It’s been some time since I have shared a small update or thought fragment. Longer than I would have liked and longer, perhaps, if I am honest, than was necessary. Life and love, and the summer sun have kept me away, but the good thing about writing is that it’s always ready and waiting for your return.
Today is an “in-between” kind of day. One of those days where all the things you were stressing about have passed, but many of the things you might be worried about are yet to begin. It’s a day to breathe, to shore up energy and resources, to think, and to not think.
I plan to take some time for the things I care about and the things I have neglected. My wife has been quite sick this past week and I finally have time to take proper care of her and our home while she recovers. My dog is desperate for attention and many of my plants are looking sad. The refrigerator is empty; the laundry has piled up, and the trash bin is overflowing. It’s a lot, but it feels good to get things back in order and back to normal.
(I want to take a moment here to say that though I hate to see my wife so miserable and exhausted, I’m also grateful for the push it gave me to step outside of my comfort zone. I tend to lean on her a lot, but this week I had to stand on my own, for the both of us. I made incredible progress through my driving anxiety and I feel so much more confident. The world is a little less scary and I am not so small or incapable as I once was.)
Between chores and doses of medication, I’ll be at my desk. I have missed this space and all my little interests and obsessions terribly. I have missed myself. There are journal pages to fill and notes to organize. There are podcasts to listen to and articles and items in need of attention and sorting. Luckily, there is also plenty of cold brew coffee chilling in the fridge to keep me going.
I wish a happy Father’s day to those that are, and a happy Juneteenth to the ancestors who built this country and the descendants who will never forget.
I’d meant to return to mindfulness and discipline this morning and wake up early to write a bit and organize some of my ideas into an actionable list, but the stress of the past week caught up to me in the form of a worsening headache and a generally exhausted and icky feeling.
I’m chalking it up to a week of being on my feet too much, then sitting in chairs that made proper posture impossible all while hardly eating, or eating poorly, getting too little sleep, and drinking little more than coffee and energy drinks.
As a result, my body is hurting from head to toe and I’m craving rest badly. It was hard to leave the bed and I admit I couldn’t manage it until nearly two hours after my first alarm went off. I think it’ll take a day or two of rest and strict adherence to good eating habits, my medication and supplement schedule, and any kind of exercise whatsoever to return to functional.
Mentally and emotionally, I’m somewhat better than just a day or two ago. The latest crisis is working its way toward resolution and I’m able to attend to unresolved emotions.
With each wave, with each pull beneath the surface and each rising and breath, I feel myself grow stronger. I can see others growing and gaining insight too as we fight through these troubling waters. I’m only glad not to be alone. I’m glad that we are safe—for now. I’m glad there is strength left yet.
I spent the early morning learning about the administrative side of CPR instruction once again, only this time I’m learning by doing. It’s so cool to know there will be people walking around with little certification cards in their wallets with my name. It’s very cool to know one of those people might save a life one day.
The rest of the day’s meetings ran longer than I expected but they were good and, as so rarely happens, productive. By midday I was feeling a bit woozy. I hadn’t eaten anything beforehand and though it was somewhat intentional I hadn’t meant to go so long without food.
For the past two days I have consumed my usual foods and calories but within a shorter time frame, moving breakfast up to after 10:00 AM and bringing dinner and dessert to before 7:00 PM at the latest. That comes out to about 15 hours spent consuming nothing but coffee and water.
I’m doing it to lose weight, but that isn’t the only reason. I’m still eating the same amount of food. I’ve just stopped grazing all day so my body has a chance to use up its excess energy reserves before I eat again. In addition to the weight loss benefits there the chance for my gut to rest between days. Increasing my ulcerative colitis medication dosage has helped, but even in a mild flare food is very irritating to the gut. By increasing the time between dinner and breakfast the next day, I can decrease that irritation and heal faster. At least, that’s my hope.
The most wonderful feeling is to be wanted, and the most special feeling is being wanted by those who aren’t as quick to wanting as most. I was late to work today because I was so wanted by someone who rarely expresses the need and it felt so good I couldn’t resist. I laid in bed surrounded by the warmth of love and the summer sun pretending I didn’t have a care in the world like it was a lazy Sunday morning and I had nowhere at all to be.
The rest of the day meant nothing and made no impression in comparison.