035//366

It snowed all day yesterday and throughout the night last night but the weekend was so warm that most of it melted as soon as it hit the ground. Still, there was just enough to put us on delayed schedule and make a mess of the whole day. I wish the powers that be would simply leave it alone or give us a snow day. Either is better than this. Luckily, I won’t have to deal with it since I’m inside with the class but I still think it’s the worst way to start the week.

But, considering the snow and the chaos of the delayed start, things are actually going pretty smoothly for me and the class. We have some strong personalities in this one and it’s gotten me thinking about how many people I meet a year because I am a trainer and wondering how much each encounter has influenced me. It’s like realizing how much influence your gut biome has on your mood or food cravings.

Who we all are is in part determined by those around us. How much of who I am is made up of from intimate week or two-week training sessions I’ve done over the course of 10 years or more? And, in turn, how much of me is in all those hundreds of people too?

034//366

It’s the last day I’ll have with breaks and a guaranteed lunch hour. Tomorrow the new class starts and I’m beyond anxious over it. Last night I kept waking up from dreams where the class was too big or too unfocused to teach and I had to keep reminding myself there was no need to worry yet, I had another day before the new employees begin, anyway.

I know tonight will be more of the same. Even though I know I’m good at what I do and that I have a ton of knowledge and patience to get them through the training and out onto the buses it still never seems to get easier. Public speaking is hard. Being in charge is hard. Doing things that matter is hard.

At the same time I’m excited. I like teaching people how to do what I do and I enjoy taking our small slice of the education system and making it the very best I can. After every class I get new ideas and by the time the next has started corrections and improvements have been made. This week we have changed some of the outdated (and borderline offensive) wording of the old PowerPoints and added new wheelchair crash test videos to drive home the importance of safety.

I’m brainstorming some ideas for a slide or three to start our diversity training. Eventually I’d like that to be a day of training all itself but I’m not knowledgeable enough myself but I have a mentor in mind if she’s up to taking me on. So, I’m excited not just to teach but to learn too. To make them better and to make myself better too.

033//366

I’m stuck in the house again. Yesterday, in an effort to feel useful, I carried boxes of tile from the car by myself and must have over worked a muscle I didn’t even know I had and now getting out of bed has become difficult and painful and leaving the house feels far from worth the suffering it will cause.

The weather is even better than yesterday and part of me is feeling really down about being inside. I’m trying to remember there are going to be many more warm days to come and plenty of chances for me to soak up the sun and see the world.

In the meantime I’m spending the day in the “creativity room” working on a new cutout poem this morning before moving into the kitchen later to meal prep and clean. Laundry was started yesterday and the groceries are already bought and brought home. It’s unusual to have to little that I have to do on a Sunday. I think I’ll make a habit out of this.

032//366

Well, I had hoped to spend the day downtown browsing exhibits at the Museum of Contemporary Art but I have so little physical or emotional energy that leaving the house doesn’t even sound enjoyable anymore. The weather is gorgeous and I have all the windows in the house open.

It’s been a long time since the place has been aired out. It’s been a long time since I have felt “aired out” too. We’re far from spring but that is where my mind is and where my heart longs to be. Today, even though I’m stuck inside, that is where I will pretend to be.

I’ve decided to simply rest today. I’ve given myself permission to waste time. I’m laying on the couch, eating nothing but snacks, reading nothing, writing nothing, and allowing myself all the screens and scrolling I want. I think one day here and there to indulge in all those things I’m trying so hard not to do every other day is important. One ultimate cheat day a month will keep me focused and keep my will power strong.

031//366

The end of the week, and the end of the month, has finally arrived. I have mixed feelings about both. January is probably the farthest from being my favorite month but the older I get the more I want to slow it all down, even the most miserable of months.

But today I’m eager to get to the end. I’m eager to see 5:00, to leave work, and to see my wife. It’s date night. We’re going to the movies, of course, to see Parasite, finally. I hope it will be as good as critics say. I hope the hype is real and I will love it as much as media says I will. It seems like my kind of film: slow building, a little weird, a little disturbing, and open to all kinds of interpretation.

I’m eager to see the rest of the weekend too. The weather this weekend promises to be beautiful and I have every intention of getting out to soak it up before the snow forecasted to hit by midday Monday.

030//366

I spent the day getting ready for next week. Turns out I’m not going to have the week of rest and recuperation I thought I was going to have and that I know I so desperately need. I’m preparing paperwork and preparing myself emotionally too. If I’m honest it’s frustrating but at the same time it’s forcing me to focus on the time I have now and to do what makes me feel good today.

I’m reading a lot and I’m enjoying it for a change. Lately reading has been a chore, a race, a goal and milestone I have to achieve. I read to say I have been reading and not for the pure enjoyment of it. I’m keeping track of pages read and pushing myself to get through just 20 more, 10 more, 2 more and I can stop. It’s been a long time since I just got lost in the story. I want to get back to that again. I’m getting lost in a book today. No time limits, no page goals, just reading while it feels good and stopping when it no longer does.

029//366

Life is feeling somewhat back to normal today. My favorite coworkers are back, the class of new employees is being released, and for the next few days nothing “above and beyond” will be asked of me.

Everyone is sick and I’m a little scared of catching this flu or infection going around. Whatever it is it appears to be highly contagious. It escalates quickly and impacts the body severely. A lot of my coworkers look like zombies: pale, sluggish, and devoid of rationality. For my part I’m keeping the office clean, keeping my distance, and drinking Emergen-c religiously. The last thing I need right now is another nasty cold as I’m weaning off of one medication and about to begin another.

I am trying to write but I’m feeling stuck, passionless, and empty. The words won’t come and they are hidden so well I don’t even know in which direction to begin my search. No amount of promises or punishment is working and I’m already out of coffee so I’m giving up for now. I’ve written this, and that is better than nothing. Time to switch to reading. Love in the Time of Cholera is getting better and I’m excited to start Aphorisms on Love and Hate by Friedrich Nietzsche today. I should get through as many pages as I can while the enthusiasm lasts.