Lisa Marie Blair

Category: Journal

  • 066//366

    Today was an especially boring day. I spent it watching a coworker teach CPR to the new employees. I was trying to pick up a few insights and tricks of the trade since I’ll be in class learning how to be an instructor myself in a little over a week. The class is long as it is but it’s especially long when you aren’t in the class nor teaching it either.

    The good news is I no longer feel (quite) so anxious about my class. Most of it is videos and what’s left is reading from the book, answering questions, and making sure people are demonstrating the breaths and compressions properly. I think I can do all that just fine. That isn’t to say it looks easy. It just doesn’t look any harder than what I’ve already been doing, anyway. I think I got this.

    Some times the boring, idle days are more tiring than the busy, stressful days. I did very little today and even made it home earlier than usual and somehow I am exhausted. I can barely muster the energy to get off the couch to change out of my work clothes let alone cook dinner or clean anything.

    My wife is still fighting off a nasty cold, and it’s up to me to take care of everything. She may have to settle for getting dinner delivered and an early bedtime for both of us. Another wild Friday night.

  • 065//366

    My poor wife is at home sick. She had hoped to make it through the season unscathed but it appears no one’s immune system is strong enough to beat this bug. I had it a few weeks ago, and it’s made the rounds through most of my coworkers and friends already too. She lasted longer than most.

    I left her at home so I could work today. I wanted to stay with her but I know she doesn’t really need me there. What she needs it time to rest and sleep and if I were there, I would only hover and irritate her. No, it’s better to be away for a while then come home to take care of her all evening then make sure she gets her meds and goes to bed early.

    I imaging its hard to be sick right now without worrying what you might have. The symptoms of COVID-19 are so similar to a cold or bout with the flu that anyone with a little cough or the sniffle worries what they might have and those around them begin to panic. The chances that any of us have contracted the coronavirus is very low, but those numbers seem to be growing. I’m not nearly as afraid of the disease as I am of the panic building all over the globe.

    So I’m staying away from people in general both to stay healthy and because I honestly tired of talking about it. I’m tired of the uninformed and irrational opinions. I’m tired of the constant updates on where outbreaks are occurring and how many more people have tested positive or died. I’m tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, and wondering if I am doing enough to prepare. I’m tired of the low level fear.

  • 064//366

    It’s been a long week already and there is still a long way left to go but the worst of it, the hardest, most stressful and exhausting parts are now over.

    Most of our schools will be closed tomorrow and Thursday and that means a lot fewer people and a lot less chaos. I expect to have an easy end to the week working on a few small projects and catching up on data entry, filing, emails, scheduling, and paperwork. I expect shorter days and a chance to enjoy the gorgeous weather on the way. I expect I’ll pretend it’s summer and spend the hours soaking up the sun and daydreaming instead.

    This weather is a little concerning though. March is typically one of our snowiest months but looking at the 10 day forecast you’d think we were already into April. We have nothing but sunshine and mid-50s and 60s for the foreseeable future. I’m in heaven but I’m dreading what might turn out to be a rather unbearable summer on the way.

  • 063//366

    All of my coworkers are freaking out about the Coronavirus. I work for a school district so any rapidly spreading contagions are a serious concern for us. There are now new chemicals to use on the buses to disinfect and there are bottles of hand sanitizer everywhere. It’s a good thing but I can’t help feeling like these are things we should have been doing all along.

    A coworker is out with pink eye now. Flu goes around every year. We’ve had a throat and sinus thing going around for weeks. Earlier this winter we had a nasty stomach bug circulating too. Why is everyone just now washing their hands and cleaning surfaces? Why is everyone worried about vaccines and masks? Why are we just now preparing for a pandemic? I’m frustrated equally by the panic now and the lack of care before.

    On top of it all I worry over whether I am reacting and preparing in the right way. I am trying to stay calm and rational. I’m CPR and First Aid trained so I have always been mindful about washing my hands and protecting myself for transmittable disease but I have stepped things up. I’m disinfecting more often and paying more attention to how often I am touching my face but that’s it for universal precautions.

    In addition, I’m checking myself when I feel the panic rising and I am limiting my access to the news cycle. I advise everyone out there to do the same.

  • 062//366

    It’s day two and I already feel like time is moving too fast. There’s a lot I’m anxious about and if I had it my way I’d simply avoid it all but these aren’t things I have much of a choice in doing and so the more time passes the more panicked I feel. Before the end of March a lot will have changed for me.

