Catching Up

“if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?”

If I called you right now to catch up, it might surprise you to hear from me after such a long time away. I would say the things that everyone says. I would say I was sorry I hadn’t reached out. I would say it wasn’t you, but the work hours that have grown longer and the hours leftover that get shorter and shorter all the time.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would say I have been tired, that I have been stressed, and that I have piled too much on my plate. I would tell you that between my work, my family, my wife, and my home, there isn’t enough of me to go around. There isn’t enough of me left for me, and I am starting to feel it. I would say that through all of it though, I have missed you, and I would mean it though I would feel powerless to change it.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would want to tell you about all the good things too. I would tell you that I have been working out and that, for the first time in my life, the way I look on the outside is starting to match the way I feel on the inside. I would tell you that if you could see me, you might notice that it’s not just the shape of my body that has changed, but the way I carry myself, too. I feel more confident. I’m surer of myself. It’s an amazing feeling.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would tell you that I’m still working with special needs students by day and writing for We’re Not Really Strangers by night. I enjoy both jobs, but I’m beginning to long for something that is only mine. I’m thinking about school again. I’m thinking about a book someday. I’m thinking about my own story and the ways that only I can tell it. I’m wondering how I would change the world if I could.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would tell you that getting older is getting harder, but I am delighted to find that the wise ones were right all along. There is always something new to learn, especially about yourself, and, as it turns out, you can change as often and as much as you like. I’m learning a lot about people, about different ways to love, about how to be a good friend, about how to want more, and about how to accept less. I thought I knew all there was to know about all of this, but I was wrong, or maybe it’s just that those ideas worked for who I was and not for who I am becoming.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would ask if you knew what I meant. I would ask if you have ever felt the same. It’s hard to know if it’s just you or if everyone goes through the same things. It’s hard to know if you are explaining your life in a way that makes sense. If you are explaining your life the way it really feels to live it.

If I called you right now to catch up, I would tell you all that and a lot more has changed, but I would also tell you almost everything else has stayed exactly the same. I would tell you that I am still happy and healthy. I would tell you that I am still very much in love and still very married. I would tell you that my friendships have only deepened, that I am still working and writing when I can, and that, as always, I am frustrated by the how little time there is for all the thoughts I want to think, the things I want to make, and all the nothing I want to do.

If I called you now to catch up, I would tell you that I have missed you and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you aren’t feeling stressed. I hope your days feel like they belong to you. I hope all the things you love have stayed, and if you lost anything, I hope you know there is always more love you will feel someday.

If I called you now to catch up, I would tell you that I don’t want so much time to pass between us next time. I would tell you I have a plan to write more this month and to get to know who I am again in this place, but nothing in life ever seems to go according to my plans. I would tell you that I have doubts about whether I can really do it. Something always gets in the way. I always get in my way.

If I called you now to catch up, I would thank you for being here, for listening, and for making me feel seen. I would tell you to go enjoy the rest of your day and that I’ll call you again tomorrow.

🌶️