084 // Back to Myself

I’ve spent a long time away from myself now. Over a month at least. I’ve been resting and reading, working and cleaning, and not much more. I’m too drained, too dejected, and, sometimes, too distressed or disquieted for anything else.

But I have missed myself these past few weeks. I’ve missed spending time on those little things that calm me, awaken me, excite me. I have missed my early mornings, my solitude, my little hobbies and particulars.

The problem has been deep and persistent guilt building inside me. There are so many people around me taking the time to be patient, to be supportive, to be kind and helpful, which is all very good and nice, except now there are all these little debts I owe piling up everywhere all the time.

Now any scrap of motivation or focus I have has to be spent returning the favor. All I have time for now is work, or my house, or my loved ones. There’s nothing left that belongs to me anymore.

And today isn’t much different, except that I had a little too much coffee and found myself with just one spare minute I didn’t quite know what to do with. So, I thought, why not stop by this old place, clear some cobwebs, and sit for a minute with that old feeling of possibility?

And oh, how I have missed it too! I’m suddenly reminded of how many ideas I have yet to explore and how many little interesting and thought-provoking things I had hoped to share. I’m suddenly reminded that I had a purpose for this place and a goal for this year. I’m suddenly filled with a small—very small—spark of determination.

Now? Who knows. I found one minute today, maybe I can find two tomorrow? Maybe I can get comfortable carving out a little time and a little space—this space—to call my own. Maybe I can begin to believe I deserve something of my own at all.

Maybe I can find my way back to myself again.

085//366

It turns out Wednesday’s are the most boring day of the week, whether you are in social isolation or you are working. We have nothing going on and nowhere to go to change that. The weather is gorgeous at least, and we can have the windows open. We can bring the outside in since we are avoiding bringing ourselves out.

It’s the time of day when I allow myself to check in with the news. I’ve been obsessive about the local news lately and have created a list on Twitter for Colorado news outlets and political institutions and organizations only. It seems the rumors I was reading were true and beginning tomorrow morning the entire tri-county area will be under a “shelter in place” order. Not much will change for my wife and I. Since schools closed down weeks ago, we’ve been socially distancing longer than most. We only leave for groceries or to walk around the neighborhood, and tomorrow, to take me to my infusion appointment.

I’m noticing a disturbing trend in which the President says a lot of things that cause panic and incur criticism, but it seems he has very little influence over what is actually happening in the real world. He’s talking about reopening businesses and sending people back to work while our political leadership here doubts the school year will resume before summer. I’ve decided not to even listen to the President during this time and to receive information and take guidance from my local leaders, Governor Cuomo (who has been conducting daily thoughtful and encouraging press conferences), the Center for Disease Control, and the World Health Organization.

I’d advise you all to do the same.