An aspiring writer fascinated by what we simply are.
Today was all the weekend that I had to myself and even in there was so much that I had to do. I hate having to do things, but, I also love all the parts of my life that make having to do things necessary. My home, my family, my work, my friends, my community, being alive, these are reasons to have to do things.
The snow is falling already but nothing is sticking so I’m not hoping for a snow day. Tomorrow will be miserable, and so will the rest of the week according to the forecast, I’ve resigned myself to that reality.
Sunday nights are hardest in the winter.
The sun is out, and it’s finally Friday! I feel like nothing at all can go wrong.
I like my job the best on Fridays because hardly anyone sticks around in the middle of the day since preschool isn’t running. It’s quiet and sometimes I even treat myself and order delivery for lunch. Today’s treat was a delicious “holy aioli” burger and a side of sweet potato fries from Dog Haus.
Tonight we’re taking my cousin out for an early birthday dinner and tomorrow we have to quit procrastinating and get our costumes ready for our friends Halloween party. I’m both looking forward to it all and dreading it too. I want to be the kind of person who has a social life but my body can’t keep up. I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.
It’s a frigid and snowy day today, the exact kind of day I hate. Of course the one day of the week winter decides to show up is the one where I have the busiest schedule and, of course, the very people who where supposed to help me stayed home. It might be a good thing though. I’ve always preferred the solo projects.
I’m just being crabby because I haven’t been able to do anything much for me and I know that this weekend will be busy too and now that I think about it next Monday feels awfully close already. The days are growing drab and mundane and nothing feels all that important or worth the effort. Everything is exhausting. Everything is at best an irritation and at worst a waste.
Let the seasonal depression begin.
Today is another easy day, and my mood is much improved from yesterday. It’s definitely a better day than yesterday. Time is moving along a lot faster and I’m much more inclined to speak to and even hold conversations with my coworkers. I’m not being as productive as I would like though.
But, there is a tradeoff between interacting with other people and working toward my goals. I can’t do both at once, but both are essential to my well being so how do I choose? I swing wildly between wanting to do one or the other and often regret whichever I end up doing. Perhaps that’s because I don’t know how to end one and switch to the other. I spend all day with others or alone, never half-and-half, never even a 90/10 split. It’s always all or the other.
Balance, boundaries, and having the courage to say no are all skills I have to strengthen.
I’m doing good this morning. I slept well and very little is being asked of me which means I can get a lot of small personal tasks out of the way and spend the afternoon on my larger goals. I’m feeling disciplined.
I’ve been practicing doing the “hard things” and it’s getting easier and easier. I’m getting better at focusing, writing, reading, and learning when all I want to do is nothing at all—in the mornings when I’m tired, when I’m hungry, when I wish things were different and that I was better.
As happy as I am with myself right now, my patience with other people is at an all-time low. Small talk is exhausting, irritating, wasteful. I have things to do and I resent others for diverting my attention or suggesting that there are other things I should be doing.
The day has been downhill since the morning. I’m home now and I’m so tired. I’m so I barely feel like myself. I’m empty, on the verge of tears, maybe. An unshakeable melancholy sits in my chest though I don’t know why. But I’m home now, thank god. Things are easier here with my wife, the dog, and the cat all willing to comfort and distract me from the day I have had.
Tomorrow I’ll be halfway there, thank god.
Monday’s are hard, this one was no exception. I went to bed far too late, took a long time to fall asleep, and woke up many times during the night. I woke up exhausted and stayed that way all day. There was not enough coffee in the world so i didn’t try. I stuck to myself and took it as easy as I could.
I read a lot, and caught up on old journal posts here. I plugged away at a few drafts and made a little bit of progress on Coursera. The day felt long but there still weren’t enough hours.
I’m home now and feeling a lot more present and motivated. I’m more like myself again. I took care of a few things I have been avoiding lately and cleared some mental space in preparation for tomorrow. I’m looking forward and trying like hell not to dwell on my shortcomings.
Little by little. Anything is better than nothing. Making progress, any progress, that is all that matters. That is what I am choosing to focus on.
So, we started watching Mindhunter on Netflix again and somehow, this time I am completely taken in by the show. The last time I tried it I felt it was not only slow but pointless too. This time I can’t stop watching. It’s well past my bedtime now and even with the knowledge that even if I went to bed right now I’d be miserable I have opted for another 50 minute episode.
It’s strange how you hard it is to resist cravings and impulses, how alluring the pull of instant gratification, and how, even with the certainty that the choice you are making is the worst one for you, you can happily do the exact wrong thing.
Tomorrow is going to be tough.
The weekend is already too short and I still have a whole day and a half left of it. Hell, I had three days of weekend leading up to it, and it’s still not enough. I’m convinced that rime away from work is no way to reset and return with renewed energy and motivation. No, the more time you have off the harder it is to return to work and the harder it is to find fulfillment in what you have no passion for.
Knowing this, I have decided to make time today for what I do have a passion for. I’m writing, some, I’m making progress on Coursera readings and videos, and reading, a lot. I’m doing it all from the couch, which probably isn’t the best idea, but I have directed my brain not to consider the TV a priority. Wish me luck.
Today is like an empty vessel that needs filling but nothing seems to fit or feel right. I don’t know what to spend my time on. Rest sounds nice but I don’t want to give it too many hours but doing anything else feels like asking too much.
It turned out to be a rather productive day. I cleaned out the car, cleaned up the kitchen, made a cut out poem, submitted my assignment for week 3 of International Women’s Health and Human Rights, and read nearly 100 pages of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky.
I wish I could have done more. I could have, but I chose to lose hours watching T.V. with my wife. I don’t wish I had spent fewer hours doing that in exchange…I just wish I could have done more of both. I wish I could have more hours, more energy, more of all the things I love. I suppose I should just be grateful for what I have. It was a rather productive day after all, and it was a loving one too.
That is so much more than most people get in 24 hours.
I accidentally took a 3 hour nap and now it feels like the whole day is gone. I know it isn’t really but my disappointment and depression are working closely together to keep me from seizing what is left. I just want to keep on sleeping and to be honest I’m already dreading work next Monday. Why am I like this?
The evening turned out better. I’m always shocked by how romantic browsing the labyrinth of IKEA can feel. Their showrooms and carefully laid out furniture sections make it easy to plan your home together without feeling enclosed by aisles and the reality of other people. We didn’t walk away with the bookshelves we came for but only because I found something better and have to measure the rooms to make sure they will fit.
After shopping it was burgers and beers, fried pickles and banana pudding for dinner at my favorite casual dining place. I normally hate beer but I tried a Station 26 Tangerine Cream Pale Ale, and it was amazing! It actually tasted like tangerine, but it also tasted like beer. Perhaps is hope for me yet that I might join the world of beer lovers and learn to drink this golden brew without wanting to puke.
And now we’re home and staying up late to scare ourselves watching In The Tall Grass on Netflix, a horror film apparently based on a Stephen King and Joe Hill novella. I can’t wait for the nightmares.