046 // I’ll Tell You Tomorrow

It’s been a long day long day, but I can’t really tell you about it right now except to say that today was new, it was nerve-wracking, it was exhausting, and fun, and worth every minute, but I’ll never ever do it again, at least not like this.

And now I’m off to bed, far too late and dreading the next few nights of the same followed by mornings so early I barely know who or where I am or why the hell I’m even awake.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

031 // The Story of Today

It was one of those days that contains a little of everything in your life. It was the kind of day that before you had actually lived it you never would have described as perfect, or good, or remarkable in any way. If it weren’t for this post forcing me to stop and think about it, I may have forgotten the day entirely by tomorrow.

But thinking about it now, there was good that felt really good and the kind of bad you feel proud to fight through and overcome. It was quite the battle, the struggle, and the victory. There was love, there was a little bit of tragedy, and there is even a happy ending too.

Today, it turns out, was actually kind of epic and beautiful. Maybe every day is?


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

029 // Tonight, I’m a Mess

I can’t believe we’re not even halfway through the week yet, and this godforsaken month seems determined not to end. Why don’t the weeks of April through October ever feel this long? I suppose times slows to a crawl when you’re miserable.

I spent most of the day dealing with medical professionals, staff, and drug companies. There was good news, or, rather, there was information which did help put my mind at ease. But, moving forward with new treatment means a battery of new tests and appointments and it also means more anxiety. I’m trying my best here but it’s hard.

So, tonight I came home, claimed a corner of the couch as my own, wrapped myself in my comfiest blanket, and let my girlfriend know that is where she could find me for the rest of the night. Tomorrow I’ll be strong again, but tonight I’m a mess, and that’s okay.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

028 // Beginning with Emily Dickinson

Another snow storm rolled in today and this time we got far more than the local meteorologists were predicting. Visibility was low and the temperatures were frigid. The road conditions were treacherous and traffic locked up all over the city. We all should have stayed home but the worst of it rolled in after it was already too late to call it a snow day.

My bones still ache and I’m entirely worn out for no reason except that the air was cold and I —having been forced to go out in it—had to work harder just to stay warm. I hate the layers I have to wear, and the clunky shoes, and the slow stupid way I have to walk to keep from busting my ass on the ice.

I’m tired, I’m angry, and I’m outraged I have to do it all again tomorrow.


It wasn’t all bad. I did finish reading The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery (my sixth book of the year already!) this morning. It was an incredible book but not quite what I had expected it would be.

(I have to start writing this year’s book reviews before I get too far behind)

Luckily, I remembered to bring The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson to work knowing how close I was to finishing The Soul of an Octopus. So far it’s been a…challengeing read. I thought Dickinson would easy since the poems are so short. Wrong!

I could spend days analyzing just one of her poems. I only got through 10 of them today but they were so beautiful that I don’t mind at all. Looks like I’ll be spending a good long while with Ms. Dickinson. So much so that I may have to change my reading schedule to accommodate the research I want to do and the notes I want to take in the book.

I’m also going to start reading a second book to keep from falling behind on my reading challenge. I haven’t decided which one yet but I’m thinking something short and easy. Candide by Voltaire perhaps? Recommendations welcome.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

027 // Letting Sunday Go

Today hasn’t been a very good day. I went out shopping and didn’t find anything I liked. I didn’t get any reading or writing done. My house is a mess and I’m too tired to clean it. My back hurts, my head hurts, I’m tired and the weekend is rapidly ending. Now I’m in a bad mood and I don’t know how to get out of it.

What I need is a plan. Maybe I just need is a long hot shower to reset the night. Maybe I just need to turn off all of these screens and crawl under a few layers of blankets with a big cup of ginger tea and the last 20 pages of my book. Maybe I need to call it a night, let Sunday go and try again Monday.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

026 // Pleasant Surprises

Some days you will wake up thinking you have it all planned out, that you know what the day will bring and what you will do in turn but some days you will step out of your door and at every step the day will refuse to cooperate, some in bad ways, and some in the most beautiful and surprising ways.

I had hoped to write today and to finish reading my book, but when I stepped out that door to make a quick visit with my family I was surprised in the most amusing and beautiful way. I was reminded that I am loved, that I have a place, and that I am far from alone. I was reminded that I am free to be me, always. I was reminded that I have a family that is actively healing through laughter and the sharing of vulnerabilities.

Life is complicated. People are complicated. They are cruel and stupid, and they rarely mean the things they say and do. Time, effort, and forgiveness can—sometimes, if we’re very lucky—heal the wounds between people.

Today I was reminded that I am lucky.

Today I was reminded to be grateful.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

025 // Bad News Day

It’s a lot to get into, but some news I had been dreading to receive, news I had just begun to hope wouldn’t come after all, came today. Long story short, my medication is damaging my liver and even though it is keeping the inflammation in my colon at bay, I will have have to cease taking it and start something new.

If you live in America and you have a chronic illness you’ll have some idea how stressful it is to deal with insurance companies during treatment changes. First, there must be a cost analysis done to find out if, and how much of the cost they will cover. This medication will more than likely cost thousands of dollars a dose, the same as my last medication. How much my insurance will cover and how much I can get assistance for the rest will take time to work out and there is a possibility that it won’t.

In the meantime, I a ball of stress and anxiety, a state that actually triggers and worsens my symptoms. What if we can’t afford the new medication? What if I am allergic to the new medication? What if the new medication doesn’t work? What if, while I’m waiting for the cost analysis and the financial assistance, my symptoms return or worsen? What if, what if, what if…?

Of course, worrying does nothing, and like all things, I just have to wait for answers to come and deal with them as they do.

But that is easier said than done.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren