My anxiety over the first day of class for the new employees starting today kept me up all night last night. It isn’t that I was worrying about making a mistake or about anything going wrong. Instead, I laid there in dark just running through the details, trying to create a script for every interaction, find an answer to every question that could be asked, and coming up with a strategy for every obstacle I might encounter.

I just wanted it all planned out and no matter how much I told myself that a perfect or complete plan was impossible I couldn’t stop my mind from racing nor calm my heart from pounding hard and loud.

I think it’s knowing that what I am doing is important. It’s knowing the stakes are high. It’s knowing that there are stakes at all! It’s knowing that what I say to these people has an impact and consequences in not just their lives but the lives of the kids we service and assist. What I do matters and I can’t just breeze through it with an “I got this” attitude.

I owe it to everyone to worry myself sick.

It wasn’t easy, but I managed to make it through the first day of class unscathed. A lot of things went wrong but not in any of the ways I worried about or tried to plan for last night. Despite my frustrations this somehow makes me feel better. It’s like a small proof that I had nothing to worry about after all. Still, I was on my feet all day and scrambling to appear profession amid the chaos.

My hope now is that all that hard work and stress has exhausted me enough that I will sleep a little more soundly tonight.


Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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