053 // Losing Hours

Today is my Sunday and so, I guess you could say I have the Tuesday blues. These hours, though not spent at work, already belong to work. There is nothing I can start for myself because I have to prepare for others. There is nothing I can enjoy because my mind has flown off already exhausted and anxious over the next five days.

It doesn’t help that I rose later than I meant to this morning. The sun warmed me awake early, but I lay in bed stubbornly, defiantly, like a child doing the opposite of what I wanted because it was all I could control. In the end, only I am hurt, and in the end, there is only me to be at times angry with, and at times disappointed in.

Losing a few early hours didn’t used to matter, but more and more, what I’m trading them for feels like a waste. If it were as simple as needing more rest, I may not mind so much, but lately, it’s been me I am fighting with, and I don’t want to fight anymore. I have the time I have and I don’t have the time I don’t. I can’t deny that. I can change it, but I have to accept it first.

This past weekend I’ve also accepted that the apps and algorithms are winning. They are sucking other hours out of my life that I hardly even knew were there before they were gone. So, I’ve set timers for the worst offenders: Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat.

When the timer is up, the app lets me know I have to wait until tomorrow for more content and I am released to reclaim my attention. Some might say it shouldn’t take that, but when you have companies spending more money than you can imagine unlocking all your weaknesses, putting in front of you the content they know you can’t turn away from rather than the content you came to see, it takes more than pure willpower to fight back.

On the flip side, I am also experimenting with the timer for apps I want to be on. Those apps I use for reading books, apps for learning a language, and apps for free courses I want to finish all have timers too and I have to stay on them until the timer is up. This helps me to do the work I want, without getting overly focused on one thing to the detriment of everything else I hoped to accomplish.

It’s mid-evening now and I can feel the time left ticking itself away. I’m choosing to be grateful for the extra time I did have away from work. I’m choosing to do at least three things for me before bedtime: write these words, get past a few chapters of my current reads, and, lastly, make a plan for the hours I’ll have tomorrow—a plan free of excuses and regrets.



I was supposed to be in Colorado Springs for a family event but the schedule changed, then changed back too late for my wife and I to make the drive down there. We’d spent the morning getting ready and not wanting to waste the time (and being in need of cheering up) we decided to get out, enjoy the nice weather, and buy ourselves something nice in the process.

We started out on my favorite lawn and garden place to buy new pots and my dream plant, a small monstera deliciosa more commonly known as a split-leaf philodendron.

The warm temperatures and the rows and rows of greenery made it easy to pretend it was Spring. I only wish the weather was going to last. Looking at the extended forecast it seems winter will return at least until next weekend. Maybe I will return and pretend again for a while then.

I got a new book, Borne by Jeff VanderMeer, an impulse buy based totally on the fact that I enjoyed another one of his books, Annihilation. I was tempted to get 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami but that book always scares me. I’m afraid I my expectation of it are too high and that I will ultimately hate it. Next time, next time…

Came home with burgers, fries, and milkshakes for dinner, dimmed the lights and put on The Lighthouse. When the movie ended my first thought was “what the fuck was that”? I didn’t like it but the more I think about it, the more I see the genius of it. It about the lies we tell and the lies we tell ourselves. It about jealousy, socialization (male socialization in particular), desire (male desire in particular), isolation, jealousy, and anger, just to name a few things.

It was entertaining and creepy, but a little too weird to make it onto my list of favorites. Glad I saw it, but I didn’t pay to see it in a movie theater.