Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: Anxiety

  • 166 // Gay Day! Gay Day!

    I’m not up as early as I’d hoped to be (the story of my life) but I at least got going the moment I got out of bed. I’m spending the morning doing some more pampering—face masks, nail painting, shaving, teeth whitening—before we join all the other beautiful queers downtown for celebration.

    We have a whole gay day planned. We’ll have our best gay friends with us to do some shopping, drinking, eating, exploring, and later more drinks and dancing throughout the rest of the night.

    I’m excited for tomorrow too when, I hope, we’ll head back downtown again to see the parade. It’s been 50 years since the Stonewall riots, we have a gay Governor, and, for the first time, we have a pride flag hanging from the state capitol. I want to see it. I want to go and be a part of all that progress and joy.

    While I agree with Marsha P. Johnson, the revolutionary LGBTQ rights activist, when she said, “As long as gay people don’t have their rights all across America, there’s no reason for celebration.” I do think we need a day to love and celebrate who we are because no one else is going to do that.

    Today, we will celebrate, tomorrow, we will remember, and when the weekend is over, we’ll get back to doing the work.

  • 165 // It’s Going to Be Wonderful

    I had originally planned not to go into work today but this is one of the few weeks where I can get more hours than usual and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to make a little more money. I regretted the decision the moment I walked through the door.

    Things were tense at work in preparation for a big meeting with the big boss. All around me minds were working out loud to predict the conversation and plot the outcome. All wanted to tell it like it is, make an impression, and somehow someway find the dignity they’d been missing, I guess. I couldn’t help, and I couldn’t handle it, so I went home early.

    This evening has been amazing! We’ve had perhaps too good of a time and now we’re off to bed early without having finished out planned self-care/home spa routine in preparation for Pridefest tomorrow. Oh well, if I head to sleep now there’s a real chance I’ll be able to pull myself out of bed early enough to write and get ready.

    The weekend is here and I can already tell it’s going to be wonderful.

  • 164 // Outraged and Angry

    Today someone I am attached to professionally violated some established social norms in a spectacular and offensive way, while I was in the room. I did nothing wrong, and I did my best to keep out of the fray but though the violator wasn’t aware, or perhaps didn’t care, I felt the eyes of the room and the wave of disappointment, anger, and disapproval falling on him, and me by association.

    I was mad at the violator for the outburst the same as everyone else in the room, but I was also angered by my lack of control over the situation. Suddenly the way I was being viewed had nothing to do with me. Suddenly someone else was acting and speaking for me.

    My anxiety has over the years turned me into someone who moves deliberately and with forethought. I rely on my friends and coworkers to give me the space I need to control the world’s perception of me and this person took that away.

    I watched, outraged and angry, as he initiated a chaotic situation and acted in ways that left the outcome uncertain. He left me with no choices. He left me with no way to reassert my place or my boundaries. He left me exposed and with no way to salvage anything for myself. This, for me, is his true offense.

    I don’t know how I can forgive it.

  • 152 // Feel Guilty Days

    Do nothing days are great when they are planned but when they aren’t they are more like feel guilty days. I’ve been having a lot of those lately.

    I’m avoiding the to-do list and conveniently forgetting again and again what needs to get done. This is what I do when I am overwhelmed. I get tired. I shut down. I feel the need to rest when the reality is I desperately need the opposite. I need to get up and do something! But knowing doesn’t make it easier. Knowing only makes it more shameful.

    By now the day is gone already so there is nothing to be done but to take care of myself. The rain is falling, and it’s lovely. The thunder is clapping, and it’s thrilling. I’ll lean into that and try again tomorrow.

    These entries are inspired by TDH.se

  • 132 // The Weekend Writing Plan

    It was a good writing day, I just wish I’d had more of it to devote to writing rather than to chores.

    The goal going forward is to wake up at 6:00 AM on both Saturday and Sunday and give 4 hours completely to writing. If there is anything to do later in the day, that’s fine. I’ll have written for four hours and justified doing anything else at all for the rest of the day. If there is nothing else to do I’ll have hit the ground running and earned a mid-morning nap before beginning again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 131 // So Much Pressure

    The fitting went wonderfully. The place wasn’t especially welcoming but it was professional and sometimes that, for me anyway, is much more comfortable. She pinned everything in all over and even said the suit was cute. She said it will be a lot of work but it will be done and soon.

