I’m really scatter brained today. I have energy and motivation but my mind won’t settle anywhere and I can’t think of what I am meant to do. My to-do list is no help since I forgot to update it and now I have forgotten what I have forgotten. Oh well, a day to wander aimlessly though my thoughts sounds nice too.

My wife has been working more lately and if it weren’t for the fact that I just got a raise and I’m getting paid to stay home, my guilt over doing nothing would consume me. I’m jealous that she at least has some purpose and people who count on her. She has meetings, tasks, a schedule. She has some certainty. I feel lost. The freedom is overwhelming and in that freedom every minute becomes a failure of one kind or another.

I wonder sometimes, if two people live together long enough, if they start to become like one person, thinking each other’s thoughts and feeling each other’s emotions. My wife went for a late walk today, she rarely goes in the afternoon, and she invited me along, another rarity, and it was just what I needed.

The walk wasn’t a hard one, but it’s been a while since I’ve moved so much. My body is growing weak and soft in this new sedentary lifestyle I’ve cultivated and after just 20 minutes around the neighborhood I’m painfully aware that a change needs to be made. These walks have to become a daily routine. I did a few arm and ab things too. There is so much to tone and maybe, if I can get consistent, the weights can help burn off these quarantine pounds I’ve gained.

It felt really good to move. Perhaps when the mind won’t cooperate, it is trying to tell you to change your focus from what is mental to what is physical and give the brain a break, or give it something real to feel, to latch onto, to turn over. We can’t live in the imagination all the time. Something has to come from what is real, what is physical, what the senses can see, smell, hear, taste and touch.


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Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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