313 // Moving Against the Wind

The exertions of the last few days to weeks have finally caught up with me. Every muscle above my waist is sore, and I can’t seem to find the energy for even the most basic items on my to-do list. A can of Redbull and a little music are helping at the moment, and knowing that for the next three days I get to work from home and by midweek my time will be all mine for at least the next three weeks.

In the meantime, I’m simply doing my best and trying hard to let that be enough. It hasn’t been easy though. Everything I touch or try to do today seems to be going wrong, and I’m falling into negative thought patterns too easily. Instead of this mistake being normal, understandable, forgivable, I’m seeing every misstep as a confirmation of some inherent badness in me.

I’m holding these false narratives at bay, for now, but guilt and low self-esteem are threatening like dark clouds gathering on the horizon. I’ve just got to keep moving against the wind and I should make it to the end of the day, but if I stop for even a moment to look behind I know the blue skies will be overtaken and I’ll be engulfed in gloom and doom until morning.

I couldn’t have asked for a better ending to the work week. Work itself was pretty easy. I got to work in the main office which is always more fun (but also more fast-paced) than my usual work. We ordered breakfast burritos and skillets from a popular brunch place nearby and shared the stress and the laughter before heading home to start the weekend early.

Of course when I got home I felt so guilty for the half day off while my wife worked the rest of her day that I spent it cleaning the house rather than getting a jump on my weekend writing goals. Oh well, my wife is on her way home, the house looks better than when she left it, and dinner is already done. It’ll be a good night too.

The weekend will be long, I hope. I have no obligations to dread and look forward to hours to write and to read. I’m increasingly looking to resurrect my old blog Zen and Pi and to turn it into something outside of myself. A place for concrete ideas. A place to take a stand I suppose.

It’s time to do my real work now.