    I’m coping by focusing on the day I’m in and only that day. It’s Monday and unlike the last this one is a bit busier, a bit more chaotic, a bit more stressful. I’m still teaching the new employees and every day something new seems to happen that prolongs my process. This is the one big drawback to working on a team. More people to mess it up. More people you have to redirect, remind, and rely on. More people to let you down and to make more work for you. Oh well, I’m paid by the hour and never opposed to an opportunity to make more money.

    I wish I had more time for me though. I miss my podcasts. I miss writing. I miss having room to think! Soon, soon…

  • 061//366

    New month new me, I hope. I’m actually sad to see February go. There was so much I wanted to do that I just couldn’t complete. I’m still working on my “Currently” post but with my energy and focus levels being the same as they were this time last month I doubt I’ll get it done. January’s is still sitting in my drafts folder too.

    I want March to be better and with the temperatures increasing and the sunlight sticking around longer I think it will. I want to get better at managing my time. I had stopped checking my calendar and turned off my alarms and reminders. This month it’s all coming back. In addition, I’m using my pocket notebook more. I’ve had so many great ideas this month and I lost almost all of them because I relied too much on my mind alone to remember them.

    This month I’m also moving away from using Google tasks for my to-do list and coupling my calendar to a simple .txt file instead. Right now I have one long to do list with rows and rows of overdue and failed items. It’s a pretty depressing place to be. I found this system from Jeff Huang in which you combine your calendar and a text file and create new lists every day with only the items you need to do that day. Anything you don’t get to gets rescheduled in the calendar instead of dying on the list.

    This system also combines the to-do list with a logbook. Throughout the day, or at the end if you like, you add things you did along with notes and highlights you want to remember later. This is a crucial aspect I have failed to implement.

    Part of me would like this to be an analog system but the truth is I doubt I have the time. Digital has the benefit of being faster and searchable even if it is rather rigid and boring. We’ll see though. Right now I just need to try something.

  • 060//366

    Happy leap day. I probably should use today to get some extra writing or reading in but I’m using the extra day to do nothing at all instead. February isn’t a bonus day, it’s a day that doesn’t exist at all. I’m sure I will regret this perspective later but sometimes doing nothing is just as important as accomplishing something.

    Then again, I’m not really doing nothing. I’m hanging out with my wife which is always my favorite way to pass the time. We’ve got plans this evening and, with both of us being over 30 we’ve decided it might be better to conserve our energy until then so we won’t be dragging our feet or feeling irritable for our friend’s birthday celebration tonight.

    The plan is Mexican food and margaritas and then we’ll try our luck in a zombie apocalypse themed escape room. I’m looking forward to it, but the week wore me out so bad I feel like I need at least one whole day away from people, at least! I kind of wish I never had to leave this couch again at all. Life is easy and simple here and I have everything I need.

  • 059//366

    I made it! It’s the weekend and I am free for two whole days. The weather is going to be gorgeous but I’m not sure I’m up to being out in the world. I’ll be forced out for an evening with friends tomorrow night but outside of that I think I’ll stay in. This week has been physically exhausting and emotionally I don’t think I have anything left to give.

    Still, as much as I hate the crowds something about them draws me in. Even tonight when I meant to just run to the pharmacy but ended up window shopping and impulse buying at Target instead of going home where I knew there was peace. I like to be out, and I hate it too. I think this is part of growing old.

    I’m home now relieved but not regretful. Shopping was fun. I got a new shirt, a fresh 6-pack of hard apple cider, and a Jimmy John’s sandwich. My wife and I are about to watch Knives Out and I expect there’ll an early bedtime too. This is what a wild Friday night looks like now. Woot!

  • 058//366

    We have a new class this week and I can feel a difference in myself. I’m burned out. I’m not giving my best. I’m not enthusiastic or engaging…but I want to be.

    I want to get back to being eager to hear other people’s problems and to help them work through their questions. I want to get back to being the kind of person who can lead people from their biases, their past expieriences, and their doubts to new information and ways of thinking and feeling. I want to get back to taking my role in the lives of the children we serve seriously and give these people my very best so they will take it as seriously too.

    But I’m burned out and I don’t know how to get back.

