I spent most of the day in the kitchen prepping the week’s breakfasts and then cooking dinner. I cleaned up and did some laundry too. I love taking care of us and our home. I love doing these little wifely things (of husbandly things if you happen to be a husband who does them), domestic things I never thought I could love but that have increasingly been a source of fulfillment and peace for me.

Tomorrow is Monday and, weirdly, my easiest day this week. I have to work but I’ve got nothing specific scheduled to do, nothing urgent or difficult. Tomorrow I’ll take care of some small easy things and try my best to set aside time to do things for me. I know I won’t get the same chance until the weekend rolls around again.

The goals this week will be simple. Keep doing what I have been doing and do a little less of what I think I love but don’t really.


The few days of jogging I did last week are catching up to me. My left leg is useless this morning so I’m skipping the days jog and adjusting the schedule. I have a knee support sleeve, Tylenol (doc says no more ibuprofen), and plenty of muscle pain relief patches to fix me right up. I hope to be back in my running shoes by tomorrow evening.

This morning I’m catching up on some much-needed thinking time instead. I’m calling it mindful procrastination.

I hypothesize that sitting in front of a screen trying, and trying, and trying isn’t always the best way to make something. Sometimes you have to use your brain while you do other things, while you clean, while you talk to others, while you walk the dog, while you watch TV. Regular procrastination means shutting off, this is using everything around you as a stimulant, a source, and a space.

I’m feeling pretty cruddy this morning. I think stress—and other bad feelings—are catching up to me. All week I had done so well getting up on time, going out to jog, getting to work on time, and keeping my spirits high, but today I can’t do any of that. Today I just need to feel.

Things improved.

Tonight we are going to my mother’s to celebrate two of my siblings birthdays. My wife and I came bearing gifts, good good, wine, and cake. I felt good to see them all and to make them feel special. I have a place and a purpose and life is not bad in every moment. There can bee good even while the the grip of the real world squeezes.

It started out as just a “challenging day”. From the moment I woke up I felt bad vibes in the cold air streaming from the open window above my bed. I got to work and all my well laid plans went out the door within minutes. I hate crisis. I hate reacting. I hate not knowing where I am going or what I am to do.

Very quickly it became a “hard day”. Work piled up and bad news came in through the phone. There are few ways out of the predicament and all solutions are bad ones. I’m not alone but we are alone. We know we must endure together but trying not to be at each others throats is exhausting.

By evening I was sure that what I was actually having was a “very bad day”. I’m falling apart and today I cannot hide it. I’m hurt, and scared, and angry, and it all comes from a place of love. I wish I was more for everyone but I am only me and that is why things go to shit so much. We are all only who we are though. It’s not a bad thing but that is no comfort either.

The bright side is I made it through. I’m trying to be grateful and to be optimistic but the best I can muster is the hope that whatever long term harm comes won’t last as long as my fears imagine.

I noticed the leaves changing today. Well, I noticed first yesterday but it was so little I imagined I imagined it. Today, I’m seeing it all over. Not on every tree but enough to indicate clearly that the beginning of the end has begun. I’m desperatly hanging on the thr hope that though the days are growing shorter and cooler it will be a long while more before I feel trapped and hopeless in winter again.

Two of my sisters, born years apart, one to a different mother and the other from a different father, celebrate their birthdays today. I called them both, one too tired to talk much and the other, well, in that case I was the one too tired to talk much. I haven’t been myself today. Either the fatigue is back or I am coming down with something. Everyone at work is sick and so are many of the kids. I hear it’s strep which I have always been susceptible too.

A larger part of me is convinced it’s all in my head.

The morning started out well but I’m feeling rather unnerved and I can’t figure out why. Everything is good. I’m on time. I’m relaxed. I’m getting shit done. I guess the reasons I should be feeling good are exactly the reasons I’m so worried. I’m not used to this feeling.

After the doctors visit yesterday I picked up a bottle of magnesium gel caps with the hope of not only improving my ulcerative colitis symptoms but of aiding in my quest for a good night’s sleep too. I took just one with dinner and—I know it’s probably all in my head but—I really feel like I slept better last night and got up right on time to go for a short jog this morning with no issue.

Last night I wasn’t able to get my body weight routine in, but, oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow evening. I may go out running again to make up some of the time and distance lost on my morning run to sidewalk closures this evening, but if I don’t, it’s fine too. I deserve the rest anyway.

I somehow have my shit together today and it’s kind of freaking me out. I arrived at work early, didn’t forget anything, had very little anxiety, and have managed to carve out a couple of hours of free time for myself. Later this afternoon I have a doctor’s appointment and consequently the afternoon off from work. I’m looking forward to both without stress or guilt. Who am I today?

Update: The doctor’s visit went really well. Starting tomorrow I will start tapering off of one of my medications entirely and in the next few months I will get to drop to a lower dose of the other. I can stop taking the iron supplements, but I have to keep taking the calcium and vitamin D and I have to add magnesium. More blood was drawn and soon I will need bone density and skin checks but it’s all just precaution.

My lab results are good. I feel good, and I have the best doctor and support system anyone could have asked for.

Every day I get closer to the old me.

Goals // Week 38

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Write one new thing outside of my journal. I don’t have to post it this week, but I do have to write something, anything. I have a schedule and I have to stick to it. That means no social media, no “research”, no work duties and no minor chores. Just keep it simple. Write it, even if it’s bad, even if you don’t even know what it is, just write it.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Read 200 pages of anything. I have 3 books going right now and I have made very little progress on any of the three. I think it would be best if I narrowed the options to two—one physical book and one to read from my phone. Progress will feel more substantial and fewer choices make it easier to decide when and what to read.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Finish week five of MODPO. It’s been months since I’ve done a lesson and all I have to do is watch the videos. It’s hard because I have to devote my full attention to the lesson but it’ll be good practice as I move away from multi-tasking anyway.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Wake up early to go for a run three mornings this week and choose three other evenings to do a simple body weight work out instead. On Sunday go for hiking and a do a simple yoga routine. The goal is not to push myself but just to start. Any activity at all will be better than what I have been doing.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Go to bed on time. I haven’t been sleeping well, and it’s starting to affect my mood and my motivation. I want to get back to getting ready for bed 30 minutes beforehand and if I get done early, reading a physical book until I feel drowsy.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Breakfast for the week is overnight oats. It’s cheaper than buying instant oats and probably healthier too but I have to remember to make them, every night! While I’m choosing the healthier option I should also refrain from buying snacks or dipping into the candy bowls at work. I never feel good after indulging.

icons8-unchecked-checkbox-50-ios-filled Catch up on the work thing I’ve been avoiding for the last few weeks now. I’m just feeling insecure but the truth is I am doing a good job and even if I do end up making a mistake or messing it up entirely, no one will be mad and I’ll learn and do better going forward.

I know the list is long but if I stay positive and focused, I know I can do it. There are enough hours in the day, and on the days that there aren’t, I’ll choose just one thing to accomplish and rest assured that it is enough.

Photo by Rémi Jacquaint on Unsplash

There were good things today.

I cleaned. I wrote a little. I didn’t get to that cut out poem, but I spent some time on taking care of me. There was a delicious dinner and a bottle of good red wine. I got new head phones and they are exactly what I need to help get through the long days at work.

And now the weekend is over and I am trying not to be too down about it. I’m proud of myself for doing better today than I did yesterday but I’m still carrying so much guilt. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t let myself get sucked into mindless TV and social media timelines that way again. Not all day.

But today was better, and that has to be enough. I have to let it go and start new tomorrow.

It’s been a lazy day spent binge-watching mindless shows, napping, drinking hard ciders, and eating junk. My body hurts and my mood is spoiled. Everything that would help sounds exhausting. There is no hope to recover the day, not that I want to anyway.

I’ll try again tomorrow.