Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: Anxiety

  • 079 // Repairing the Day’s Damage

    First thing this morning I got an email from the doctor, my liver results still don’t look good and further testing, and further med changes may be in order. I read the email in the car while my girlfriend drove us to work and I nearly broke down in tears. I’m just so tired of it all. Tired of being tired and tired of all the reasons I’m tired.

    I got to do more of the new work I was doing yesterday and that took my mind off of things but then my anxiety and health issues came up at in front of my boss, and her boss, and many of my coworkers, and I spent the rest of my day feeling like everyone was looking at me, talking about me, feeling sorry for me, or judging me. I felt exposed and embarrassed, and I ended up having to leave early because I couldn’t handle it.

    When I got home things got better. I pulled up my to-do list and one by one marked off all the things I’d been putting off. I darted around the house, inside and out, and for everything I cleaned up, took care of, fixed, or put away I felt a little better about myself. And now, it’s time for bed, and I’ve nearly repaired the day’s damage, but it’s going to be hard to return in the morning and face all those faces again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • If We Were Having Coffee // Nothing is Inconsequential

    If We Were Having Coffee // Nothing is Inconsequential

    Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

    The sun is up and out and all reports promise temperatures near 60. It’s concerning to have such warmth in winter but I’m so ready for all this snow and ice to finally start melting. I’ve got all the windows cracked hoping to cleanse my soul with the crisp clean air. Perhaps Punxsutawney Phil was right, Spring does feel awfully close today.

    So, pull up a chair and help yourself to a cup. I’m craving a bulletproof egg latte myself but for the less adventurous I have the usual cold brew and the Moka pot is always on if you want something warm. Let’s talk about last week!

    “My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.”

    — Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week felt very long. Our weather was all over the place again. We started the week with snow and freezing temperatures and ended with sunshine and ended nearly 15 degrees above average.

    Despite the rising temperatures many of our streets are still covered in think layers of ice. Weeks like this are hard when you work in a school bus. Traffic was awful and accidents were happening everywhere. We ran very late and had more than a couple of close calls. It was frustrating but in the end, I was just glad we made it to and from safely.

    In addition to that stress, I spent much of the week especially exhausted. Between my girlfriend’s lingering cold and cough and my anxiety, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over a week now. I’m coping well though, considering. Extra coffee and afternoon cat naps have certainly helped. I’m hoping the new workout routine I’m starting today will help too.

    I’m debating talking to my doctor about trying medication to help mitigate my anxiety. I can see that my old coping mechanisms aren’t working as well and I feel myself slowly losing control of my body and my thoughts. I’m tense. I’m irritable. I’m getting “stuck” more often on small inconveniences and any amount of change has become terrifying. Nothing is inconsequential anymore. Nothing is insignificant. Nothing is okay!

    I’m overwhelmed and I need help but asking for it isn’t easy.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my resolutions this year are being implemented in stages. My plan is to take some time at the beginning of every month to reassess my goals and decide what I need to start doing as well as what I want to stop doing. I never want to be working toward what I used to want, you know?

    Last month’s resolutions included not drinking alcohol and cutting back on my sugar intake, as well as writing, reading, and doing my Spanish lessons on Duolingo every day. I did well on all fronts though cutting out sugar proved the most difficult. The stuff is in everything!

    As for this month, today I’m starting a beginner bodyweight fitness workout, a few days ago I enrolled in a Coursera online course, Social Norms, Social Change I to kick off my resolution to always be taking a free online course. Besides those two resolutions I’m resolving to post weekly on Zen and Pi again, and by mid-month, my weekly-ish newsletter will, hopefully, return.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m working on a proper post to wrap up Dry January but I want to quickly say that, for me, the difference between a moderate alcohol habit and drinking no alcohol at all was not drastically different. I lost a few pounds but that could have just as easily been a result of lowered sugar intake.

    I’m working on a proper post to wrap up Dry January but I want to quickly say that, for me, the difference between a moderate alcohol habit and drinking no alcohol at all was not drastically different. I lost a few pounds but that could have just as easily been a result of lowered sugar intake.

    I didn’t sign up for the Dry January challenge because I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but because the medication I’m on is affecting my liver to such a degree that a relaxing glass of wine after work would impact my system much more than it would other people.

    Unfortunately, after an ultrasound and further blood tests this week, my doctor has determined that I suffer from a mild case of “non-alcoholic fatty liver disease”. I’m of the belief it is yet another long-term side effect of steroid use after my initial diagnosis of ulcerative colitis, but there is no way to know for sure. In any case, I’m being advised to continue to severely limit or abstain entirely from alcohol.

    So, my little experiment will become a long-term habit change and to be honest, I’m a little sad about that. I don’t feel reliant on alcohol but I have always enjoyed it. It seems a small thing but I enjoyed alcohol the way other people enjoy new and exotic foods. For some people, cooking food, experimenting with food, sharing food, and learning about food is a big part of their lives. I enjoy trying new drinks and playing bartender for family and friends. I enjoy pairing wines with meals and knowing just what kinds to recommend to others who are less experienced or knowledgeable.