  • 057//366

    All day I kept thinking it was Thursday when it’s not. I kept thinking Friday was closer than it actually is. I keep finding myself disappointed and exhausted looking at my calendar and down through the rest of the week and imagining the effort it’ll take to get there. It is and will continue to be a very long week.

    No, today wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be. The worst of it was waking up a bit late this morning and rushing to get through my routine and out the door on time. After that things were all uphill, in a good way. There’s a lot of work to get done but my coworkers and I had more than a few good laughs and I have the energy to make it through the day. I’m doing better than most. Our problems are often reminders of our blessings, you know?

  • 056//366

    It’s infusion day again. I had hoped today would go faster than last week but it’s been an hour and I’m still here hooked up to the I.V. and the bag isn’t even half empty yet. It’s still going to be a shorter stay than it used to be when I was on my old medication so i’m not complaining too much. The only thing that is worse now is that I don’t get to be in the big open comfy room with the big open windows and the gorgeous mountain views.

    Instead I’m stuck in a room that I’m convinced used to be a janitor’s closet with no windows at all and no space for my wife to come in and sit with me. I’m told it’s due to the high demand for appointments at this center and because my infusion time is shorter than most others, I’m the one who gets the depressing “private infusion room”.

    Oh well, at least the nurses are amazing and I will be out of here soon. I’m still working out what to expect after my infusions so I have the rest of the day off in case I need a nap. If I don’t, I’ll spend it cleaning and catching up on Star Wars: The Clone Wars. It’s going to be good day either way because I get to be inside away from the cold and I don’t have to come back here for another month.

  • 055//366

    It’s one of the better Monday’s I’ve had in a while. There isn’t much going on for once. Some days there are big projects to do, other days you are just maintaining the process. Today is a maintenance day. The process, the boring but exceedingly important process is what I am focusing on today. Data entry, filing, cross checking, following up, verifying, updating, these are the key tasks for the day.

    I love this kid of work. Teaching is great, being on the buses is great too, but sitting behind a desk with my headphones in just flipping through paperwork and organizing information in accessible and understandable formats will always be my where my passion truly lies.

    This feels so good, so calming and easy, that I think I will make every Monday “process days” from now on.

  • 054//366

    I wish this was another three-day weekend away from work and life’s obligations and though it isn’t, I’m trying to be grateful to have any three-day weekends at all rather than being disappointed that this one isn’t. I’m trying to focus on what needs to be done rather than wallowing in what I’d rather not do.

    This week my wife and I swapped our usual house cleaning duties. She took over the laundry, because she gets it done faster and more efficiently than me, and I took over cleaning the bathroom because she hates doing it. She kept the grocery shopping, and I kept the dishes and we are still alternating meal prep duties. I’m grateful for a relationship where gender roles are non-existent and no expectations are set in stone.

    Everything is negotiable. Everything is changeable.

  • 053//366

    I was supposed to be in Colorado Springs for a family event but the schedule changed, then changed back too late for my wife and I to make the drive down there. We’d spent the morning getting ready and not wanting to waste the time (and being in need of cheering up) we decided to get out, enjoy the nice weather, and buy ourselves something nice in the process.

    We started out on my favorite lawn and garden place to buy new pots and my dream plant, a small monstera deliciosa more commonly known as a split-leaf philodendron.

    The warm temperatures and the rows and rows of greenery made it easy to pretend it was Spring. I only wish the weather was going to last. Looking at the extended forecast it seems winter will return at least until next weekend. Maybe I will return and pretend again for a while then.

    I got a new book, Borne by Jeff VanderMeer, an impulse buy based totally on the fact that I enjoyed another one of his books, Annihilation. I was tempted to get 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami but that book always scares me. I’m afraid I my expectation of it are too high and that I will ultimately hate it. Next time, next time…

    Came home with burgers, fries, and milkshakes for dinner, dimmed the lights and put on The Lighthouse. When the movie ended my first thought was “what the fuck was that”? I didn’t like it but the more I think about it, the more I see the genius of it. It about the lies we tell and the lies we tell ourselves. It about jealousy, socialization (male socialization in particular), desire (male desire in particular), isolation, jealousy, and anger, just to name a few things.

    It was entertaining and creepy, but a little too weird to make it onto my list of favorites. Glad I saw it, but I didn’t pay to see it in a movie theater.