265 // The Practice is Important

The new week has finally begun and though I woke in a bad mood, wanting to stay home and forget all responsibilities and obligations, I’m doing a remarkable job of faking it until I, hopefully, make it. Being part of a team and knowing there are people who are counting on me to show up and produce good work means leaving my problems and poor attitude at the door.

And you know what, taking the time and making the effort to change my perspective really turned the whole day around. It wasn’t easy though, and I realize now why the practice of mediation and mindfulness is so important. I’ve been out of practice for weeks now and I am noticing that stepping outside of myself, grounding myself, or using my rational mind is getting harder and harder to do.

The good news is that even though this week’s schedule is full, there are plenty of people on my team to share the load this time. I have more downtime than I anticipated and on top of that I’d long decided to take a couple of days off at the end of the week. It won’t be near as hard as it looks on paper and knowing that alone makes the day all the brighter.

There are just 100 days left in the year. Of course, I know that nothing, not politically or personally, will get better when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st, 2021, but the elections will be over, we’ll have settled so much further into this new normal, we’ll be halfway through winter, and so many of the big decisions I have to yet to make will be behind me.

It’s not the new year that matters. That isn’t really the end I’m waiting for. I’m just looking forward to solutions and outcomes to the problems we face and a chance to overcome fresh problems altogether.

My energy levels are severely low and it’s hard to think about anything but a nap. I’m avoiding work, just doing a few small inconsequential tasks to keep my coworkers from bothering me and opting instead to spend most of my day exploring the new web version of the Slowly app.. This isn’t productive, I know, but at least it feels nice. I’m trying hard to stay positive and I’m doing my best not to be too hard on myself. This helps right now. I know it’ll get easier tomorrow and through the rest of the week.

Today is just Monday.

On top of the fatigue the bad news keeps piling on and by the end of work I was feeling exhausted and emotionless. Everyone I love is going through such tough times and there is little I can offer them. It hurts to see them hurt. It hurts doubly to be able to do nothing but watch. I feel guilty for my privilege and angry that nothing I have can be given to help another. I’ve accumulated so much worthlessness.

I spent most of the day in the kitchen prepping the week’s breakfasts and then cooking dinner. I cleaned up and did some laundry too. I love taking care of us and our home. I love doing these little wifely things (of husbandly things if you happen to be a husband who does them), domestic things I never thought I could love but that have increasingly been a source of fulfillment and peace for me.

Tomorrow is Monday and, weirdly, my easiest day this week. I have to work but I’ve got nothing specific scheduled to do, nothing urgent or difficult. Tomorrow I’ll take care of some small easy things and try my best to set aside time to do things for me. I know I won’t get the same chance until the weekend rolls around again.

The goals this week will be simple. Keep doing what I have been doing and do a little less of what I think I love but don’t really.