    Going forward that will have to change, and I will have to change too.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s Super Bowl Sunday here in the states, a sporting event turned unofficial national holiday but here at home not much fanfare is being made. One of the things that has kept my relationship together is our mutual disinterest (and oftentimes disdain) for the cult of football. We’ll watch because the commercials are awesome, but the outcome won’t mean much to me either way.

    Instead, we’re spending the day cleaning the house, relaxing, and making more wedding plans.

    Yesterday we looked at yet another venue but this time everything felt different. We fell in love with the place the moment we walked in. It’s intimate, urban, located in the heart of the city and most importantly, it feels like us. It isn’t the outdoor location I originally envisioned, but it’s not far from an outdoor ceremony location we’d considered previously. And, in the case of inclement weather, this place can accommodate saying our vows indoors. It’s as close to perfect as I can afford.

    This week we’ll put down the deposit and lock in our date—which was miraculously still available!—and start chipping away at the seemingly endless list of decisions and to-do’s leading up to our big day.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sunlight is coming in low through the west windows and the air coming in is chilling fast. It’s time to start dinner and to turn the game on. I may not care about the outcome but to not watch feels like too great a transgression against societal norms.

    I hope you had a good week. I hope you accomplished something and if you didn’t I hope you know you can begin again tomorrow. I hope whoever you are rooting for tonight wins and that you celebrate safely tonight.

    Until next time.

    Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

    Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

  • 029 // Tonight, I’m a Mess

    I can’t believe we’re not even halfway through the week yet, and this godforsaken month seems determined not to end. Why don’t the weeks of April through October ever feel this long? I suppose times slows to a crawl when you’re miserable.

    I spent most of the day dealing with medical professionals, staff, and drug companies. There was good news, or, rather, there was information which did help put my mind at ease. But, moving forward with new treatment means a battery of new tests and appointments and it also means more anxiety. I’m trying my best here but it’s hard.

    So, tonight I came home, claimed a corner of the couch as my own, wrapped myself in my comfiest blanket, and let my girlfriend know that is where she could find me for the rest of the night. Tomorrow I’ll be strong again, but tonight I’m a mess, and that’s okay.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • If We Were Having Coffee // The Art of Worrying About Worrying

    If We Were Having Coffee // The Art of Worrying About Worrying

    Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

    The sun is shining this morning but it won’t be for long, according to forecasts. We’ll be going from a high over 50 degrees today to one of only 28 tomorrow. We’re looking at snow, again, and I’ve got my fingers crossed for another snow day but the chances are slim. So, I’m soaking up the sun while I can, before I’m forced out into the cold tomorrow. I’ve got the blinds open and a few windows cracked, letting the crisp air in.

    So, pull up a chair and help yourself to a cup. I’ve got plenty of cold brew ready or I can put the Moka pot on if you’re craving something warmer. Let’s talk about last week.

    “Life isn’t sugarcoated. Why should coffee be?”

    — Tommy Wallach, Thanks for the Trouble

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it was a wintry week here in Colorado. This week, in fact, felt like the very first time winter had made an appearance at all. We had blizzard conditions, icy roads, freezing temperatures, and stand still traffic across the city. But as much as the traffic, the snow, and the cold inconvenienced us all I was glad it finally arrived and not just because of the resulting day off of work.

    While most of the worry over climate change focuses on the coastal regions, and rightly so since their homes and businesses may be underwater as a result, we sometimes forget—here in the middle of the country where mountains fill streams from snowpack and cool air rushes over peaks to cool our cities—that we are just as vulnerable. Our mountains are not the strong and steady defender we imagine them to be.

    We’re seeing less snow, warmer winter temperatures, and less water in our rivers. We’ve been seeing hotter and hotter summers and higher and higher chances for wildfires. A warm dry winter might feel nice, but it’s troubling too. I sincerely hope we see a lot more snow in the coming weeks and months—and a few more snow days spent cozied up on the couch wouldn’t hurt either, you know?

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the snow made the short week an even shorter week which threw everything and everyone off at work. Then, we had more snow, which made for even more confusing and anxious conditions. We made a lot of mistakes and we all, including me, had to take a moment to admit our shortcomings and resolve to do better, to slow down, to pay closer attention, and to make better choices, no matter what.

    For my part, I have to ask more questions. I have to get more involved, double-check, and see for myself more. I know that my coworkers are smart and capable, but I have to remember that they aren’t perfect. I have to help them out, and all of us in the process, by being a second set of eyes and ears and picking up the slack where they will from time to time undoubtedly drop it—as they would do for me.

    At the same time, we all, especially me, have to learn to separate the big and dangerous mistakes from the little baby mistakes. We have to separate the mistakes we might have changed from the ones wholly out of our control too. I saw a lot of people stressing about things that had no discernible impact and that could not have been avoided. All that stress is contagious, and we were spreading it around like a bad rash, making a bad situation worse for no reason.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I leveled up in my anxiety when I managed to make myself sick by worrying too much about not worrying too much.

    I talked a bit about it already but last Friday I received some bad news. The medication I am on to control my ulcerative colitis is working, but it’s damaging my liver. So, I have to be moved to something new. Something new means a whole lot of “what if’s” and worrying. Worrying that actually triggers my symptoms.

