Tag: Journal

So, we started watching Mindhunter on Netflix again and somehow, this time I am completely taken in by the show. The last time I tried it I felt it was not only slow but pointless too. This time I can’t stop watching. It’s well past my bedtime now and even with the knowledge that even if I went to bed right now I’d be miserable I have opted for another 50 minute episode.

It’s strange how you hard it is to resist cravings and impulses, how alluring the pull of instant gratification, and how, even with the certainty that the choice you are making is the worst one for you, you can happily do the exact wrong thing.

Tomorrow is going to be tough.

The weekend is already too short and I still have a whole day and a half left of it. Hell, I had three days of weekend leading up to it, and it’s still not enough. I’m convinced that rime away from work is no way to reset and return with renewed energy and motivation. No, the more time you have off the harder it is to return to work and the harder it is to find fulfillment in what you have no passion for.

Knowing this, I have decided to make time today for what I do have a passion for. I’m writing, some, I’m making progress on Coursera readings and videos, and reading, a lot. I’m doing it all from the couch, which probably isn’t the best idea, but I have directed my brain not to consider the TV a priority. Wish me luck.

Today is like an empty vessel that needs filling but nothing seems to fit or feel right. I don’t know what to spend my time on. Rest sounds nice but I don’t want to give it too many hours but doing anything else feels like asking too much.

It turned out to be a rather productive day. I cleaned out the car, cleaned up the kitchen, made a cut out poem, submitted my assignment for week 3 of International Women’s Health and Human Rights, and read nearly 100 pages of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky.

I wish I could have done more. I could have, but I chose to lose hours watching T.V. with my wife. I don’t wish I had spent fewer hours doing that in exchange…I just wish I could have done more of both. I wish I could have more hours, more energy, more of all the things I love. I suppose I should just be grateful for what I have. It was a rather productive day after all, and it was a loving one too.

That is so much more than most people get in 24 hours.

I accidentally took a 3 hour nap and now it feels like the whole day is gone. I know it isn’t really but my disappointment and depression are working closely together to keep me from seizing what is left. I just want to keep on sleeping and to be honest I’m already dreading work next Monday. Why am I like this?

The evening turned out better. I’m always shocked by how romantic browsing the labyrinth of IKEA can feel. Their showrooms and carefully laid out furniture sections make it easy to plan your home together without feeling enclosed by aisles and the reality of other people. We didn’t walk away with the bookshelves we came for but only because I found something better and have to measure the rooms to make sure they will fit.

After shopping it was burgers and beers, fried pickles and banana pudding for dinner at my favorite casual dining place. I normally hate beer but I tried a Station 26 Tangerine Cream Pale Ale, and it was amazing! It actually tasted like tangerine, but it also tasted like beer. Perhaps is hope for me yet that I might join the world of beer lovers and learn to drink this golden brew without wanting to puke.

And now we’re home and staying up late to scare ourselves watching In The Tall Grass on Netflix, a horror film apparently based on a Stephen King and Joe Hill novella. I can’t wait for the nightmares.

Starting fall break a little earlier than I originally planned to and though I regret the lower paycheck already, it was rather nice.

Most of the morning was for tweaking little blog things and setting up some drafts. I joined up with the Cheer Peppers for National Blog Posting Month in November on impulse and I am scrambling to figure out what exactly that means now. I pretty much post here everyday anyway so the challenge should be something more than what I am already doing, right?

In the afternoon I accompanied a loved one on their first therapy appointment for moral and emotional support. That means I spent over an hour and a half sitting in a waiting room alone watching the videos and doing the reading for week 8 of Modern & Contemporary American Poetry. It was a good use of my time. I got some personal goals accomplished, and I got to be a good friend/loved one to someone who I care about and who needed me.

I’ll admit that much of much of my self-worth comes from what I can give to others and who knows that I can be counted on, but I’m ok with that. There are worse things to hinge your sense of self on I suppose.

I spent most of the evening I’ve been playing with collage things and working on little blackout/cut out poems and before I head to bed, I plan to make progress with Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky.

It was a fulfilling day.

