I got up later than I wanted to but after a late night back home and a restless night of sleep I can’t really be too hard on myself over it.

The goal is to spend the day taking care of myself so I can recover and get back to the schedule I have worked so hard to cultivate these last weeks. So, it’s a lazy Saturday. I’m happy about it but there is a grain of guilt irritating underneath it. I think I should be doing more around the house but none of those projects are what I really want to do. What I want to do is read and write and spend time I know I won’t have again for months and months in my “creativity room”.

And as I always do when I’m caught between doing what I want to do and feeling guilty for not doing what I think I ought to do, I opt for the worst possible choice, to do nothing at all instead. By now my willpower is non-existent and I’m wasting the evening watching movies and playing games on my phone. I know I should get up by my body won’t move without a satisfactory answer to why and “because we should” isn’t at all good enough.

“And,” my body reminds me, “we need the rest. We deserve to tune out and here we have cuddly pets and a loving wife willing to waste the night with you. It isn’t so bad or useless and you say. Life is lived here too, and it is a worthy life. Allow yourself to enjoy it.”


Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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