    After my initial freak out, I tried really hard to calm down, and I tried really hard not to worry about all those “what if’s” but I ended up triggering my symptoms anyway when I couldn’t get the consequences of all this anxiety out of my head. So, now I’m just trying to think of anything else. I’m trying to occupy my mind with books and writing, and getting out of the house later for shopping and sun.

    Tuesday I have an appointment with my GI to discuss my future medication and hopefully, she will answer some of those “what if” questions and put my mind at ease. She’s usually pretty good at that.

    If we were having coffee, I would have to bring up the current state of politics in this country. I don’t know where you fall on the political spectrum and I certainly don’t want to argue. I’m not here, today anyway, to change minds. I think many of us are past that. I think right now most of us are just tired. I am tired.

    If you are one of the federal workers who has struggled through this government shutdown, with the loss of pay and, in many cases, with a lack of options to express your frustration and needs, my heart goes out to you and I hope with all my heart that this two or three-week reopening can be made permanent. I hope this will never, ever happen again, but I confess, I am almost certain it will.

    Earlier this week I read an article about the way politics functions in this country and how it leads to situations just like this one and may lead to worse and deeper deadlocks in the future. I think the tide needs to shift. We need to find a new way to fight each other that allows people to give in for the good of the country!

    But I fear this shutdown, rather than waking us up to the worst parts of our politics has only further desensitized us.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can see the sunlight beginning to creep through the westerly windows. If I don’t get up from this seat, get moving and get out the door soon, I’ll miss it. I’d like to have a little bit of Sunday before Monday, you know?

    I hope you had a good week. I hope you made some progress and that you made time for you. Try not to stress too much and I won’t either. Try to breathe, to take it slow, and I will too.

    Until next time.

    Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

    Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

  • 025 // Bad News Day

    It’s a lot to get into, but some news I had been dreading to receive, news I had just begun to hope wouldn’t come after all, came today. Long story short, my medication is damaging my liver and even though it is keeping the inflammation in my colon at bay, I will have have to cease taking it and start something new.

    If you live in America and you have a chronic illness you’ll have some idea how stressful it is to deal with insurance companies during treatment changes. First, there must be a cost analysis done to find out if, and how much of the cost they will cover. This medication will more than likely cost thousands of dollars a dose, the same as my last medication. How much my insurance will cover and how much I can get assistance for the rest will take time to work out and there is a possibility that it won’t.

    In the meantime, I a ball of stress and anxiety, a state that actually triggers and worsens my symptoms. What if we can’t afford the new medication? What if I am allergic to the new medication? What if the new medication doesn’t work? What if, while I’m waiting for the cost analysis and the financial assistance, my symptoms return or worsen? What if, what if, what if…?

    Of course, worrying does nothing, and like all things, I just have to wait for answers to come and deal with them as they do.

    But that is easier said than done.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 014//365

    This morning was a rough one. I made a few little mistakes and my anxiety magnified them until I was crushed to tears under the weight of my guilt.

    You know, it’s bad enough to obsess and overthink so much of your own life and actions but having anxiety plus a significant other, and friends, and coworkers, and family to obsess and overthink about too is almost too much to bear. It’s bad enough when I let myself down, but it’s god damn catastrophic when I let the people I love and care about down.

    Of course, I didn’t really let anyone down. Not the way my mind is convinced I did. I ran a little late in one instance and didn’t pay close enough in another. Both actions are probably long forgiven and forgotten by the people they affected, but I’ll lay awake an extra hour or two tonight thinking of all the ways I can stop myself from ever making such stupid mistakes again.

    As if there weren’t a million more ways for me to screw it up again. As if I even needed to try so hard to be perfect.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 007//365

    It’s the last night of winter break and in just a few short hours I will have to return to work. I’ve done my best to prepare both physically and mentally but my mood is both anxious and somber. I’m sure I won’t get much sleep tonight and I’m worried I’ll spend the whole day irritable and withdrawn.

    There is a smaller part of me that is excited to be back on schedule and amongst my kids and coworkers too and I know that, between them, a dose or two of ibuprofen, and a grande blonde vanilla latte I’m sure it’ll be all right.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 001//365

    It’s the first day of Dry January and, of course, all I can think about is alcohol. I don’t normally think about drinking this much but when you deny yourself something, no matter how small or inconsequential, it becomes all you want, especially after a long day of prepping walls for paint.

    But, I did kick a 15-year smoking habit so quitting a light drinking habit should be a breeze, right?

    The wall prep is taking longer than we expected. We’ve cleaned the walls, and spackled, but while removing old trim we found some wet drywall and a bit of mold. We found the slow leak coming through a bit of bad trim from the outside that was causing the problem too. We’ll be set back a day or two to take care of it.

    I’m a ball of anxiety, obviously but I’m doing my best to focus on how good we’re going to feel when it’s done, all the knowledge we’ll have gained, and how much easier the next project will be. It’s hard work, but it will be so good in the end.

    Now, I’m off to bed where I’ll find a good sci-fi flick to watch while I sip some ginger tea and drift to sleep.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren