358 // How Little Time

The year’s end is closing in faster than I realized, and it only just today hit me how little time I have to prepare.

I’ve always been weary of setting up any New Year’s resolutions for myself. Part of me thinks it’s pointless not because resolving to change, do better, end or begin new habits or believing in fresh starts, clean slates, or new beginnings is pointless, but because the date we choose to do so is so arbitrary.

Of course any of us can change or begin again every day and we can try again whenever we fail, but by March we’ll all have given up and it’ll be another nine months at least before we reflect and resolve again.

So, I don’t really believe that January 1st holds some mystical power or that my resolutions will fare any better just because the calendar year has changed over but I still make my list anyway and I still hope a new version of myself will emerge, the one I have wanted to be since the last time my resolutions failed.

I tend to think of resolution setting as a numbers game, setting up an impossible number of intentions knowing that although many of them will fall by the wayside or end up on the back burner there will necessarily, by fact of volume, be one or two come next December 31st that I can count as successes.

It’s been a slow and painful year but I have been strong—we all have—and I’ve met another side of myself, many sides if I’m honest, that I never knew existed. Some versions I liked, some not so much, but all I have accepted. Each aspect was given space, and each provided valuable insight in turn.

I’d love to take what I’ve learned and make the next year one of even greater endurance and resilience. I’d like to focus on self-care and in more areas than just emotional and physical. I’d like to find ways to care for my social, spiritual, financial, professional, and personal life.

I’m resolving in general to take a more well-rounded approach to my well-being going forward and through pre-planning, recording and reflecting, boundary setting, and all the willpower I can summon, 2021 will be a much better year.

I’ve gotten up before the sunrise without an alarm or threat of a work every morning since last Friday now. I miss the feeling of luxury that comes with sleeping in but having the house to myself and a few extra hours to create in have been really nice too.

It’s Christmas Eve today and even though I was able to muster up the holiday spirit just in time, holding on to it is proving difficult. I’m just so tired and still dealing with the pain and frustration of chronic illness. At least I will get some time to rest before our celebrations begin later. I’m hoping that through enough medication, napping, and caffeine I’ll be able to hold on to all that cheer through the next couple of days.


My wife made a nice breakfast with homemade biscuits, eggs, and bacon. We watched a few Christmas movies and around midmorning fell asleep together with the dog and the cat on the couch. It’s been a long time since I’ve napped so peacefully. Another luxury.

We spent the evening with my in-laws eating too much Italian food and drinking too much wine. I broke my promise to myself and over did everything. My stomach has been protesting for hours. It was a good time though and I don’t regret a thing. I loved our gifts and I think our gifts for others were well liked and appreciated. I’m almost sad that the holiday is nearly over, almost. There was so much more I wanted to do and give, that’s all, though I supposed the time for doing and giving doesn’t have to end with Christmas, does it?