Tag: 2020

It is still surprising how just 4 hours back at work can exhaust me not just mentally but physically. Almost every day this week I have needed to nap for over an hour after returning home. I really hope it will start getting easier soon. I’m losing a lot of time I could be using to read, or write, or listen to podcasts, or even clean my house, all the things I have been doing since the quarantine began. I’d like to make time for them still, even that time must be greatly reduced.

At least I’ve been keeping up with the evening walks around the neighborhood. Even when I don’t think I’m in the mood or when I don’t think I have the energy, within minutes of getting out there I feel good. I never regret it. I wish I was seeing some difference in the way I feel or my weight on the scale but it seems no matter how much more I move I still seem to gain.

Starting next week I’m going to move our old elliptical machine into the garage and track my meals, snacks, water, and coffee intake. There is a disconnect somewhere and I mean to find it and start making some progress.

It’s a question of less and more, I am sure. Less of the bad options and more exercise. Less excuses and more willpower. Less letting my emotions control my consumptions and more mindfulness in every meal and movement.

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Mid-week means something again. It’s my second day back at work and I’m already looking forward to the upcoming long weekend. Not because today was a bad day. Quite the opposite, actually.

Early in the day two of my coworkers and I took a short break for a small grocery run at Walmart. We ended up finding exactly three bottles of hand sanitizer. Later our boss told us she’d just come from Target where Clorox wipes had just been put on the shelves. She gave us all permission to leave then and there to get some. I haven’t been able to buy either product in months. Today felt not just good, but lucky.

Work was easy enough. I’m largely being left alone to do the projects I’ve tasked myself with. No one is worried or bothered by me. I’m still feeling a little off from my infusion yesterday but on the whole I’m much, much better. It’s just that being out and being around people is still a lot. Even at the infusion center yesterday, I felt withdrawn and irritable by the people around me. I wanted to be left alone.

I wonder if the anti-social change will be permanent. I suspect not, but I don’t see the scar healing over completely. This experience will change us all, and social interaction might not ever be the same.

I’ve noticed I get angry at people who are not following guidelines for masks or social distancing in public. I glared at a man in the home improvement store yesterday who didn’t wear a mask and I felt almost disgusted seeing coworkers hugging. I don’t mean to be so harsh and I am actively weighing and adjusting my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs toward others as needed.

I don’t know what is the right level of anger or what kind of social consequences there should be. I know that I can understand why people do the things they do and I also know that this is new for everyone and quite hard to get used too. I’m trying to be patient and forgiving of the defiance and the disregard, but it is not easy.

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Went into work.for the first time sense early March. So much has happened and changed since then. Not just the spreading of the virus and the lockdown orders and reopening guidelines, but also with me personally and my relationship to my coworkers and to work as a whole.

The day went much more smoothly than I worried it would. Wearing a mask for four hours is pretty awful and staying six feet apart isn’t as easy as I hoped it would be, but it wasn’t so bad that I felt anxious or frustrated. It will take some practice and some getting used to too.

The day before the district shut down I was promoted, so this was also my first day in my new role. Surprisingly, and quite comfortingly, not much seems to have changed between me and my coworkers. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean, I was always respected for my work and all that had ever been missing was the title and the compensation. Finally, everything has fallen into place and work feels more right than ever.

I only stayed for four hours but it exhausted me to be there even a short time. I’m not used to being out of the house for so long or to being around so many people. I was home by lunch, and shortly after I was napping on the couch. I lost hours trying to recover from all the new social interactions and I still don’t feel quite myself yet.

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Today is the first Sunday in months that feels like a real Sunday. I’m thinking more about work than I am about the freedom and the goals I had for today.

I’m trying to remember all the goals and joys I had at work. I’m trying to remember who I was two months ago when life was put on hold. I’ve changed a little since then I think. I’ve grown in ways I am only begining to become aware of. This time alone, this loneliness, these hours outside of time where I could belong to myself as fully as any human can hope for, have shown me something I never would have seen, who I and and what kind of life is like to have.

My job is a good one as far as jobs go but it’s not how I’d like to spend my life. I’m not sure what that means, if I could or want to even change it, but it’s s feeling I can’t shake and a fact I cannot unlearn about myself. The future is more uncertain than I can even begin to comprehend right now.

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Another lazy day. It’s okay. I feel fine both emotionally and physically. There is a little guilt, a little panic, and a little excitement bubbling below the surface. Next week life begins again, and I am mentally and emotionally freaking out. It’s not so much the work or the people but the changes, the new way of operating and the etiquette that I’m nervous about.

A lot of my anxiety is social. I do not like when I either have to meet new people, or meet people in a new setting, or when for any reason the social norms or expectations are ambiguous.

I’m afraid, I guess, of looking stupid, of offending, of not being liked. It sounds dumb, but in the time of Covid-19 there are expectations about masks, about how close to stand, and about cleaning and hygiene. There are offences over your level of concern or belief about the virus, its origins, and the government’s response.

There is, for people who over think the details most never even notice, a lot to think about and navigate.

I comfort myself by remembering that no one knows how to act or react right now. There is no right or wrong, just whether you care and are willing to correct or stubbornness and recklessness. I do care and I am willing so I should not feel afraid.