    We’ve just gotten home from dinner with friends and I’m doing that thing again where I overanalyzing every single word I said and action I took and coming to the same conclusion again and again. I am an idiot. I am an embarrassment. They are laughing at me, talking about me, they all actually hate me.

    I know deep down none of that is true. I know my friends like being around me and that any social gaffs of blunders I’m guilty of are not only understandable but completely normal! I know no one will remember that weird response or me dropping my fork. I know no one cares if I laugh too loud or make a dumb joke. I know it’s all okay.

    So, why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why do I punish myself this way?

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 130 // Stress, Terror, Exhaustion

    The stress is getting to be too much. Were nearly two months out now and I’m still not even sure what we are doing or what we should be doing next. I’m designing menu cards and ceremony signs and she’s putting together centerpieces but it feels like we should be doing something else, something more.

    Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to the first tailor on my list for suit alterations but to be honest I don’t want to go. My anxiety is through the roof! I’m scared of being turned away. I’m scared that the suit can’t be fitted or that no matter what they do I will still look bad in it. I’m afraid of the price too. I’m fucking terrified to end up back at square one again.

    To top it off things keep changing too. Sometimes it’s what we can’t do, sometimes its something we realize we have to do, and other times it’s realizing finally what it is we want to do. Staying on the same page is difficult, and the patience we show for one another, though exhausting, is only further proof we belong together.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 109 // It Sounds Dumb

    A lovely boring little day, much like the one I had yesterday. The Mueller report is out and there’s a lot to unpack but, for me, it can wait. Today I practiced a little self-care and listened to the new Lizzo album instead. 

    I was supposed to go to a bookstore tonight—one of my favorite authors was in town to do a book signing—but when I got home, I just wasn’t up to it. I want to tell you that it was because I had a headache, or because I was tired, but the truth is I was anxious and I over thought the whole thing. By the end of the day I thought it was dumb to want to go which also sounds dumb.

    I regret it now, but I also realize that in the grand scheme of things it’s fine. The night turned out to be a good one anyway.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • If We Were Having Coffee // When She’s Gone

    If We Were Having Coffee // When She’s Gone

    Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

    It looks like my morning is starting in the early afternoon today. I woke up with an earache and exhausted bones so after making it to the kitchen to let the dog out then in then fill her food bowl; I turned back around and followed the same sleepy path back to the bed. Two hours later I was up again and through cold brew coffee, loud music, and pure determination I am moving about and getting myself and my house ready for another week.

    So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. You’re welcome to the cold brew or a hot cup from the Moka pot but hot or cold all I have on hand is a light roast. It’s a nice compliment the spring sun shining through the open blinds.

    Let’s talk about last week.

    “When I get up early, I appreciate the quiet time to enjoy a coffee or water my plants.”

    ― Christina Tosi

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was an interesting one. It was educational, sad stressful, lonely, and full of tiny little victories.

    On Sunday we got the sad news that my girlfriend’s grandmother had passed away. This is one of those stories that isn’t mine to tell but I will say my heart is in pieces for her and her family. I wish I could have known her grandmother, but I never got the chance to meet her. Once again we are taught the lesson. Talk to the people you can while you can because people leave this Earth every day and you don’t have all the time you think you do.

    Monday and Tuesday I got the chance to attend a statewide conference for work. I learned a few things and my task now is to bring back what I have learned and incorporate it into the training we do for new and existing employees.

    Much of what I saw we are already doing so what I took away more than knowledge was an emotional impact. For one, I met many people working for other districts who are doing exactly what I’m doing in mine. Until now I have felt somewhat alone in my position.

    My position isn’t a prestigious one. I’m rather low on the totem pole but I’m passionate about what I do and think despite the low prestige having people in my position that care about the issue and responsibility is critically important. It was refreshing to meet others who feel the same way and do their work enthusiastically and from the heart.

    I also sat in a presentation that gave me a lot of hope for the future of our schools. When I was a teenager I struggled to cope with my emotions and to relate to other kids my age. I was angry and; I know now, very depressed and back then the only way to deal with angry and depressed kids was to suspend them until you could send them somewhere else and then to keep the expectations placed on them so low that they graduated without any skills, emotional or academic.

