If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ve never been good at mornings but this morning is especially slow. My body isn’t cooperating and my mind is even more useless. Coffee is helping though and I feel my bones waking and loosening with every sip.

The sun is helping too. Spring has definitely sprung here in Colorado quite suddenly and without fanfare as if she had been here all along. Being able to open the windows and let the warm air in is doing wonders for the Sunday soul.

So, pull up and chair and, please, fill up a cup. I’m sorely missing my old espresso machine today but the Moka pot is on and a bit of coconut cream in the bottom of the mug will smooth out the texture and flavor. Let’s talk about last week.

“Chugging coffee this morning, not because I’m tired, but because it’s so damn good, for some reason. It might be the lingering feeling of actual sunshine, or a good night’s sleep. I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Take the good when you get it, and just enjoy it.”

Thord D. Hedengren

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was my Spring break but instead of a whole week off I only took two days. With the wedding coming up, and the snow days from the week before, I just felt that a whole week of pay was too much to sacrifice for a little free time.

I had hoped for a week of easy work, the typical stuff I do but with fewer people around. I hoped to put in my headphones, catch up on a few podcasts and make progress on my courses. Oh, how wrong I was.

I ended up being “volun-told” to help out in our hiring department making phone calls to prospective new employees. I was to help them fill out applications and once the applications were complete, I scheduled them for interviews. My anxiety levels were sky-high, but I did my best and my best turned out to be pretty damn good. More than that, I actually enjoyed it.

I called nearly every person in the stack they gave me and scheduled all the interviews I could. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on the phones, over 10 years, but I was good at it then, and it all came back to me last week. Empathy, patience, and communication have always been the areas where my strengths lie.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have made a lot of wedding progress this week. We now have our ceremony site permit, two photographers, a caterer, and an officiant. We have our colors settled on and my fiance has an appointment to try on prospective dresses in the next couple of weeks.

Things are moving along. I just hope we can keep this momentum going. We’re easily overwhelmed and prone to long stretches of procrastination.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I can feel my health is going downhill though I can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not.

My joints are stiffer than usual. The ache all day and if I push myself too hard they are throbbing painfully by bedtime. I’m still losing weight but not rapidly enough to panic yet. Just under 10 pounds in the last couple of months though I haven’t changed my diet, nor have I been working out more, yet. I’m afraid to push my body any further.

I’ve still not started the medication my doctor prescribed for me because I am still caught up in the bureaucracies of the health care system. I’m being asked to be patient without being given any explanation but my gut is telling me that my insurance company doesn’t want to pay for this medication. My gut is telling me that when they do call, I’ll be told to try something else first and all this stress and patience will have been for nothing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as I type this my fiance is receiving some rather devastating news. There has been a death in her family and she’ll have to leave the state this week to be with her family and say goodbye to their loved one.

My heart is breaking for her and I wish I could go along to help her through this time but to make arrangements for the pets and for work with such short notice would be too much. I’ll have to accept that this is something I cannot fix and offer what small comfort I can from afar.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I hate whenever she has to go out-of-town, not just because I will be alone, but because I will have to drive.

For my new followers who may not know, I have a pretty severe phobia of driving. Even thinking about it now is making my heart rate increase and my palms sweat. My girlfriend is quite understanding about but it hasn’t been easy for her to take on most of the responsibility of transportation for both of us. Of course, when she’s gone, I have no one to help when it gets hard. When she is gone I have to be brave and fight myself while operating a moving vehicle.

I know I’ll be okay. I’ve driven to and from work, and to the grocery store, and many other places plenty of times, but somehow it never seems to get easier to get behind the wheel. In the winter I am especially averse to driving and so it’s been a little while for me. I have to get used to it again and quickly before she goes.

It’s a dumb fear to have, I know, but that doesn’t stop it from being real and it doesn’t make it easier but I’m determined to be brave especially after this week when my fears came up at work and I felt, once again, embarrassed and ashamed to speak my truth. So, I have to be brave not just in facing my fear, but of owning it too.

The truth is that hiding makes it easier to stay stuck and hiding makes me feel worse and worse as the years go on. I’m done hiding, and I’m done being afraid. I want to move past this and I know that once I do there will be nothing left that I can’t overcome.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, now that the day is nearly over and the evening is ready to settle in, it’s time for me to get up and do all my Sunday things.

The conference starts early tomorrow and being across town (I’m carpooling with coworkers) means I have to get up a lot earlier than usual and that means I need to prepare more and better for the coming week than I normally would. Everything has to be ready.

I hope you had a good week and that wherever you are the sun is shining and you feel loved. I hope you made time for you and that we can all face our fears and overcome them too.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo courtesy of Barn Images

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

5 thoughts on “If We Were Having Coffee // A Dumb Fear to Have”

  1. Best wishes for your week, with the unaccustomed driving and so much to see to alone. Happy to know that the wedding preparations are coming along well. I admire your going ahead and driving. I never was able to get a license. Hoping the conference activities are fun!


  2. Ugh – Lisa – this would be a big burden for anyone. I’m sorry to know that you and your girl-friend are going though this when you should be smiles around the clock with planning your wedding. Count me among those who, if we only had the words to resolve any of this, we would be shoveling them at you now.
    Congrats BTW on your success working the phone as you described. I too can do it if I need to, but really – really prefer not to spend my day on the phone for work. Hang in there. This all will soon be history that you may tell stories about or forget as the mood takes you.



  3. Not a dumb fear at all.. I’ll be sending you good thoughts to get through it and pray it becomes easier for you! Congrats on your upcoming nuptials and we look forward to the pics!


  4. I always get so many feelings when I read your posts, Your honest writing touches something in me. I’m sorry for your girlfriend’s loss, and I congratulate you for working hard towards your dreams. Thanks for the coffee! …sorry I was so late this week. Last weekend was crazy. I’ll do better this week.


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