Yesterday I wondered over creating space between myself and the emotions and actions of others, I meant it metaphorically but today I am manifesting it literally. I’m staying home and enjoying some much wanted if not much needed time alone.
It’s not just that though. I’m having that heavy exhausted feeling again, that fatigue that gets into the bones and won’t leave no matter how much sleep you get or caffeine you guzzle. I’ve had to take two naps and make two carafes of coffee in the French press and I’m only just now feeling somewhat myself again.
I had hoped to spend the day half cleaning, half writing, but neither of those were possible in significant amounts. I did get a lot of reading done though, almost half my goal for the week already! I’m proud of that at least and that goes a long way (in addition to the rest) toward making me feel a little more prepared to return to the real world tomorrow.
Winter has returned today and we are seeing the first snowfall in nearly a month. It isn’t much, but it ended the chance of a rare “precipitation-less January”. I normally hate snow, I still hate snow, but having not seen it in so long and worried over why it’s been gone and what the consequences of its absence will be, makes this snow fall a little more welcome, peaceful, and beautiful than most.
It’s strange to have a Monday turn out better than the Friday that proceeded it but this week is definitely beginning on a better note than the last one ended. For one some of my favorite coworkers are back, and for two, I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin, a lot more secure, and a lot less anxious and afraid.
I’m still feeing very “burned-out” though but more and more I think it’s people and not my actual job duties that are pushing me over the edge. I have to find a way to maintain my inner peace even in the face of frustration, negativity, and sabotage. When I step back, I can see that none of the people who I’ve allowed to impact my mood have any real impact on my life, my duties, or my dreams, so why do they affect me so?
And how do I begin to establish a sense of space and time between the emotions of others and mine, the actions of others and mine?
It’s another lazy day here but not quite as lazy as yesterday. I’m up and about the housecleaning and preparing for the week. Coffee has been a big help, as always, and knowing that tonight’s dinner is already bubbling away in the crock-pot, and laundry is just three short loads from finish is giving me sense of peace I struggle to find most Sundays.
Still, as well as things are going, I wish this weekend were another long one like the last. Three days away from work are perfect. A day for family, friends, and fun, a day for all the things you have to do like cleaning and errands, and a day for you to have all your own. This feels like the way life should be and anything less feels like a robbery. Think of it, what one more day a week to call your own could mean. Think of it, how much life capitalism, corporation, and competition have stolen.
The sky is clear and the weather is warming up but for despite my desperate need for fresh air and sunshine I’m just too tired to make it out of the house today. I need a day to do nothing. I want to stay in bed. I was to wear my pajamas until it’s time to change into new pajamas. I want to tune out and forget responsibilty, obligation, “have to”, and “should. I’m not looking at my to-do list or my calendar, hell, I’m not even looking at social media. I don’t want to see anyone’s else’s activities, accomplishments, or motivational reminders.
Today is still a good day though. I’m not feeling depressed or down, just a little burned out and, honestly, I just miss my wife.
Sometimes I get too caught up in my day job and I’m too protective of the time I can claim for myself, and she does the same and we forget or take for granted that time needs to be made for us too. When we forget for too long my body lets me know. Every once in a while I’m stuck by an intense loneliness that is specific to her. It’s a pain that can only be soothed by being near her and knowing I am seen and loved.
That is what today is for and I know it’s ore important than anything else I could make or check off of a list.
This has been the longest short week ever and even though I’m so happy to have made it through to Friday and even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel growing brighter by the minute, I know that this day is going to be a hard one to get through. All my favorite coworkers are out, the ones who make me laugh, the ones who have my back and I’m left feeling a little lost and overwhelmed.
Today was just as hard as I knew it would be. I feel overworked and worn thin. I feel empty and on the verge of tears and I feel angry at myself for being so weak. It shouldn’t be so hard to just work the same as everyone else. Of course, I have to remember I’m working at a deficit in body and in mind, and in addition, I’ve had to give up what little energy and focus I have to things I don’t love with my whole heart. Doing that, day after day eats at the soul.
It’s date night tonight! I finally made it out of work and I’m rushing home now so I can quickly change my clothes and head right back out the door. I need a night of good food, a stiff drink, and some time away with my wife. We’re heading to our favorite movie theater for a showing of Jojo Rabbit, a film she’s been pressing to see but I one have doubts about, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll just be happy to be anywhere at all with her.
Update: She was right, Jojo Rabbit is an amazing film and we should have seen it months ago!
As predicted, another poor night’s sleep has me dragging my feet and snapping at everyone around me. I wish I could do us all a favor and isolate myself but with all the work I have on my plate through next Monday at least I have no choice but to subject all of us to my unpredictable moods.
Coffee is helping and there have been moments of peace I can lose myself into and come out again like the Lisa they all no and love, it’s just that she can’t stay very long.
I have to get back on track with my workout. I really think that will solve so much of my problems with sleep and energy. I’m like a dog wound up too tight with nervous energy. I need to exhaust myself every day to keep those little worries from getting stuck in my head. They get stuck in my head like bits of songs and play on a loop for hours growing louder and louder until my alarm goes off and it’s time to start another day.
Thankfully, the weather is already beginning to warm and this feeling of being cooped up, of boredom and restlessness will pass. Every once in a while I swear I catch the scent of spring in the air. Early yesterday morning it was rain. This afternoon I smelled flowers. Soon nature will return and, in turn, welcome us back to the world with promises of breathtaking beauty and adventure. I cannot wait to be rid of this winter and of who I am in it.
A decent night’s sleep had turned everything around. Now I just need a few more nights in a row like it and I should be back to my old self. My hopes aren’t that high though. I never sleep well more than a night or two at once. I suspect tonight my mind will be back up to it’s old tricks and by tomorrow I’ll be my old lethargic self.
But for now, I feel good. I’m in the mood for work, for people, for trying hard and making progress. Unfortunately, my return to sociability has made painfully clear that my poor mood and lack of patience over the course of the last couple of weeks has burned a few bridges, but that’s okay, they weren’t ones I was eager to cross back over any way. What I care to repair I will and to be honest I only care to repair relationships with people who understand and need no explanations or apology, anyway.
And maybe the time for making up and making things right isn’t while I’m still in the middle of trying to get well, to get off my medication, and to just make it through each day with my self worth and enthusiasm for life intact.