349 // A Place to Return To

I’ve noticed lately that no matter what I think my workday will look like, it almost never turns out that way. Things come up, things get rescheduled, things get remembered. I’ve had to change course and shift my thinking quite a few times, but practicing acceptance is helping me cultivate flexibility. It’s getting easier. I’m feeling happier.

I haven’t given up on schedule. I still use my calendar and will continue to do so regardless of the chaos. The schedule helps me stay on track, and if I lose my way, it provides a place to return to.

We’re staying inside today in anticipation of high winds and weird weather. This morning a cold front blew in so fast I was able to watch it happen. Dark brown and grey clouds raced overhead toward the just rising sun, turning their tops bright red. On the ground, debris swirled through intersections and plastic bags took flight. The scene felt dystopian, and a strange feeling of dread settled in. I needed to get indoors.

Work-wise things are calm. I’m doing my best to keep my calendar light through the rest of the week as I ready myself for the two-week break. Planning for planning, I suppose. It’s easy since I’m good at disappearing. Even while standing in a room full of people, no one sees me. Some days it hurts, but some days it can be to my advantage.

I can observe, and I can think, two of my favorite past times—two of my greatest strengths. I wish everyone had time in which they could retreat into themselves. I wish everyone liked themselves enough to do so. When people can’t stand the space inside their own minds, they won’t allow others to pull back either for fear they may be left alone to contend with reality. It’s ok, I promise. Try a few moments of it.

Microdose the void.

Build a tolerance to existence.


Today was a gloriously long day. Usually Sundays fly by. I usually get up too late, have too much to do, and spend too much time dreading the work week to come, but this Sunday was the opposite of all that.

I got up early and stayed active and mindful for most of the day. I got all the cleaning things done before dinner and made time for blog things and for listening to podcasts too. I debated taking a nap, but I didn’t want to lose this good feeling. Naps can go either way, you know? They can make you feel better or worse and since I felt so good I knew chances were high I’d wake up grouchy, groggy, and most likely hungry and suffering from a headache. So I stayed up and did more stuff instead and now the house looks, feels, and smells wonderful and I feel good about myself.

It’s hard to say what has changed in me exactly but last night, after my wife woke me from the couch to put me to bed and before I drifted off to sleep again, I had a good cry over everything that has been going on.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say and feeling weak and pitiful. I want very badly to feel strong again and I want to learn to cope better until then. I lamented to my wife about all of this and she simply reminded me that what I am going through is actually pretty serious and that everything I feel is perfectly reasonable. That broke my in the best way possible and, I believe, gave me a more accepting perspective on the situation.

I’m doing just fine, great actually, and that’s all I need to feel or focus on right now.