    I was lucky. I dropped out instead and found my own way, but there are so many who were neglected and abandoned by the system.

    The presentation I saw was on moving from the suspension, detention, and isolation disciplinary system to one that teaches reflection, responsibility, and restoration. I was nearly in tears imagining the way a younger me would have thrived under that system. The woman who spoke told us that their aim is to make each school into a small community and to teach children how to live in it by connecting them to that community. It’s bittersweet and so beautiful.

    I hope every school moves to hire teachers, administrators, and support staff that can be open-minded enough to do better by their students than was done by them.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Wednesday my girlfriend left town to be with her family and attend her grandmother’s funeral.

    I never do well when she’s gone. We’ve lived together for something like 15 years, and since we work at the same place, on the same schedule, and doing nearly everything together, I struggle when I have to be on my own for more than a day. I’m just bored mostly, and I miss her a lot, and I lose most of my motivation to cook, or clean, or do anything but read and sleep. I make it sound worse than it is, really.

    I did manage to get a lot of reading done since I rarely watch T.V. without her. I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez, my 7th book of the year, by Friday and loved it. I’m already ready to read it again. I was thrilled by the news that Netflix is going to make it into a series. I hope they stay true to the book and include every beautiful and terrible event.

    I started Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and though it’s about as far from Márquez’s magical realism as I could get it’s very good. I’m having a hard time putting it down this weekend and expect to finish within days.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the other issue I have when my girlfriend is gone is having to drive. I mentioned it last week but for those new to my blog; I suffer from terrible driving anxiety. I dread having to get to and from work or anywhere else on my own.

    My girlfriend is understanding, though it is hard on her and she would like for me to be more comfortable behind the wheel, but when she is gone nothing can be done and I have to push through it. My heart was pounding, and I was nauseous with nervousness every day but I have to say, I did really well. So well in fact that I almost enjoyed it!

    I’ve been waiting for some kind of breakthrough. I’ve been waiting to feel motivated not just by shame but by possibility, joy, and pride. I think I’ve had that breakthrough. Working through this fear has become something I want to do, not just something I need to do.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, my girlfriend is flying her way home to me now and that means getting I’d better go. I have to start cleaning this house out of its current sad and stale state.

    I hope you had a good week. I hope you are well and that the weather is improving, and that you got to smell the spring air and feel the warming sun on your skin. I hope the new month finds you well this week and that you can meet it without regret or panic.

    Until next time. 

    Move // Jazz Spastiks feat. Apani B Fly

    Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

    Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

  • 084 // Good People Are Needed at All Levels

    Attended the first day of a “back to basics” conference my work sent me to and though I can’t say I learned a lot, it was eye-opening to meet with people from all over the state and to meet so many others who fill the same role I do in my district at theirs.

    I sometimes feel alone, or unimportant in my position. I sometimes feel like my passions, my concerns, and my expectations for myself, my coworkers, and my department are too overblown and grandiose but today I met others who love what they do, take seriously what they do, and push themselves and their teams to do better because it’s the right thing to do and not because it will advance their careers. Quite the opposite in fact. They want to stay where they are because they understand the good people are needed at all levels.

    That more than any new piece of information or concept has enlivened me and reawakened something I knew I had lost but thought I could never get back.

  • 083 // I Can Do Anything

    Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.

    I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.

    It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have

    If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have

    Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

    I’ve never been good at mornings but this morning is especially slow. My body isn’t cooperating and my mind is even more useless. Coffee is helping though and I feel my bones waking and loosening with every sip.

    The sun is helping too. Spring has definitely sprung here in Colorado quite suddenly and without fanfare as if she had been here all along. Being able to open the windows and let the warm air in is doing wonders for the Sunday soul.

    So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’m sorely missing my old espresso machine today but the Moka pot is on and a bit of coconut cream in the bottom of the mug will smooth out the texture and flavor. Let’s talk about last week.

    “Chugging coffee this morning, not because I’m tired, but because it’s so damn good, for some reason. It might be the lingering feeling of actual sunshine, or a good night’s sleep. I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Take the good when you get it, and just enjoy it.”

