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I’m feeling exhausted today but the worst of the week is over, I hope, and I am looking forward to more writing hours. Starting today I’m taking harsher measures to avoid distraction. No phone and no internet for 1 hour today. It’ll just be me and the blank screen and if I can’t be trusted even then, it’ll be me and the blank page instead.


Nothing is going the way I scheduled it to. I hoped for an easy midday and a peaceful lunch but the things other people want are getting in the way. So instead I have 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there in between people walking in to ask me questions, wanting me to do something, making loud comments, or simply wanting to visit.

But all those five minutes here and five minutes there might add up if I could keep in the back of my mind what I’m trying to do and where I am trying to go before they slip away.

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Found this collage piece from one of my favorite artists, preschooldr0pout, just after writing my last journal post and thought I’d add it here as a reminder. I don’t believe in astrology but I am an Aries and this piece definitely resonated with me and what I’ve been going through.

I’m also suddenly inspired to take up creating cut-and-paste word art collages again as a means of mediation and self-expression.

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Lately, I have been feeling like nothing is within my control. Not the way I spend my time, not my moods, not when I can eat, where I can go, not even my finances. I feel like I’m being blown here and there by everyone around me from happiness to anger to loneliness to frustration to excitement to hopelessness and back to happiness again without warning and without a way out or up for air.

I guess that is why the choices I have been making—when I can make choices—seem to always be wrong or detrimental in some way. I don’t choose to eat when I should. I don’t choose to sleep when I should. I don’t choose to write or read when I can. I don’t choose to express my feeling in constructive ways and I don’t choose to be brave when I have the chance.

Perhaps doing what I’m not supposed to do or what others expect me not to do feels like the only thing I can control but I know the things I am doing aren’t really what I want.

I want to learn how to let go of what I can’t choose and to focus more on choosing the right things. I don’t want this illusion of control that’s really nothing more than weakness and spite. I want to choose to be focused, hardworking, and strong in every instance where the choice is up to me.

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For the first day back to school, today actually went surprisingly well, though that did not make it a good day by a long shot. It’s okay though. I’m home now with my wife, my dog, a plate full of hot wings and a cold beer and not at all willing to rehash the day’s frustrations or disappointments here. I’m just too tired and my mood is quite fragile. I’m trying to be grateful and to enjoy the time I have that belongs to me before it’s time to head to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. 

It’s going to be a long week.

It’s going to be a long year.

*sigh*

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Today I was a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good aunt too. It’s rare I am even one of these most days—or maybe it’s only rare I ever feel like I am—but today I got to be good in all the ways I’m always struggling to be good. Today I not only felt loved and admired but I felt deserving of love and admiration.

For the moment I don’t desire to be anyone else.

If We Were Having Coffee // A New Year with New Responsibilities

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I managed to drag myself out of bed earlier than usual for a Sunday morning and I’ve made it from the bed to the kitchen for coffee, but not much further, mentally or physically. It was a late night and fatigue has been kicking my ass lately, but I wasted so much of yesterday snoozing on the couch that I simply cannot give over any more of my time to sleep. So, I’m up, watching the colors of the cloudy sunrise change through the windows and enjoying my first of many cups of coffee in the hopes that my mind and body will come online soon.

So, please, before my tired brain and bones give out on me again, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The clouds and the warning of rain are putting me in the mood for a hot cuppa but the process requires more energy than I can give, what a catch-22. So, it’s strong 24-hour cold brew over ice with a generous pour of vanilla almond milk instead. It’s not as satisfying, but it gets the job done. Let’s talk about last week!

“The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportional to the quantity of coffee he drank.”

— Sir James MacKintosh


If we were having coffee, I would tell you it was yet another stressful week over here and, to be honest, half of that stress was knowing that the coming weeks are only going to go on getting worse!

It’s been years now that we have been struggling with employee shortages and though management assured us they would remedy the problem it seems things have only gotten worse. I think we are at a critical level now where there are so few people working that the work can no longer get done. We are at a point where band-aids like extra hours, overtime, promises, and speeches about teamwork are no longer motivating or inspiring people and we don’t know how to fix it. We don’t know how to turn it around. I feel in my bones what the problem is but I can find the words to express it, let alone follow it to a solution.

So, come tomorrow we are going to fail our best I guess. We’re going to lean on the ones who are left and I hope through the failure we can at least be kind to one another. Tempers have been short and when they flare light at the end of this stressful tunnel falls farther away.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that married life continues to be absolute bliss!

There have been a few wedding-related hiccups since. We still have wedding decor items strewn about the house and we have wedding decor items we still cannot locate. This weekend we were supposed to send out thank you cards but we haven’t been able to settle on a photo or a card style. Whenever she is ready to look I am too tired or overwhelmed to choose and when I am ready, she is usually busy.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it but we haven’t even mailed back our marriage certificate yet! It will go out this week and the thank you cards will be ordered too. We are both chronic procrastinators—always have been and always will be. Our personal life and projects are always on the back burner waiting for a time of less stress or more energy, but that time just isn’t coming and we have to make the time when we have energy not just for things like this but for one another too.

I’ll post more pictures soon but I know some of you have been waiting a long while now so here is a sneak peek from my photographer.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though all around me at work there was chaos, in my own small tasks and scope there was much calm and certainty.

After weeks of worry and going through bidding, I was finally awarded the same route I’ve had for the last two years. I only have two new kids and though I’ve only met them just the once to transport them to their 9th-grade orientation, they seem like good kids. I still have a full bus load but all the others I already know from the year before and expect that any problems I encountered last year will have only improved as the students mature.

Tomorrow I will have them all together on the bus for the first day of the new school year. The new kids, and all the old kids who do not yet know that my driver and I will get to see be with them for another year. I’m excited to see their faces and to learn what they have been up to these last few months. Many of the ones I have been with for years already will be graduating this coming year and it’s quite a special thing to see them through the last of their childhood. I feel almost honored to be among the last people they will know in the district and among the faces, they will remember for the rest of their lives.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had hoped to hit the ground running with my reading and goals as the new school year began but this past week was so chaotic that I had no energy nor mental space left for new words but I know that will change soon…just not this week either though,

The first two days of this week I have some very important and very time-consuming training to do and Wednesday through the rest of the week I have some small tasks but that will probably change.

Last week a coworker of mine spoke with my boss and between them decided to revamp his position and title and mine by extension without my permission. It doesn’t look like a lot will change, yet, but there is a strong possibility everything will change. I may be taken off of my route. I may be given new responsibilities, new hours, and a new set of expectations. As you can imagine, the worst-case scenarios are already playing on a loop inside my head.

That isn’t to say I am not interested in where this new role may take me, but I am a bit peeved I was pulled from my comfort zone without my permission. Then again, that isn’t quite true. I am not powerless and if I so choose nothing would change for me at all. I will have to take it all one step at a time and hold tight to my courage. I’ll have to speak up for myself and learn to let go of what I think others might want from me.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sunset a long time ago and I have long switched from coffee to hard cider. It’s getting late and the sweet smell of rain coming through the west windows on the summer evening breeze is lulling me to bed.

I hope you had a good week. I hope the summer’s end still feels a long way off for you. I hope that you have managed to get out, get away, and focus on you and your own path for a change. I hope you are taking care of yourself, and that you and yours are, and continue to stay safe.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Farsai Chaikulngamdee on Unsplash

 

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I think I will do nothing at all today and deal with my come tomorrow. I haven’t been sleeping well again and my body is hurting this morning. I could sleep here on this couch for at least another half a day easily, and I think I just might.

Sorry not sorry.