I was on my own today but instead of being angry for the lack of support I’m choosing to be proud. I’m proud that I can count on myself and come through for myself when no one else will. I proud of myself for being so capable and courageous. I’m not perfect. I made mistakes today and I won’t pretend I was my best self, but I showed up and got the job done.
I’m proud of me but underneath it all I can’t help feeling a little bitter too. I wish I didn’t have to be so capable and courageous. I wish I could count on more than just myself.
If I’m honest, it’s not really so bad as I make it seem. I’m not usually on my own like this but I can see now how fragile the safety net is, on many levels, and that scares me, and that fear, that is what pushes and exhausts me. It’s exhausting to have to try so hard all the time because I know there’s no guarantee that there will be anyone there to catch me if (when) I fail.
The doctor’s office called today to set up my infusion appointments for my new medications. I didn’t even know we were going forward with the medication change until I got the call! It’s a good thing but part of me still hoped that everything would get better so that nothing had to change. But it’s a good thing. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s a good thing…hopefully.