    ― Thord D. Hedengren

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was my Spring break but instead of a whole week off I only took two days. With the wedding coming up, and the snow days from the week before, I just felt that a whole week of pay was too much to sacrifice for a little free time.

    I had hoped for a week of easy work, the typical stuff I do but with fewer people around. I hoped to put in my headphones, catch up on a few podcasts and make progress on my courses. Oh, how wrong I was.

    I ended up being “volun-told” to help out in our hiring department making phone calls to prospective new employees. I was to help them fill out applications and once the applications were complete, I scheduled them for interviews. My anxiety levels were sky-high, but I did my best and my best turned out to be pretty damn good. More than that, I actually enjoyed it.

    I called nearly every person in the stack they gave me and scheduled all the interviews I could. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on the phones, over 10 years, but I was good at it then, and it all came back to me last week. Empathy, patience, and communication have always been the areas where my strengths lie.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have made a lot of wedding progress this week. We now have our ceremony site permit, two photographers, a caterer, and an officiant. We have our colors settled on and my fiance has an appointment to try on prospective dresses in the next couple of weeks.

    Things are moving along. I just hope we can keep this momentum going. We’re easily overwhelmed and prone to long stretches of procrastination.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel my health is going downhill though I can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not.

    My joints are stiffer than usual. The ache all day and if I push myself too hard they are throbbing painfully by bedtime. I’m still losing weight but not rapidly enough to panic yet. Just under 10 pounds in the last couple of months though I haven’t changed my diet, nor have I been working out more, yet. I’m afraid to push my body any further.

    I’ve still not started the medication my doctor prescribed for me because I am still caught up in the bureaucracies of the health care system. I’m being asked to be patient without being given any explanation but my gut is telling me that my insurance company doesn’t want to pay for this medication. My gut is telling me that when they do call, I’ll be told to try something else first and all this stress and patience will have been for nothing.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as I type this my fiance is receiving some rather devastating news. There has been a death in her family and she’ll have to leave the state this week to be with her family and say goodbye to their loved one.

    My heart is breaking for her and I wish I could go along to help her through this time but to make arrangements for the pets and for work with such short notice would be too much. I’ll have to accept that this is something I cannot fix and offer what small comfort I can from afar.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I hate whenever she has to go out-of-town, not just because I will be alone, but because I will have to drive.

    For my new followers who may not know, I have a pretty severe phobia of driving. Even thinking about it now is making my heart rate increase and my palms sweat. My girlfriend is quite understanding about but it hasn’t been easy for her to take on most of the responsibility of transportation for both of us. Of course, when she’s gone, I have no one to help when it gets hard. When she is gone I have to be brave and fight myself while operating a moving vehicle.

    I know I’ll be okay. I’ve driven to and from work, and to the grocery store, and many other places plenty of times, but somehow it never seems to get easier to get behind the wheel. In the winter I am especially averse to driving and so it’s been a little while for me. I have to get used to it again and quickly before she goes.

    It’s a dumb fear to have, I know, but that doesn’t stop it from being real and it doesn’t make it easier but I’m determined to be brave especially after this week when my fears came up at work and I felt, once again, embarrassed and ashamed to speak my truth. So, I have to be brave not just in facing my fear, but of owning it too.

    The truth is that hiding makes it easier to stay stuck and hiding makes me feel worse and worse as the years go on. I’m done hiding, and I’m done being afraid. I want to move past this and I know that once I do there will be nothing left that I can’t overcome.

    If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, now that the day is nearly over and the evening is ready to settle in, it’s time for me to get up and do all my Sunday things.

    The conference starts early tomorrow and being across town (I’m carpooling with coworkers) means I have to get up a lot earlier than usual and that means I need to prepare more and better for the coming week than I normally would. Everything has to be ready.

    I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are the sun is shining and you feel loved. I hope you made time for you and that we can all face our fears and overcome them too.

    Until next time. 

    Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

    Photo courtesy of Barn Images

  • 082 // The Week is Looming Already

    Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.

    And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.

    Anxiety is so hard to explain.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 080 // My Big Girl Pants

    I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.

    And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.

    Next week is already stressful, sigh.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren