169 // Readjusting or Time In Between

I got back in town last night after a few days away for a work conference and it’s taking a surprisingly long time to readjust back to my life. I certainly got more sleep, but getting ready for the day felt confusing, and returning to the workplace was hard on my nerves.

I think it’s a lack of peace and quiet affecting me. I learned a lot while I was away and I need space to reflect on all the notes I took and ideas that were sparked over these past days. I need time to organize my intentions and plan a path forward.

Instead, my mental space has been taken up with small talk and small tasks. The urgent is over taking the important and the worst part is it’s not even my urgent. Other people’s problems are threatening to become my problems and the battle to preserve my mood and motivation is hard fought and far from won.

Even when nothing is being asked of me, there is an incessant amount of clamor and chatter and around me. The way others can feel enclosed, trapped, and panicked by lack of space, I feel enclosed, trapped, and panicked by sounds. They are all around me today and closing in.

There are only a few more hours left in the workday and I’m hopeful for a few hours after that I can call my own. I need a chance to reset. To sit down with everything from the past weeks—my notebooks, my goals, my emotions, and my needs—lay it all out and figure out what to keep and what to throw out, what to use and what to give away, what to share and what to hide.

It’s hard to make time for this sort of reorganization on any given day. I already have things I’m having trouble making time for including family, friends, home projects, and rest. I’d have to make time out of that time and most days that feels absolutely impossible.

I have to get back to making time in between. That means between meetings, between classes, between events, between phone calls and to-dos, episodes and intimate moments there has to be time to think. There will be days when I can make real time but when life gets hectic and expectations are piling up, I can’t lose sight of my own creative needs both personally and professionally.

169// Close to Burn Out

We’re in day four of over 90-degree temperatures. The heat has been bad enough but today there is little to no wind and a nasty brown haze hanging over the city. The air feels thick, and the sun is blinding and brutal. I’m looking forward to tomorrow where the heat wave is set to break with temperatures falling to the low 70s and rain teased for the evening.

I helped out with another CPR and First Aid class today. My team and I did the math and by the end of Friday we will have certified approximately 90 employees. We’re already close to burn out but we’ll have a two-week break to recoup. In the meantime, there is still a lot more training to do. We’ve got a small group of new employees starting and existing employees to recertify in other areas before the school year starts too.

At least it’s starting to get a little easier and a little less nerve-wracking. I’m finding my groove and by the end of the summer I’ll be well past my own requirements to keep my instructor certification. I can’t believe I ever doubted myself. I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for.

I’m back home now and struggling to do anything that feels productive. This after work fatigue is forcing some serious limitations on my goals and putting me in a really negative mood. I’m frustrated and disappointed, but I’m trying not to take it out on myself. I need the rest more than I need the check marks on my to-do list, but I had really been looking forward to the satisfaction.