Statuses

The end of the week, and the end of the month, has finally arrived. I have mixed feelings about both. January is probably the farthest from being my favorite month but the older I get the more I want to slow it all down, even the most miserable of months.

But today I’m eager to get to the end. I’m eager to see 5:00, to leave work, and to see my wife. It’s date night. We’re going to the movies, of course, to see Parasite, finally. I hope it will be as good as critics say. I hope the hype is real and I will love it as much as media says I will. It seems like my kind of film: slow building, a little weird, a little disturbing, and open to all kinds of interpretation.

I’m eager to see the rest of the weekend too. The weather this weekend promises to be beautiful and I have every intention of getting out to soak it up before the snow forecasted to hit by midday Monday.

I spent the day getting ready for next week. Turns out I’m not going to have the week of rest and recuperation I thought I was going to have and that I know I so desperately need. I’m preparing paperwork and preparing myself emotionally too. If I’m honest it’s frustrating but at the same time it’s forcing me to focus on the time I have now and to do what makes me feel good today.

I’m reading a lot and I’m enjoying it for a change. Lately reading has been a chore, a race, a goal and milestone I have to achieve. I read to say I have been reading and not for the pure enjoyment of it. I’m keeping track of pages read and pushing myself to get through just 20 more, 10 more, 2 more and I can stop. It’s been a long time since I just got lost in the story. I want to get back to that again. I’m getting lost in a book today. No time limits, no page goals, just reading while it feels good and stopping when it no longer does.

Life is feeling somewhat back to normal today. My favorite coworkers are back, the class of new employees is being released, and for the next few days nothing “above and beyond” will be asked of me.

Everyone is sick and I’m a little scared of catching this flu or infection going around. Whatever it is it appears to be highly contagious. It escalates quickly and impacts the body severely. A lot of my coworkers look like zombies: pale, sluggish, and devoid of rationality. For my part I’m keeping the office clean, keeping my distance, and drinking Emergen-c religiously. The last thing I need right now is another nasty cold as I’m weaning off of one medication and about to begin another.

I am trying to write but I’m feeling stuck, passionless, and empty. The words won’t come and they are hidden so well I don’t even know in which direction to begin my search. No amount of promises or punishment is working and I’m already out of coffee so I’m giving up for now. I’ve written this, and that is better than nothing. Time to switch to reading. Love in the Time of Cholera is getting better and I’m excited to start Aphorisms on Love and Hate by Friedrich Nietzsche today. I should get through as many pages as I can while the enthusiasm lasts.

Yesterday I wondered over creating space between myself and the emotions and actions of others, I meant it metaphorically but today I am manifesting it literally. I’m staying home and enjoying some much wanted if not much needed time alone.

It’s not just that though. I’m having that heavy exhausted feeling again, that fatigue that gets into the bones and won’t leave no matter how much sleep you get or caffeine you guzzle. I’ve had to take two naps and make two carafes of coffee in the French press and I’m only just now feeling somewhat myself again.

I had hoped to spend the day half cleaning, half writing, but neither of those were possible in significant amounts. I did get a lot of reading done though, almost half my goal for the week already! I’m proud of that at least and that goes a long way (in addition to the rest) toward making me feel a little more prepared to return to the real world tomorrow.

And here we are again.

Winter has returned today and we are seeing the first snowfall in nearly a month. It isn’t much, but it ended the chance of a rare “precipitation-less January”. I normally hate snow, I still hate snow, but having not seen it in so long and worried over why it’s been gone and what the consequences of its absence will be, makes this snow fall a little more welcome, peaceful, and beautiful than most.

It’s strange to have a Monday turn out better than the Friday that proceeded it but this week is definitely beginning on a better note than the last one ended. For one some of my favorite coworkers are back, and for two, I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin, a lot more secure, and a lot less anxious and afraid.

I’m still feeing very “burned-out” though but more and more I think it’s people and not my actual job duties that are pushing me over the edge. I have to find a way to maintain my inner peace even in the face of frustration, negativity, and sabotage. When I step back, I can see that none of the people who I’ve allowed to impact my mood have any real impact on my life, my duties, or my dreams, so why do they affect me so?

And how do I begin to establish a sense of space and time between the emotions of others and mine, the actions of others and mine?

It’s another lazy day here but not quite as lazy as yesterday. I’m up and about the housecleaning and preparing for the week. Coffee has been a big help, as always, and knowing that tonight’s dinner is already bubbling away in the crock-pot, and laundry is just three short loads from finish is giving me sense of peace I struggle to find most Sundays.

Still, as well as things are going, I wish this weekend were another long one like the last. Three days away from work are perfect. A day for family, friends, and fun, a day for all the things you have to do like cleaning and errands, and a day for you to have all your own. This feels like the way life should be and anything less feels like a robbery. Think of it, what one more day a week to call your own could mean. Think of it, how much life capitalism, corporation, and competition have stolen.

And just like that my peace is gone.