004 // I Am Not Mine

I’m working on learning how to do the things I don’t much like doing.

Every day we are all expected to do things we don’t want to do. We have to make a living. We have to feed, clothe and care for loved ones. We have to live in a society. Every day we are all expected to look like and behave as if we are someone else entirely from who we are with entirely different wants and needs than we have.

More often than not it’s for the best, but more often than I realized before the pandemic, it’s at the expense of my mental and physical health. Still, the world is what it is and there is only so much boundary setting and advocating I can do against capitalism and culture. These hours aren’t mine. I am not mine.

Not a lot of the time anyway, but looking back at the way I used to complain and struggle, I wonder if it might be easier to just give up and give in. Sometimes the fastest way out of doing something boring, uncomfortable, undesirable or difficult is to simply do it and be done with it. Sometimes in trying to change something, you only manage to prolong your pain and stroke your anger.

Each of us, it seems, has to find our compromise with the world.

004//366

I woke up early to do some small things around the house and start some writing thinking I would be spending much of the day downtown at The Museum of Contemporary Art, but about an hour into the day, just as the sun beginning to rise, I changed my mind. The enthusiasm just wasn’t there.

I decided that, rather than venturing out into the world to fight the people, and the weather, and my own stupid anxiety, I would spend the day taking care of me instead.

So, I went to the pharmacy for my medication. I did my work out. I took a nice long shower and washed my hair. I listened to an amazing podcast. I changed my blog theme. I did a little writing, and I then collapsed on the couch to binge-watch Fleabag with my wife.

And I think I’ll stay like this for the rest of the night. I’m sore from the workout and exhausted from the shower. I have my laptop, my book, and my journal here, and there isn’t much more I’d like to do or anywhere else that feels more fulfilling to be.