113 // A New Battle to Fight

It’s a strange morning. I’m working from a different location and the change in schedule is sending my anxiety levels sky high. I’m proud of the work I’ve done and the coping skills I’ve learned to calm and care for myself. I validate my thoughts and fears. I give myself space to feel. I can sit with the feeling without being overwhelmed. I can leap into action to put in place plans to ease my mind.

It didn’t used to be this easy. It still isn’t but I can see now that it gets easier every day. Maybe this is what they mean when they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Each fear, each failure, leads to a new insight, and each insight leads to a new strategy, a new way to win against yourself. I just wish there wasn’t always a new battle to fight.

I read a great post over on Brevity this morning, and it’s got me feeling inspired to write again. It’s started with these little journal entries and some reviews and personal essay drafts I’ve begun in the last few weeks. I have a list of posts on Are.na where I can collect quotes and webpages. I have everything started, but that’s all I’ve got, a start.

But I’d like to try the actual writing part again. I’d like to simply schedule time to sit down for an hour a day (three or four over the weekend) and plug away at them one post after another. No talking, no cleaning, no social media, nothing but writing. I have the time, all I need is the discipline.

And like the post said, “I’m slow and it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. I can do this.” There are no other goals or expectations to meet. There is no one I have to be better than. There is no one to impress. The goal is only to write until the time is up, no matter the subject or the pace or the skill level I’m at.


The late nights are starting to get to me. I’m waking up late again and my head is full of fog all day long. I took the first nap I’ve had in weeks today completely unintentionally. I was out for over an hour and I didn’t feel much better when I woke up. I’ve decided to impose old bedtime rules again as if I were working and to get back to waking up on time. It’s good for my health and productivity but it’s also in preparation of my planned return to work in a couple of weeks.

Despite the fatigue I somehow felt up to doing some cleaning and working on a Coursera writing assignment that has been plaguing me since last Monday. It’s just not possible for me to meet all the requirements of the prompt but today I realized that writing about how something doesn’t apply to you counts as writing about it and I also realized that if some aspect of the assignment doesn’t apply to me then that’s ok. It’s only me that that I have anything to prove to and if I know I did my best then as far as I’m concerned all requirements were met.

It might be a silly, insignificant online course, but you get out of anything what you put in, right?