155// Still So Uncertain

Today was an easy enough day. I still have next week on my mind so its hard to stay mindful and in the moment. I’m very nervouse and it’s hard to think of anything else or find anything else important in the wake of such anxiety. I’m trying hard to rememeber what I learned all those months ago in my CPR instructor course and to mentally prepare some points and anecdotes for my first classes next week.

I did manage to stay busy at least and by the time I got home I was as exhausted as usual. After lunch I lost my daily battle with fatigue and spent the early afternoon sleeping off the morning. I regret it of course. There was so much I wanted to do instead and so much to get ready for tomorrow and now I have to rush through or put off all of it.

I’m struggling to be firm with myself, to be and stay mindful about how I’m spending my time, and to keep my goals in the front of my mind. It’s been difficult to put distance between my cravings and immediate needs and wants so that I can have some choice in how I spend my time. I keep hoping it will get easier but the moment I get used to one schedule and think I might be able to find the time, energy, adn focus to start working on my projects something changes: my hours increase, my responsibilities change, or my location is moved.

Everything, from my work schedule, to my health, to the stability of society, is still so uncertain and that makes planning for the future and meeting my goals hard. It makes being enthusiastic, curious, and imaginative impossible. I suspect I either have to lean into it or shut myself off and protect my mental space more fiercely.


Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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