Beautiful sunrise this morning.

Being at work during this epidemic is stressful. I work for the transportation department of a very large school district and since we serve such a large swath of the city and surrounding area, it feels like the threat is closer and the stakes higher. Like an airport once an infectious disease hits our department it goes everywhere. Bus driver and assistants bring it in, pass it around, and then send it back out to other routes, other kids, and their families. We’re doing what we can but we feel helpless, afraid, panicked.

I’m trying my best to stay above the fray. I’m focusing on what I have to do. I have a resume to revise and an interview to prepare for. I’m surprisingly calm. I think I’m too tired to be anxious. I consider that both a blessing as well as a curse. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry. The position I am applying for is everything I’m already doing and everything I want to do. I am the most qualified and the obvious choice. I hear them, but I see all the ways I can fail too. I see how imperfect I am and how short I truly fall from their image of me. I see myself as an imposter waiting to be found out.

But, just as my failures are part of me, so are my successes and just as the way other’s see my is only half of the truth so is the way I see myself. I deserve this, that is true, no matter whether it is decided I will have it or not.

I just got and email and a text from the school district saying that the district is closing starting tomorrow due to the coronavirus outbreak. Spring break will not only be starting a day early but will also be extended by an additional week through March 30th.

It sounds like we’re all still to report to work in the morning to disinfect and prepare the buses and offices for our eventual reopening. Shortly after my boss called to tell me my interview was still on. She said they didn’t want to have to wait another two weeks “or longer”. I wonder if, after the 30th, if things are as bad as everyone thinks they will be, we might not be coming back then. I wonder if we are looking at the end of the school year now?


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Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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