349 // A Place to Return To

I’ve noticed lately that no matter what I think my workday will look like, it almost never turns out that way. Things come up, things get rescheduled, things get remembered. I’ve had to change course and shift my thinking quite a few times, but practicing acceptance is helping me cultivate flexibility. It’s getting easier. I’m feeling happier.

I haven’t given up on schedule. I still use my calendar and will continue to do so regardless of the chaos. The schedule helps me stay on track, and if I lose my way, it provides a place to return to.

We’re staying inside today in anticipation of high winds and weird weather. This morning a cold front blew in so fast I was able to watch it happen. Dark brown and grey clouds raced overhead toward the just rising sun, turning their tops bright red. On the ground, debris swirled through intersections and plastic bags took flight. The scene felt dystopian, and a strange feeling of dread settled in. I needed to get indoors.

Work-wise things are calm. I’m doing my best to keep my calendar light through the rest of the week as I ready myself for the two-week break. Planning for planning, I suppose. It’s easy since I’m good at disappearing. Even while standing in a room full of people, no one sees me. Some days it hurts, but some days it can be to my advantage.

I can observe, and I can think, two of my favorite past times—two of my greatest strengths. I wish everyone had time in which they could retreat into themselves. I wish everyone liked themselves enough to do so. When people can’t stand the space inside their own minds, they won’t allow others to pull back either for fear they may be left alone to contend with reality. It’s ok, I promise. Try a few moments of it.

Microdose the void.

Build a tolerance to existence.

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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