155// Still So Uncertain

Today was an easy enough day. I still have next week on my mind so its hard to stay mindful and in the moment. I’m very nervouse and it’s hard to think of anything else or find anything else important in the wake of such anxiety. I’m trying hard to rememeber what I learned all those months ago in my CPR instructor course and to mentally prepare some points and anecdotes for my first classes next week.

I did manage to stay busy at least and by the time I got home I was as exhausted as usual. After lunch I lost my daily battle with fatigue and spent the early afternoon sleeping off the morning. I regret it of course. There was so much I wanted to do instead and so much to get ready for tomorrow and now I have to rush through or put off all of it.

I’m struggling to be firm with myself, to be and stay mindful about how I’m spending my time, and to keep my goals in the front of my mind. It’s been difficult to put distance between my cravings and immediate needs and wants so that I can have some choice in how I spend my time. I keep hoping it will get easier but the moment I get used to one schedule and think I might be able to find the time, energy, adn focus to start working on my projects something changes: my hours increase, my responsibilities change, or my location is moved.

Everything, from my work schedule, to my health, to the stability of society, is still so uncertain and that makes planning for the future and meeting my goals hard. It makes being enthusiastic, curious, and imaginative impossible. I suspect I either have to lean into it or shut myself off and protect my mental space more fiercely.

155 // A Dent in the Mess

I was back at work today, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I got in earlier than I have since school ended and I hope the trend continues. I want to start acting more like me even if I’m not exactly feeling like me. I want to start getting things done in all areas of my life again.

Tonight I cooked dinner, the first time in a month or more, I think. I made salmon sliders and hated it but my wife to be was impressed so somewhere I’m happy I suppose.

I’ve decided to go ahead with the “Essay a Week” challenge, starting the first week of July, I hope. I spent the evening getting a head start by cleaning up my old ideas, and prompts lists in Simplenote. I barely made a dent in the mess but what I did get through was inspiring. I love dusting off my old notes, expanding them, tearing them apart, tearing them up.

The hard part will be separating the pieces for the challenge and other fun things I want to posts and write. The even harder part will be not falling behind so I can write all those other fun things instead.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se