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It’s hard to believe that in just a few days I will be back at work again. I haven’t seen that place or any of my coworkers or friends in over eight weeks and the idea of seeing them again Monday morning is making me feel increasingly excited, anxious, and afraid. I’m trying not to think about it though. When I do the guilt over not doing or accomplishing more than I have these past few months.

I keep trying to remember that no one expected anything from me but me, that it’s okay I took this time to rest and to sometimes do nothing, and, that considering how quickly and dramatically the world changed there was no way to properly plan or emotionally prepare for a long time away from work and in isolation. I did what I could, and that is good enough.

So tonight, instead of trying to get back to my old sleep habit and routine, I’m staying up late and having a few drinks with my wife. I’ve decided to be even less productive than I have been and to focus on myself for the next few days. No writing. No reading. No big projects. Just doing whatever I feel like for theses next few days. I’ll get back to work when I have to, and not a second before.

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I had a good walk this morning. I’m still feeling sore and worrying that I am pushing myself too hard, but I’m committed to giving myself a week of this and seeing if my body can adjust. If, in a week, my joints are locked up and throbbing, then I will cut back but it’s just a walk, a little over two miles a day, and that doesn’t seem like too much to ask from myself.

It’s been nice to get to know my neighborhood in a way I haven’t in all the years I’ve been living here. I’ve walked these same sidewalks before, but to do it day after day, to watch the tress, the lawns, the people, move from one season into another, to experience it in this pandemic where we are all so much more connected with those around us even if we have to keep our distance. I’m seeing it all, even house, intersection, and person, with fresh eyes and understanding.

I’d like to keep this up after I return to work, but I’m not sure what that will look like. I will have to walk earlier, or much, much later. I hope my wife will still go with me too. Of all the things I, we, have been able to do these past months, this is the one thing I want to hold on to.

The rain has been rolling in and out all day and taking my energy and focus in and out with it. I haven’t been able to work on the drafts I started yesterday, but I’m not pushing myself too hard right now, anyway. These are my last days that will belong to me fully for a very long time, if ever again. Yes, I will have weekends always, but even they are rushed and filled with worry and preparation for the workweek.

One thing I have learned during this time is how much of my time and how many of my decisions belong to or are because of work. The truth is nearly all of it was and I have a job that is very clearly separate from my home life. I have a job I can’t take home, so it must be so much worse for others.

These next few days will have no expectations or obligations imposed and going forward there will be, there have to be more days like them.

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I just got the call from work asking me if I’d be willing not only to return to work next week, but to coordinate the schedule and duties of my team too. My first task in my new position.

I’m a little scared, but I feel ready to return. I’m scared to get sick, obviously, but I’m also anxious to start building new work habits and to know what things will be like now since there are going to be a lot of changes to the way we work. For now, we’re only allowed to work 4 hours a day and we’ll have to keep our distance from each other which will make things difficult but much of the summer work is done outside anyway so we should be fine.

More than anything though, I’m ready to be around people again. I’m ready to be a a part of something, to feel useful, important, and respected again. It’s amazing how much of work life turned out to be my actual life, and it’s surprising how much I missed what I thought I resented the most.

Honestly, I’ve never been happier with my workplace, my supervisors, or my team than I am right now for their foresight and support through this pandemic. They’ve really taken care of me and motivated me to come back more motivated, willing, and connected to my work than ever,

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The clouds were still lingering this morning when I woke up and the cold made me want to skip my morning walk. My wife took the dog without me and I immediately felt disappointed and angry with myself for not having the willpower so, after working my way through some to-do items I’d been putting off, I put on my running shoes and headed out on my own.

I decided to try out the track at the high school instead of walking the neighborhood. Normally it gets a little too packed to practice social distancing well but I went at just the right time before too many people had the same idea. The clouds moved on and the temperature rose quickly limiting how hard I could push myself but what little running I got to do felt really, really good.

Back home I took advantage of the motivation I felt and managed some yard work and some real progress cleaning out the basement. Not a bit of writing or reading got done, but it still felt like a productive day. There are more than a few ways to feel accomplished and useful and sometimes it isn’t in creating something but in taking care of yourself, your home, or your family instead.

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It’s a gloomy, rainy kind of day today. Neither my wife or I wanted to get up and go for a walk, but the dog was begging so badly I decided to take her on a quick jog around the block. It was misty and miserable out when we went, but I’m glad we did. I’m trying my best to get outside, to get some sun and get moving every day and as good as it feels I still find every excuse not to go.

A little cold, a little tired, a little sore or grumpy, all to me are reason to skip it but once I’m up and moving I see how flimsy those reasons are and how easy they are to overcome. That is, I’m learning to see through my own bullshit.

I don’t know if it was the clouds, the late nights lately, the new daily walks, or the IBD flare-up I’m worried is coming on, but I am feeling especially exhausted today. After lunch I found myself overwhelmed by the urge to curl up under a blanket and sleep. I could not have fought it if I’d wanted to. I’m glad I didn’t try though. I need the rest and without it I know I would have spent the evening dragging my useless body around and accomplishing nothing.

Sometimes we have to fight ourselves to get anything done, and sometimes we have to give into ourselves for the long term good. Much of life lately is spent trying to discern between the two.

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