Tag: Excerpts from my journal

121 // Fewer Regrets

Today went by way too fast. I feel I hardly had time to do today’s work and then to catch up on yesterday’s work before it was time to start on tomorrow’s work!

There wasn’t time for me to write or to read or to make progress on my courses. I cannot wait until after tomorrow when things will die down again…maybe. Now that I think about it, I think next week is supposed to be just as busy.

I’m doing better at night though. My new rule is I can watch one show, maybe two, but never three. I have to check my to-do list, write at least a journal post, work on my courses if there is time, and read for 30 minutes before bed. Making time in the evening to make up for time lost in the day is a relief. It means I go to bed with fewer regrets and a little less to worry about.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

120 // Today’s Mistakes

I’m loving my new workspace more and more every day. I have more choice about who I interact with and how my time is used or wasted. I can do my work in quiet and when I want to socialize, I can walk back over to my old area and do my old thing. So far though, I haven’t felt the need.

My new work building is filled with too many snacks. I’ve made myself sick with rice crispy treats, donuts, and a full ream of Ritz crackers because I lack any kind of willpower. Now just thinking about food is making my gut wrench. I’ll try my best to keep down a bowl of coconut noodle soup and then I’ll put myself to bed before my body has a chance to (violently) reject today’s mistakes.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

119 // Monday Gloom Again

The weather patterns are repeating favoring us with gorgeous weekends and exacting the price in gloomy Monday mornings. This is the second gray Monday in a row but I’m determined to be more productive than I was the last.

I spent most of the day finishing up post drafts here and printing a fresh new editorial calendar to fill out for Zen and Pi. I did a few work things, sent a few faxes, and filed a few packets, and at least one wedding thing was accomplished.

It was a good reading day. I finally made it past page 100 of Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. And it was a good learning day too, though I’m already behind in International Women’s Health and Human Rights. I got around to outlining a short essay assignment and plan to finish writing the piece tomorrow morning, maybe, hopefully.

Not bad for gray clouds and gloom I think.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

118 // Pop Culture Mourning

I join others across social media platforms in mourning our pop culture losses between Avengers: Endgame and The Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones this weekend.

It’s amazing how we come to be so attached to these fictional characters. They can come to be our best friends, our younger siblings, we can even come to love them as we love ourselves. We wish we could know them, be them, help and comfort them. Even the ones we hate can command our respect and even their loses leave voids.

What’s stranger is that these stories will go on and that we will still watch, riveted and thrilled, filled with some small guilt we have no name for.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

117 // The Outside World

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come more and more to enjoy being cooped up home. I like the quiet. I like the routine. I like being in a space that I control, that belongs to me, that is safe but some days—when I am forced to leave the house—I am reminded that being outside and among people can feel really good too.

A simple shopping trip, a drive downtown, even a walk around the block can be full of little happiness and surprises. The sun certainly feels good and even other people on some level provide a kind of comfort. I’m reminded of what society and community feel like. I’m reminded that I am part of something and the world, my world, goes on beyond me and my driveway.

The season is changed. Winter has become spring and though it doesn’t always feel like it, it’s time for me to change too. It’s time to move from isolation and introspection to exploration and extroversion.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

116 // No Matter How Bad They Start

I woke up just as fatigued, anxious, and irritable as I have all week but it’s nearly afternoon now and things have since improved. Since then, the sun has come up, the air has warmed, there’s been reason to smile and time has passed getting me closer to the weekend, a dinner date, and Avengers: Endgame.

It’s Friday and no matter how bad they start, they almost always end up being good days.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

115 // By Tomorrow

The headache is back, and the bad mood. In my body’s defense, I have not done a good job of caring for it. I slept better last night but still not well. I’ve been eating junk and not drinking enough water. I’ve been relying on coffee and ibuprofen again, two things I’m supposed to be limiting.

The day was bad enough, but the evening only got worse. We ran late. I was in pain. Things went wrong and nothing felt right. Bad mood chafed against bad mood until a small argument broke out. It’s bedtime now and things are better but hurt feelings still linger and I imagine we’ll both fall asleep with regrets tonight. By tomorrow we’ll know love again. We always do.

114 // I’ve Been Tired

Something’s wrong. I’ve been tired since Sunday at least. The kind of tired that lives in your mind not your body. The kind of tired that blends the days together and keeps you in a fog. The kind of tired that leaves you irritable and unable to accomplish anything. Sure you can show up. You can go through the motions but you can’t make decisions, you can’t figure it out.

I’m trying things. Coffee isn’t doing the trick anymore so I have to get more sleep, better sleep. I’m going to go to bed earlier on work nights, no matter what. I’m going to limit myself to one TV show in the evening and read before bed instead. I’m going to get outside more and walk during the day, no matter what. I’m going to give myself permission to take a short nap when I need to. I’m going to use earplugs at night and make sure my phone’s ringer is off.

It’s a lot to change but most of them are habits I had but simply wasn’t diligent about.

At the same time, I want to acknowledge that this may not be simply and sleeping problem. There may be more going on and this may be something to talk to my doctor about.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

113 // Small Steps

Today is better than yesterday, but not by much. Work is still out of the question, though I did show up, but a few wedding things are getting done. My goal is one small step every single day. I figure that three month’s worth of small steps every day should get us the wedding we want or very close, anyway.

The problem is, or the thing I have to remember is that small steps don’t mean easy or quick. A small step, just one decision or one to-do item could take a whole day or longer. I have to remember to focus on the process and not just done. I have to be okay with things taking time and things being difficult. I have to forget about the timeline and just work.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

112 // Monday Gloom

The clouds are hanging around again today, in the sky and in my head. I can’t seem to shake them no matter how much sugar and caffeine I consume and fighting it is only exhausting me further. Today is for rest, even if I have to spend it working and wedding planning. Though my body may appear to be moving and doing I assure you that my mind was left back in the bed at home where it’s warm and peaceful. Writing, reading, and learning will just have to wait.

These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren