face mask, and some real time spent in the creativity room is all I’m putting on the agenda for today.


I’m feeling so much more comfortable in my skin now.

My wife brought home some flowers to brighten the house and with her here and all the time I spent just for me has me feeling all the way better! I’m myself again. I’m comfortable. I’m safe. I’m, dare I say it, happy? I wish I could have more days like this. Days to undo all the damage the world does to me and all the damage I do to myself too.