130 // Barely Getting By

Well, this Spring is continuing to bring more clouds and cold than sun or shine, and with it I’m continuing my trend of reclusivity and introspection.

I’m over these clouds and I’m over these pensive swings but rather than wishing for other weather or lighter moods, I’m planning on taking advantage of the ease with which words have been coming to me and spend my time in quiet focus.

The office is empty, and expectations of productivity are low. I’m grateful for the peace but it still doesn’t compare to being at home, cozy in bed, listening to the rain wash down the windows while I read a good book and sip a cup of strong coffee.

There clearly wasn’t enough weekend for me to do all the nothing I wanted because all I can think about now is the nothing I want to do the first chance I get but I expect that freedom won’t come until at least this coming Saturday morning. I’m imposing no expectations of rising early, writing, or working on anything at all. As good as moving through the tasks and to-dos feels, I think a day of doing nothing at all is long, long, long, overdue.

Until then, I’m simply putting one foot in front of the other. I’m breathing and barely getting by with the bare minimum. I’m surviving. I’m warning all my coworkers and loved ones alike—expect a complete lack of enthusiasm and eruptions of fiercely anti-social behaviors through the end of the day with relapses probable through the end of the week.

Sorry, not sorry.

130//366

I got out for another morning walk. The more I get out there the easier and easier it is to find the willpower. It was especially chilly out there and I was very tempted to turn back after half a block but I made it the whole two miles and before I was halfway through the sun was out and I was warmed up. When I got back in I felt really good. Proud, energetic, and optimistic, but things changed pretty fast.

By midmorning I wasn’t feeling so great. There’s a possibility I’m having a flare up my ulcerative colitis symptoms and I’ve been spiralling ever since. I’m not sure what could be causing it, but I have a feeling it’s the increased physical activity. Stress is a triggering factor and exercise I suppose is a kind of stress on the body.

It doesn’t really matter though. The issue is more emotional than physical right now. It took me months and multiple medications to get the last flare under control. I was in pain, and often house bound. I do not want to go through that again. Not to mention each flare seems to be worse than the last. The next flare could mean drastic changes to my medication and care regimen. It could mean hospitalization or surgery.

But I’m getting ahead of myself and doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing right now. I’m stressing myself out over unknowns and giving my immune system all the more reason to attack. So, after tonight, I have to relax. I have to rest, eat right, meditate, and think happy and hopeful thoughts only.

I have to play the wait and see game for a few days and sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do. The second hardest is admitting you need help. Admitting you have to take a step back, again, and that there progress you’ve made had been undone and now your health depends on whether or not you have the strength to face that.

But even that acceptance is a week away at least. For now, I’ll be watchful, caring, and gentle with myself for some time.