Tag: Journal

It’s a snow day!

It’s actually not snowing that much anymore but by the looks of things it was falling hard all night.

So, I have a whole day to myself and I’m conflicted as to how I should use it. On the one hand, I want to do nothing. Snow days are days that exist outside of time. They are perfectly packaged gifts of time that contains no expectations, no obligations, just hours and hours within which I can do nothing at all without guilt or shame.

On the other hand, they are days when I can be most productive. Snow days can be hours and hours of free time for all the things I wish I could be doing on days when I have work. I have pages of read to catch up on and posts to write here for National Blog Posting Month beginning in just two days.

Maybe it can a bit of both? Maybe I can write and watch T.V. or read and rest all at once. Maybe it doesn’t matter what I do. Maybe all that I have to do is be present and grateful.

They said it wouldn’t get bad until midmorning; they were wrong.

I left the house at 6:00 AM and it was already snowing. It’s 9:30 now and the snow is already over ankle deep. I’m hearing rumors that we may close the district early, something we very, very, very rarely do. It’s going to be chaotic.

Luckily, I’m far from dealing with that stress. I’m teaching the new class of employees instead. It’s actually going really well and I’m not doing it alone as I had feared. The weather may affect how much we can get through today and with a class this big, and all the questions being asked, and the nearly certain snow day tomorrow, the timeline may end up twice as long as we thought.

---

The rumors turned out to be true. We did what I never would have predicted, an early release. The snow has gotten worse since the morning and according to reports we’re far from the worst of it. I’m letting the new people go home now, for their safety, and I’m heading home too, for mine. Hopefully, I won’t be back until Thursday.

I didn’t let myself hope for a snow day but damn do I wish we had gotten it. Instead we’re on a “delayed schedule” this morning so while we’re picking up the kids later we had to be at work 20 minutes early. That means freezing and fighting with the snow for longer hours filled with more risk. I wish the powers that be understood that. Regular schedule or close the whole district down, please!

---

We got hit bad but most of it has melted by now. Tomorrow we’re supposed to get more of the same—cold, snow, icy roads, and dangerous traffic—but once again I have no hope for a snow day. The storm won’t be in until midmorning they say and by then we’ll be out on the road with the kids, and by afternoon, when it’s forecasted to be at it’s worst, we’ll be fighting nature to get them back home.

The weather, and the new class of employees I’m scheduled to teach, has me wound up tight. I’ve never done this before and there’s a chance I’ll be doing it all on my own.I’m freaking out. I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing, to give the wrong answer, and, worst of all, to have no answer to give at all.

Today was all the weekend that I had to myself and even in there was so much that I had to do. I hate having to do things, but, I also love all the parts of my life that make having to do things necessary. My home, my family, my work, my friends, my community, being alive, these are reasons to have to do things.

---

The snow is falling already but nothing is sticking so I’m not hoping for a snow day. Tomorrow will be miserable, and so will the rest of the week according to the forecast, I’ve resigned myself to that reality.

Sunday nights are hardest in the winter.

The sun is out, and it’s finally Friday! I feel like nothing at all can go wrong.

I like my job the best on Fridays because hardly anyone sticks around in the middle of the day since preschool isn’t running. It’s quiet and sometimes I even treat myself and order delivery for lunch. Today’s treat was a delicious “holy aioli” burger and a side of sweet potato fries from Dog Haus.

Tonight we’re taking my cousin out for an early birthday dinner and tomorrow we have to quit procrastinating and get our costumes ready for our friends Halloween party. I’m both looking forward to it all and dreading it too. I want to be the kind of person who has a social life but my body can’t keep up. I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.

It’s a frigid and snowy day today, the exact kind of day I hate. Of course the one day of the week winter decides to show up is the one where I have the busiest schedule and, of course, the very people who where supposed to help me stayed home. It might be a good thing though. I’ve always preferred the solo projects.

I’m just being crabby because I haven’t been able to do anything much for me and I know that this weekend will be busy too and now that I think about it next Monday feels awfully close already. The days are growing drab and mundane and nothing feels all that important or worth the effort. Everything is exhausting. Everything is at best an irritation and at worst a waste.

Let the seasonal depression begin.

Today is another easy day, and my mood is much improved from yesterday. It’s definitely a better day than yesterday. Time is moving along a lot faster and I’m much more inclined to speak to and even hold conversations with my coworkers. I’m not being as productive as I would like though.

But, there is a tradeoff between interacting with other people and working toward my goals. I can’t do both at once, but both are essential to my well being so how do I choose? I swing wildly between wanting to do one or the other and often regret whichever I end up doing. Perhaps that’s because I don’t know how to end one and switch to the other. I spend all day with others or alone, never half-and-half, never even a 90/10 split. It’s always all or the other.

Balance, boundaries, and having the courage to say no are all skills I have to strengthen.

I’m doing good this morning. I slept well and very little is being asked of me which means I can get a lot of small personal tasks out of the way and spend the afternoon on my larger goals. I’m feeling disciplined.

I’ve been practicing doing the “hard things” and it’s getting easier and easier. I’m getting better at focusing, writing, reading, and learning when all I want to do is nothing at all—in the mornings when I’m tired, when I’m hungry, when I wish things were different and that I was better.

As happy as I am with myself right now, my patience with other people is at an all-time low. Small talk is exhausting, irritating, wasteful. I have things to do and I resent others for diverting my attention or suggesting that there are other things I should be doing.

---

The day has been downhill since the morning. I’m home now and I’m so tired. I’m so I barely feel like myself. I’m empty, on the verge of tears, maybe. An unshakeable melancholy sits in my chest though I don’t know why. But I’m home now, thank god. Things are easier here with my wife, the dog, and the cat all willing to comfort and distract me from the day I have had.

Tomorrow I’ll be halfway there, thank god.

Monday’s are hard, this one was no exception. I went to bed far too late, took a long time to fall asleep, and woke up many times during the night. I woke up exhausted and stayed that way all day. There was not enough coffee in the world so i didn’t try. I stuck to myself and took it as easy as I could.

I read a lot, and caught up on old journal posts here. I plugged away at a few drafts and made a little bit of progress on Coursera. The day felt long but there still weren’t enough hours.

---

I’m home now and feeling a lot more present and motivated. I’m more like myself again. I took care of a few things I have been avoiding lately and cleared some mental space in preparation for tomorrow. I’m looking forward and trying like hell not to dwell on my shortcomings.

Little by little. Anything is better than nothing. Making progress, any progress, that is all that matters. That is what I am choosing to focus on.