178 // Excuse Me

How is it not Friday yet?! I swear this week will never end. I’m trapped within it and I’m growing rather terrified. The longer I am here the hotter it gets, the more stifling it gets, the more exhausted I become and the more I worry how much harder it will get on my mind and my body. I worry how I will be able to keep this up.

I’m looking at the weekend now and all I see is more stress and exhaustion, and then it will be Monday before I know it, before I am ready, and I will begin it all again.

Time marches on and we march with it with our weights weighing heavier and no time at all to stop, to rest, to cool down, and to ready ourselves to begin the journey again. In life, we must always think on our feet and most of us end up so so worn out we must be dragged along reacting and wailing rather than living.

Excuse me, I’ve not slept well for many nights now.


177 // This?

And suddenly it’s summer I suppose. Suddenly we’re regretting every complaint and plea for more sun and higher temperatures. Now any outside work has to start earlier and in the afternoons we’re trapped indoors. We’re exhausted by the heat but sleep is impossible until the night air cools long after the sun has gone down. It’s that time of year when cold showers become necessary both morning and night and ice cream becomes a perfectly acceptable meal replacement.

We’re miserable. We sweat, we sleep, we complain but no matter what we say deep down we love it. This is just what we missed all winter long.

176 // What Was Denied Us

After work, my fiance and I went directly to our local County Clerk and Recorder’s Office to apply for our marriage license. This is the part of the wedding planning I’ve looked forward to the most. In my eyes, no part was more momentous in my eyes simply because this is the part that I never thought I would be doing.

Though same-sex marriage was illegal for most of our relationship, that fact would not have stopped us from planning a wedding if we’d wanted to. It is this process, this paperwork and these simple legal matters that was denied us.

I’ve always gotten the impression that straight couples find filling out an application for a marriage license and speaking to an impartial county clerk through a window about social security numbers and mother’s maiden names to be an unremarkable errand and not worth speaking about, but I sat there stifling a whirlwind of emotions.

I felt so proud and so happy to be alive and in love just where and when and with whom I am but I also felt the weight of all those who came before me and fought for and were denied this simple dignity and privilege. When we left, and the clerk congratulated us, as I’m sure she does every other couple, I nearly broke down in tears.

175 // My Part

I tell people that I don’t want to be the one in charge. I tell them I don’t want the lion’s share of the work, that I don’t want to be the “go to” person, the example, or the one making all the decisions. I just want to be part of the team. I just want to do my job for a while. I don’t want to be important. I don’t want anyone or anything to depend on me. I tell people that, but my actions never match my words and I don’t know why.

I feel this overwhelming need to step up whenever there is work to be done. I feel the need to do my part but I’m never sure where my part ends and someone else’s begins. I’m never sure when to stop and I am terrified to get it wrong. I’m terrified to look lazy, or for anyone to have the room to say I’m not a team player or a hard worker. So, I work harder than I need to, than I want to, and than anyone is even asking me to and as a result, I fear I don’t leave room for others to shine.

Tomorrow I will try a little harder to step back and to trust that my team will let me know when to step up again.

174 // So Good

I forgot to set my alarm and woke up late losing many hours to regret but I still found the energy, the motivation, and the inspiration to clean the house, write something, decide things, and plan. Gosh, it’s been so long since I was able to do so much, mentally and physically. Being alive came easier today than it has in a long time.

And it felt so good! So good I wish the day would never end. I wish I could go on the way I am right now, which feels so much like the way I was before, but I have a feeling that a night’s sleep and the start of Monday will ruin it all. Oh well, I’m grateful all the same and perhaps the memory of right now will carry me through a day or two at least.

173 // People Have Forgotten

One thing that has been bothering me is the way (straight) people reference how long my fiance and I have been living together before getting married as if it were a bad thing or some kind of failure. People seem to have forgotten that until just under 5 years ago, we couldn’t legally get married!

People seem to have forgotten that the distribution of rights were (and in some ways still are) very different, and are now holding us to a higher social and moral expectation than we could have achieved. It isn’t our fault we had to wait so long and bringing it up opens deep and painful wounds. It reminds us how much we are hated, and then shames us for it.

172 // From Bad to Better to Best

I’m still not feeling much like myself but I am doing my best and pushing through. I just wish time would move a little faster so I could get back home and get back to resting. I’m grateful for my fiance today who will answer a call and reply to texts even when she’s busy because she knows I need her. I’m grateful for a partner who will leave early to make lunch plans and who can make me feel that even if  “right now” kind of sucks, “soon” will be so much better if I can just hang on.

So, lunch had to be canceled due to family emergencies, but the day still got so much better. I got that nap I needed very much and afterward, we went to do another fitting for my suit. It’s coming along so beautifully. Now just the pants need to be hemmed up and let out a little at the waist.

The weather was crappy, and we were hungry. The week was still wearing on us still and we’ve missed each other, so we opted on impulse for a much-needed dinner and a movie date night. We got crappy seats to a zombie comedy, ate too much popcorn, had too many cocktails, and giggled like schoolgirls in love. Oh, how I’ve missed that! The week couldn’t have ended on a better note!

171 // It Could Be Friday

Today was a hard day. My mood is in a downward swing and I’m not playing well with others. I did my best to fake it for as long as I could but I ended up calling it a day early and heading home to my dog and a good nap.

Fatigue is killing me. I used to be able to fake it. I used to pride myself on my ability to power through, but lately, I haven’t been able to hide it so well. Lately it’s been noticeable and lately, I can’t even gather myself up enough to pretend.

I have the option of making today my Friday and making Friday the beginning of a three-day weekend which sounds really nice but I keep doing the math in my head so many dollars per hour times so many hours per day is how much money I am taking away from us when I stay home. My actions impact others and taking care of me often means depriving my home of something it needs.

It could be Friday but I doubt it will be. My guilt won’t let it.

170 // I Couldn’t Resist

The most wonderful feeling is to be wanted, and the most special feeling is being wanted by those who aren’t as quick to wanting as most. I was late to work today because I was so wanted by someone who rarely expresses the need and it felt so good I couldn’t resist. I laid in bed surrounded by the warmth of love and the summer sun pretending I didn’t have a care in the world like it was a lazy Sunday morning and I had nowhere at all to be.

The rest of the day meant nothing and made no impression in comparison.

169 // This is My Gift

Tonight we saw my dad for his father’s day celebration. As always, it was a wonderful visit, and as always I wish there wasn’t that strange gap between us. It’s a hole that opened between us the day I was born, I imagine, and though it’s width has grown no wider since that day its depth has gone beyond our ability to fathom and our courage to leap over.

Such gaps between parents and their children are common, but each one is unique. The one between my father and I, from where I stand, is made of all my love, and all my anger, and all my wondering and regret. Its depth is all he couldn’t give and all my incessant wanting.

I’m sure from where he stands it must look different. From his side it may be darker, made of much more past and much more pain. I know this and for this reason I hold his hand above the fissure and squeeze it in forgiveness. For this reason, I ask nothing more than what I know is possible. This is my gift.

Happy Father’s Day.