339 // I Don’t Want to Go Back

This morning is adhering a lot closer to plan than the last few have. I’m up before the sun, my favorite time of day as long as I get to spend it sipping coffee and reading in bed next to a sunny window rather than stumbling through the beginning of the workday routine, and from here things are only looking up. I have nowhere to be and nothing much at all I have to do.

These days, these not quite work days but not quite weekends, are quickly becoming a large source of peace and fulfillment for me. I’m concerned about how hard it’s going to be to return to a full-time work schedule after the turn of the new year, and even more so after the corona virus vaccine becomes widely available and distributed.

The pandemic has really put into focus what matters, and at the top of that list is time. It’s become clear how much of it I have been giving up, how much we’ve all been giving up. Forty hours—and often more!—a week spent doing what? I love my job, but it isn’t for me. I don’t do it because I love it; I do it to survive.

I have to give up my life in order to live? It’s all so contradictory, depressing, and, the longer the pandemic wears on, infuriating.

I want the pandemic to end, but I do hope life doesn’t just go back to normal after it’s safe to leave our homes and be within six feet of each other again. I don’t want to go back to working so many hours a week. I don’t want to go back to feeling guilty for staying home when I’m sick. I don’t want to go back to long meetings, and crowded offices, and impossible expectations.

Sadly, I suspect everything in the workplace will go back to the way it was and faster than I can adjust physically or emotionally. People are just too happy with what is familiar even if a little change, uncomfortable adjustment, and imagination is all it takes to give a world with a little more balance, peace, and, most importantly, time.

I was feeling much better than yesterday when I woke up this morning. I was able to make it into work on time and ready to get back to it. I had energy. I wasn’t in pain. I did my best work. I laughed. I nearly forgot I was sick until after lunch when all my symptoms returned, with a vengeance.

I did get ahold of my doctor though. Thank God for her! She’s already ordered more lab tests and as long as they come back negative for infections than I will have a new prescription by tomorrow afternoon and some relief—hopefully!—by next Monday! There is light at the end of this hellish tunnel I just can’t tell how far away the light is, that’s all.

Soon I’ll get back to being me. I can’t believe I took it for granted, again. Never, never, never again. This time I will not let myself slip into such gross complacency. I will be me again for as long as I can, again. I promise.