348 // Still Here

I’m amazed at the way I have held on so far this week. That it’s only Tuesday should give you some idea of how physically and emotionally exhausted I am right now. The good news is the holiday shopping is just about finished and after this evening the shipping should be done too.

Until then, work isn’t demanding much from me, but the threat looms and makes it impossible to truly either work or relax fully. I don’t particularly want to work, but I feel guilty about not doing anything productive, so I try to do a little of both at once, but I’m not feeling satisfied either way. So, I set a timer on my watch and I’m just going to make myself type for the next 25 minutes and see where that gets me.

Outside of work, I’m trying to keep perspective. My wife and I are fine, but it always feels like we’re sitting at the center of a great and terrifying storm. All around us is chaos, an ever-present threat of destruction and annihilation. I can control the calm, but the storm is beyond me. Out there are other people’s problems, tragedies, and choices. Out there, the storm can sweep me away unless I stay centered myself.

I’m working on remembering that not all things are happening to me. Some things are simply happening to the people I love and while that is enough to break my heart, I have to be careful not to take what isn’t mine. Other people’s pain belongs to them. I have plenty of my own to attend to, anyway.

Outside of my circle, there has been more loss. We’ve had quite a few past and present coworkers and acquaintances pass away these past couple of years and I worry the circle is closing in. Death spirals in, you know? So far these losses have been at arm’s length. Not enough to grieve, but just enough to disturb the illusion and remind you of your mortality. Just enough to make me feel grateful, too.

I am still here.

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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