It was a good writing day, I just wish I’d had more of it to devote to writing rather than to chores.
The goal going forward is to wake up at 6:00 AM on both Saturday and Sunday and give 4 hours completely to writing. If there is anything to do later in the day, that’s fine. I’ll have written for four hours and justified doing anything else at all for the rest of the day. If there is nothing else to do I’ll have hit the ground running and earned a mid-morning nap before beginning again.
The fitting went wonderfully. The place wasn’t especially welcoming but it was professional and sometimes that, for me anyway, is much more comfortable. She pinned everything in all over and even said the suit was cute. She said it will be a lot of work but it will be done and soon.
We’ve just gotten home from dinner with friends and I’m doing that thing again where I overanalyzing every single word I said and action I took and coming to the same conclusion again and again. I am an idiot. I am an embarrassment. They are laughing at me, talking about me, they all actually hate me.
I know deep down none of that is true. I know my friends like being around me and that any social gaffs of blunders I’m guilty of are not only understandable but completely normal! I know no one will remember that weird response or me dropping my fork. I know no one cares if I laugh too loud or make a dumb joke. I know it’s all okay.
So, why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why do I punish myself this way?
The stress is getting to be too much. Were nearly two months out now and I’m still not even sure what we are doing or what we should be doing next. I’m designing menu cards and ceremony signs and she’s putting together centerpieces but it feels like we should be doing something else, something more.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to the first tailor on my list for suit alterations but to be honest I don’t want to go. My anxiety is through the roof! I’m scared of being turned away. I’m scared that the suit can’t be fitted or that no matter what they do I will still look bad in it. I’m afraid of the price too. I’m fucking terrified to end up back at square one again.
To top it off things keep changing too. Sometimes it’s what we can’t do, sometimes its something we realize we have to do, and other times it’s realizing finally what it is we want to do. Staying on the same page is difficult, and the patience we show for one another, though exhausting, is only further proof we belong together.
A lovely boring little day, much like the one I had yesterday. The Mueller report is out and there’s a lot to unpack but, for me, it can wait. Today I practiced a little self-care and listened to the new Lizzo album instead.
I was supposed to go to a bookstore tonight—one of my favorite authors was in town to do a book signing—but when I got home, I just wasn’t up to it. I want to tell you that it was because I had a headache, or because I was tired, but the truth is I was anxious and I over thought the whole thing. By the end of the day I thought it was dumb to want to go which also sounds dumb.
I regret it now, but I also realize that in the grand scheme of things it’s fine. The night turned out to be a good one anyway.
Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.
It looks like my morning is starting in the early afternoon today. I woke up with an earache and exhausted bones so after making it to the kitchen to let the dog out then in then fill her food bowl; I turned back around and followed the same sleepy path back to the bed. Two hours later I was up again and through cold brew coffee, loud music, and pure determination I am moving about and getting myself and my house ready for another week.
So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. You’re welcome to the cold brew or a hot cup from the Moka pot but hot or cold all I have on hand is a light roast. It’s a nice compliment the spring sun shining through the open blinds.
Let’s talk about last week.
“When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”
― Christina Tosi
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was an interesting one. It was educational, sad stressful, lonely, and full of tiny little victories.
On Sunday we got the sad news that my girlfriend’s grandmother had passed away. This is one of those stories that isn’t mine to tell but I will say my heart is in pieces for her and her family. I wish I could have known her grandmother, but I never got the chance to meet her. Once again we are taught the lesson. Talk to the people you can while you can because people leave this Earth every day and you don’t have all the time you think you do.
Monday and Tuesday I got the chance to attend a statewide conference for work. I learned a few things and my task now is to bring back what I have learned and incorporate it into the training we do for new and existing employees.
Much of what I saw we are already doing so what I took away more than knowledge was an emotional impact. For one, I met many people working for other districts who are doing exactly what I’m doing in mine. Until now I have felt somewhat alone in my position.
My position isn’t a prestigious one. I’m rather low on the totem pole but I’m passionate about what I do and think despite the low prestige having people in my position that care about the issue and responsibility is critically important. It was refreshing to meet others who feel the same way and do their work enthusiastically and from the heart.
I also sat in a presentation that gave me a lot of hope for the future of our schools. When I was a teenager I struggled to cope with my emotions and to relate to other kids my age. I was angry and; I know now, very depressed and back then the only way to deal with angry and depressed kids was to suspend them until you could send them somewhere else and then to keep the expectations placed on them so low that they graduated without any skills, emotional or academic.
I was lucky. I dropped out instead and found my own way, but there are so many who were neglected and abandoned by the system.
The presentation I saw was on moving from the suspension, detention, and isolation disciplinary system to one that teaches reflection, responsibility, and restoration. I was nearly in tears imagining the way a younger me would have thrived under that system. The woman who spoke told us that their aim is to make each school into a small community and to teach children how to live in it by connecting them to that community. It’s bittersweet and so beautiful.
I hope every school moves to hire teachers, administrators, and support staff that can be open-minded enough to do better by their students than was done by them.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Wednesday my girlfriend left town to be with her family and attend her grandmother’s funeral.
I never do well when she’s gone. We’ve lived together for something like 15 years, and since we work at the same place, on the same schedule, and doing nearly everything together, I struggle when I have to be on my own for more than a day. I’m just bored mostly, and I miss her a lot, and I lose most of my motivation to cook, or clean, or do anything but read and sleep. I make it sound worse than it is, really.
I did manage to get a lot of reading done since I rarely watch T.V. without her. I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez, my 7th book of the year, by Friday and loved it. I’m already ready to read it again. I was thrilled by the news that Netflix is going to make it into a series. I hope they stay true to the book and include every beautiful and terrible event.
I started Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and though it’s about as far from Márquez’s magical realism as I could get it’s very good. I’m having a hard time putting it down this weekend and expect to finish within days.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the other issue I have when my girlfriend is gone is having to drive. I mentioned it last week but for those new to my blog; I suffer from terrible driving anxiety. I dread having to get to and from work or anywhere else on my own.
My girlfriend is understanding, though it is hard on her and she would like for me to be more comfortable behind the wheel, but when she is gone nothing can be done and I have to push through it. My heart was pounding, and I was nauseous with nervousness every day but I have to say, I did really well. So well in fact that I almost enjoyed it!
I’ve been waiting for some kind of breakthrough. I’ve been waiting to feel motivated not just by shame but by possibility, joy, and pride. I think I’ve had that breakthrough. Working through this fear has become something I want to do, not just something I need to do.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, my girlfriend is flying her way home to me now and that means getting I’d better go. I have to start cleaning this house out of its current sad and stale state.
I hope you had a good week. I hope you are well and that the weather is improving, and that you got to smell the spring air and feel the warming sun on your skin. I hope the new month finds you well this week and that you can meet it without regret or panic.
Until next time.
Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.
Attended the first day of a “back to basics” conference my work sent me to and though I can’t say I learned a lot, it was eye-opening to meet with people from all over the state and to meet so many others who fill the same role I do in my district at theirs.
I sometimes feel alone, or unimportant in my position. I sometimes feel like my passions, my concerns, and my expectations for myself, my coworkers, and my department are too overblown and grandiose but today I met others who love what they do, take seriously what they do, and push themselves and their teams to do better because it’s the right thing to do and not because it will advance their careers. Quite the opposite in fact. They want to stay where they are because they understand the good people are needed at all levels.
That more than any new piece of information or concept has enlivened me and reawakened something I knew I had lost but thought I could never get back.
Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.
I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.
It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.