009//365

I secretly hate that time of night when I must close my eyes and leave consciousness behind for sleep. Those 6 to 8 hours a night are more than I want to give up of my life. For all my brooding and pessimism, my misery and despair, my complaints and cursing, it turns out that my reality (as ordinary and monotonous as it may seem from the outside) has actually exceeded my wildest dreams.

I’ll need to be more imaginative and desirous in my dreams going forward, I know, but just…not yet. For now—a now I’ve clung to for years and a now I hope will last a long, long while more—I’ll allow myself this utter happiness.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

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008//365

The day flew by just fast enough. I enjoyed all the good parts and the bad parts were over quickly and with little complaint. Through it all, some words managed to get written and others were read.

I had forgotten just how beautiful The Iliad is. Today I began Book XVI: The Death of Patroclus and lines 184-192 struck me particularly:

“Meanwhile, Achilles strode mid the shelters, giving all
Of his Myrmidons orders to arm, after which they rushed out
Like so many flesh-rending wolves, great beasts unspeakably
Savage—wolves that have killed a huge horned stag
In the mountains and gorged themselves on his flesh till the jaws
Of all were dripping with blood, and off the pack runs
To lap with their slender lean tongues from a spring of dark water,
Belching up scarlet gore and still quite ferocious,
Though now their bellies are bulging.

Every time I read passages like this I’m forced to stop reading for a time. This is why it’s taking me so long to get through the book. I read things like the words above and I just can’t let them go. I can’t move on. I have to let the words roll over and allow my imagination to have its way.

I’ll try to pick it back up tomorrow (I’m reluctant because I know what awaits poor Patroclus and Achilles) and to face my own words again too.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

007//365

It’s the last night of winter break and in just a few short hours I will have to return to work. I’ve done my best to prepare both physically and mentally but my mood is both anxious and somber. I’m sure I won’t get much sleep tonight and I’m worried I’ll spend the whole day irritable and withdrawn.

There is a smaller part of me that is excited to be back on schedule and amongst my kids and coworkers too and I know that, between them, a dose or two of ibuprofen, and a grande blonde vanilla latte I’m sure it’ll be all right.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

006//365

Now that the living room revamp is done, and I’ve caught up somewhat on the housework, it’s time to focus once again on our upcoming wedding. We’re reconsidering all-inclusive packages and trimming the guest list down to whatever number it needs to be to keep our preferred venue options available. We’re procrastinators, as I’ve mentioned, and we loathe wedding planning, so we’ve got to make things easier on ourselves if we want to get this done.

By the end of the month, we will have a venue and date chosen and booked!


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

005//365

Why do I have such a hard time seeing past what is difficult or scary to all the great things I can have or experience if I would only get up, face my life, and do the work? Why must I procrastinate so damn much?

The living room revamp project is nearly complete. All that’s left is small wall touch-ups and then we can finally put everything, the T.V. the couch, the record player, and the animal’s beds back in its place. The paint looks amazing and I wish we’d done this years ago instead of whining and stalling because it was hard and scary.

Day 5 of Dry January has been the hardest so far. We—my girlfriend, is joining me in this challenge too—realized we have been replacing alcohol with food. At the end of the day, when we would normally share a hard cider between us we’ve been opting instead for pizza, hot wings, and tacos. To be fair, we’ve also cut back in sugar and our bodies are obviously having a hard time coping.

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

004//365

It’s late, and I am tired. I never meant to start a daily habit of these entries but once I’d built up a few in a row, I found I couldn’t go to bed before posting. I didn’t want to break the chain.

The weather was gorgeous today and all reports promise more of the same through the end of next week. I’m glad for it, both for today, when we had to go out to get more paint for the living room walls and pizza for dinner, and for next week when I will have to return to work after over two weeks away.

The living room revamp project is nearly done, and it turns out going with our second choice color—the one we didn’t love as much, but knew would make decor choices easier—was the right choice after all. Sometimes you can’t trust your first instincts.

I spent the late evening goofing off in the “creativity room” doing nothing constructive at all. I changed my blog theme to one that supports post formats again so I can publish these posts with proper titles going forward. Let me know what you think.

Night all.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

003//365

I have never actually lived alone. I went from my mother’s home as a teenager, to living with my cousins, to living with roommates, to living with my now fiance and for almost 17 years since. I’ve never been on my own, but I’ve never felt that I had missed out on anything.

Lately, I have been trying something new. I’ve been trying to be more accepting of myself, my perspective, and my emotions and to allow my feelings to flow more freely and without judgement. Since I’ve started practicing such radical acceptance, I’ve found it harder to balance who I am as a person against who I am as a half of one whole.

Sometimes the hardest (though by far the most rewarding) part of being a human is never truly belonging to yourself alone. I suppose this balancing act is a part of all relationships between any two people and the people they truly are deep down inside. Maybe we are all made up of such halves piled on top of one whole who never really got to be.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren