253 // Time to Decompress

It’s my bi-monthly infusion day, which means I spent the morning hanging out with the nurses in the oncology/hematology department getting my 8-week dose of medication before heading home to rest through the late morning and early afternoon hours.

I always take off from work on my infusion days. Not just because I’m tired after, but because the clinic and the fact that I have to go there at all can be so depressing I need time to decompress from the procedure and return to feeling normal.

The nurse asked me how I was doing and how my symptoms were faring. I laughed, though I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t think he really wanted to hear how I was really doing. I gave him the light version but even then, just hearing ugly description of what my life has been like until now felt distressing and disturbing.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to catch up on my half of the responsibilities in the house. I used to hate chores but now going through the house, room to room, organizing and disinfecting is its own kind of medication and salve for both the body and soul. I needed it more than I knew.

Life continues to throw bad news my way, but I’m determined not to let myself get emotionally wrapped up in lives I’m not living. Most of what I stress about isn’t mine to fix or worry over, but I can’t help wanting to make the world right for those I love, and I can’t help blaming myself when I can’t. I’m trying to remember not every problem is mine to fix and not every challenge is mine to face. My role can be supportive, even if all I can do is support you all the way to rock bottom.

Knowing myself, though, the willpower and resolve won’t last. I can’t help who I am at the core, for better or worse, I have to do something. I just hope I choose the right thing. I hope I don’t risk the work and relationships I cherish the most.

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Hello! I'm an aspiring writer fascinated by the human condition. You can find much of my work on my personal blog and at Zen and Pi. I also tweet as @lisamarieblair_ and share pictures and poetry on Instagram. Please consider signing up for my newsletter or supporting what I do by sharing a cup of virtual coffee. Thank you!

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