Today isn’t as good as yesterday, nor, I predict, is it as good as tomorrow will be. I have to work, my ear still hurts, my energy levels are low, my mood is shot and the chances of recovery are low. I’m not even trying to improve it to be honest. The strategy is to put in my headphones and count down the hours until I can go home.

Home, where my things are, where my dog is, where there is quiet and where my wife soon will be with me. It pizza and the democratic debate tonight, a few of our favorite things, and just knowing that tomorrow I won’t have to do anything or go anywhere until at least noon time is putting me in a very cheerful place. The day has been salvaged.

Ok, the debate was lame. So lame in fact that I turned it off and opted to read quietly in bed rather than watch the last hour. I’ve never done that before. I love debates, but the field is just too crowded and nothing new is being said. Now if the competition was leading to new and innovative solutions, I’d be feeling much more excited but instead it’s only leading to increased infighting. I hate it; I hate it; I hate it. I’ve never looked forward to a primary so much.

This was a very un-Monday like Monday. I felt surprisingly social and willing to interact and entertain. I felt cooperative and, dare I say, even happy to be at work. It helps that I knew is would be a short and easy day. I got home a full 3 hours earlier than I normally would and I swear it was almost better than having the whole day off.

It would have been a perfect day if it weren’t for this damn ear pain! I gave in and chatted with a doctor online through my insurance company today and was told not much could be done at this stage. Apparently an ear infection is common after an upper respiratory infection and it could take an additional 10-14 days for the infection to clear up. The plan is more Tylenol, fluids, rest, and cold medication until I’m better. It sucks but I’m glad I could be told that online for free rather than paying to go in and being sent home with nothing.

So, for now, I’m following doctor’s orders (which are actually my wife’s order’s now) and taking care of me first for a little while longer.

Today is…just ok. I feel really out of it both from the lingering sickness and from over indulging last night. I can’t focus. I barely want to move. I’m doing what I can but it isn’t enough. It isn’t what I hoped it would be, but it never is I guess, not even on the Sundays when I have the energy and the want. Still, it’s Sunday and Sundays belong to me, even the disappointing ones, and that’s more than I can say for most days out of the week.

The weekend is even harder to let go of when you don’t really have to go to work the next day. I want to stay home but I made a commitment to my coworkers, my friends, and they expect me plus, how can I pass up the easy hours? One should only play hooky on the bad days, not the ones one could breeze through with little effort or mental strain, right?

I wish I hadn’t slept in so much but I also know I desperately need the rest. I’m still dealing with a sore throat but every morning it’s a little better and today I seem to have a little more of the energy I’ve missed. We’re attending a birthday party for a friend later so I’m trying to get all of my little to-do’s done and a decent nap in before late afternoon.

My wife: Let’s start over. Something is wrong with us today.

My mood is all bad. I’m anxious and on edge. I won’t know many people at the party we’re going to and it’s making me nervous. I’m worried I will do or say something stupid. I always do, I think, but I still have to go. This is important. These people are important to us and it’s important to us to show up for them the way they have for us before.

And I know that when my mind tells me I’m going to mess up. When I think I am going to say something stupid or make an ass of myself, that it is my mind lying to me. The truth is, I will probably have a great time and people are more than likely going to like me just fine. And the truth is, despite the good time I will agonize over every word I say tonight for the next week at least, and I still have to do it.

The weather is much improved today but still rather wintery. It’s a good day though. I’m not as focused as I should be and I’m not nearly as productive as I should be either, but I’m with people that make me smile and they made me feel like I belong and some days that is just more important that the to-do lists and the goals, right?

I’m feeling better and better every day, but the early mornings and the late afternoons are hard. I wake with a swollen and sore throat, difficulty swallowing, and a bit of ear pain but as the day progresses the symptoms subside, but return after lunch reminding me I still have a long way to go toward complete recovery. I had hoped to go out tonight, and I was bummed when the plans had to be canceled, but now I think it was for the best. I can spend the evening relaxing knowing I can sleep in tomorrow and that my time will be mine for the next two days.

This weekend I have one birthday party to attend—an adult one this time—and that’s it for plans. The rest of my time will be for reading, for little blackout poems and collages, for insignificant writing, and for that special brand of procrastination that manifests as house work. I’m looking forward to it all.