Goals – Page 5 – Lisa Marie Blair

Goals 2020 // Part II: A Year of Deliberate Doing

I promised myself I wouldn’t declare any grand resolutions, or sweeping changes to my habits or lifestyle for the new year and though that may appear to be exactly what I am doing here I assure you this is not nearly so rigid or strict a list.

What I set out here are intentions, hopes, and kind works I want to give to myself on this journey into the new decade. This is what I hope for my future self now knowing that she may come to hope for wholly different things when her time comes. I offer her wisdom knowing that her life is one I am ignorant of and that she will come to possess a knowledge beyond my own through her own experiences.

The only habit change I chose to make for 2020 is to decide mindfully how I want to spend my time by scheduling out my hours from day to day. My hope is to get more done by being consistent, by knowing what to do next, and by not allowing myself to get sucked into avoiding progress by mindlessly scrolling, binge-watching, or conveniently forgetting what kind of life it is I want to lead.

To that same effect I thought is only right to make a list not of things I must do, but of things I would like to do, experience, or accomplish in 2020. The list is flexible. I can and will add, delete, alter, and update it throughout 2020 as I complete items or change my mind. If I’m really on top of things each item checked off will have a corresponding post, perhaps each deleted item will too.

I did a lot in 2019 but there were a few weekends that went by and a few opportunities missed simply because I lost track of time and failed to plan ahead. This list is meant to be checked at least weekly and as often as every month. I can edit then and choose one or three things to begin planning for the next month or two to check off. I want to make sure I get the most out of the year and this time next year I will make my final updates, share my thoughts, and post a whole new list.

This year marks the beginning of a new decade and a new journey for all of us together. From here 2020 feels like it’s going to be a big year, or, I want it to be a big year. After getting married, traveling out of state for first time since I was a child, and making so many lovely memories with friends and family, I’m ready to step even further out of my comfort zone.

This year I will:

Create a schedule—for everything, every day!—and stick to it.

Get that promotion at work.

Go camping just the two of us.

Travel to Texas for business and for pleasure

Visit family in California.

Go back to South Carolina.

Hike new trails this summer.

Rent a cabin for Christmas.

Get active. Return to running and basic body weight training.

Achieve remission, again!

Post regularly to Zen and Pi.

Pitch one publication a month. Bonus: Collect 100 rejections in 2020.

Read 30 books.

Complete the big home improvement projects.

Complete 7 massive online open courses.

Complete one lesson on Khan Academy and Duolingo daily.

See another play, a ballet, and an opera.

Pay off half of our debt.

Save a little more every month.

Give back a little of what’s left.

Get my driver’s license.

Buy a new car.

Get my library card again.

Start a private gratitude journal.

Start a sketchbook.

Attend a political protest event.

Volunteer for the Democratic Presidential Campaign.

Seek therapy.

This year I will do my best to give up control, to let others make mistakes, and to forgive people their weakness as I would want them to forgive me mine.

This year I will demand more from my relationships and give more of myself to my relationships too. I’ll make the time and put in the effort and when others make it clear that they wish to move on, I will let them go even if it hurts.

This year I will stop helping every body so damn much. I will stop helping others in ways that only serve to make me feel better rather than the ways they need me to help.

This year I will say “sorry” less often and I will never apologize for being, loving, and needing help, connection, and understanding. I will accept that not everyone will like me or even hold a positive opinion of me and know that that’s okay and not my fault or a reflection of my value as a person.

This year I will honor others. I will uplift people I see being overlooked. I will speak up for others being held down. I will remember that we go further if we go together.

This year I will get involved. I will become informed about my local politics, environment, and development. I will find a way to help.

This year I will not try to be someone new. I’m already the person I need to be, that I wanted to be but never saw before. I only have to let her be free.

2019 left me feeling supported, encouraged, strong, and full of love for myself. I am ready to work hard, to defend my boundaries, time, and needs, and to take my dreams seriously. I’m ready to go beyond a life that though it is beyond anything I used to think I could have or even deserved is far less than what is possible for me.

Featured image by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

Goals 2020 // Part I: Spending My Life the Way I Spend My Days

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living.”

— Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

Though 2019 was a phenomenal year, looking back, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed in myself. Looking back, I see so much good but also see a lot of wasted time. I lost hours playing games on my phone, binge watching TV, an scrolling Facebook or Twitter when I got bored. These where hours I could have been learning something new, reading more books, writing something, making something, doing absolutely anything else that would have been more fulfilling. I spent my year the way I spent my days and there were more days spent living a life I didn’t want than I am comfortable with.

I’m a naturally anxious and avoidant person. It’s not the failure I’m afraid of, or even the success. I don’t like to try because trying means finding out so much about yourself and there are things I worry I will find out that go beyond success and failure. So, I spin my wheels. I do what feels like work but isn’t I talk a lot about what I want and dream about who I will be after. I avoid living the life I say I want by mimicking, by wasting time, by making excuses. I don’t want to do that anymore.

So, I’m taking a moment to acknowledge that going forward the same as I always have in past years will only get me the same results I have ended past years with. I would like to step into a new decade with better prospects. I would like to try something new and perhaps make a little more progress this time around the sun. I’d like to live a little more like I the person I want to be one day.

This year I have a plan, and that plan is just to make a plan. If you think it sounds too simple or small for a new year’s resolution, I would agree. I refuse to refer to it as such. It’s not a big goal, or grand lifestyle change, it’s only a one, tiny habit change. All I have to do is make a daily schedule. I don’t have to plan the year. I don’t have to plan my months or weeks. No, in 2020 I will focus solely on the day to day, the hour to hour, the minute, by minute, by minute. I’ll spend my life the way I want to by making sure each day contains all the life I want to live inside of it.

I’m starting with Google calendar and carving out blocks of time for everything from when I sleep, when I wake up, when I work out, when I get ready for work, when I can eat, read, write, and watch TV. I have time for my wife, my family, my pets and myself scheduled to the minute. I have time for podcasts, for social media, for journalling, for making art, and for simply sitting and thinking for a while. Each event has a reminder set for one hour before so I know what comes next and when it’s time to begin there are notes and to do list items so I know where to focus.

In the evenings I’ll look over my calendar to adjust the days ahead. I can add events, to-do items, and notes. I can add more time, move events around, or delete them entirely. Of course not everything can be included into every day. Some days there may be no reading or writing at all because I’ll be working, traveling, spending time with family, or with friends, or shopping, running errands, or I simply decided to do something else or nothing at all. The point is not to do anything in particular but to make a choice. This time next year when I look back on this one I will know that wherever I ended up, whatever I did or didn’t do and whether I chose to focus or to slip into mindlessness more often than not, I will at least know it was up to me.

I know the exercise won’t be easy. There is so little in life we have a choice about. Even by making a schedule there is really only a small fraction of the day I can call my own. My day job demands a lot from me. My friends and family need me. I have responsibilities and obligations. I have to eat and sleep and will power runs low when the body or the mind grow weary, stressed, or depressed. To make matters more difficult you have to fight every day to wrench what little focus you have left from companies trying to see you something or sell your time to someone else.

The TV is always on, the phone is always buzzing; the ads are always running; the world is always telling you to consume, to post, to scroll. Choosing how to spend your time is not an easy choice to make in that vast current. It is a daily battle between you and yourself, you and the expectations of others, you and the giant machine of capitalism and consumerism.

I know sometimes I will fail miserably but I all ask of myself is not to give up. Day by day means beginning again, and again, and again every morning. With practice I hope to perfect my priorities and hone my focus. I hope to figure out what works and what doesn’t, what I can do and what is expecting too much. I hope to learn too what I thought I wanted to do and what it turns out I really didn’t, what feels right and feels wrong, and, what I really want my life to look like.

This system may sound strict and devoid of surprise or serendipity but the alternative has been to leave myself at the whims, cravings, moods, and flawed memory. The alternative has been lost time and opportunity. The alternative has been a lot of fear and regret.

But with this system there is nothing anymore to fear. I don’t have to count up my successes and failures. I don’t have to do one thing or another. I don’t have to be ashamed, afraid, or avoidant. If I don’t want to do something, then I don’t have to. All I need to do is leave it off the schedule and let it go, but if I want to do it, no matter what it is, accomplishing it can be the easiest thing in the world. All I have to do is block out the time, sit down, and do the thing I told myself I would do. That is all the success I want for 2020.

Featured image by Elliott Engelmann on Unsplash

Goals // Week 01

This week is the second week of winter break and I’m only planning to go into work the last two days just to schedule the next week and complete some small tasks. With all those extra hours at home—outside of a few small errands, time I plan to spend with my wife, and the New Year’s celebration and subsequent day of recovery—I’ve decided to set some bigger goals than I’ve been used to these last few weeks.

This week I will:

Schedule every hour of my days. It’s simple. I’m using my Google calendar to create events and reminders for blocks of time and how I would like to spend them from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. The goal is not to perfect adherence but to only cultivate a habit of thinking about what I would like to be doing with my time. Every night I will look over the next day and edit, move, or adjust where needed.

Update: I completed scheduled about half of my time last week. This is far more of my time than I have ever set out in black and white before so even though I marked it incomplete I count the effort alone as a success. GOing forward I will need to start scheduling a time to make the schedule and forming that as a daily habit.

Finish my cover letter. I’ve gotten my resume finished but I think it would be a nice touch to add a cover letter. I’ve done none of this before so I figure the more practice I can get the better and the additional effort couldn’t hurt my chances. Bonus: Ask 3 people for letters of recommendation.

Update: I was premature in setting this down as a goal. I will have to wait until the new position I am hoping for is available and then based on the description and the requirements I will craft a letter based specifically on my interest and qualification for the job.

Change my last name. I got married nearly 5 months ago but the bureaucratic hurdles I have to jump through, the number of institutions I have notify, and my fear of speaking with officials has kept me from adding my wife’s maiden name to my own, but as a Christmas gift to us both and a chance to start the new year as a new us, I’m getting it done.

Update: I have officially added my wife’s maiden name to my own last name, and she has added mine to her’s. It was quite an ordeal and we are from done but the most important first steps are complete. All I have left is to notify all my financial institutions and to perfect my signature.

Find my first rejection opportunity to kick off of #Rejection100 on Submittable. I’ve decided to get back into submitting work to publications again. I miss the motivation and direction that comes from a call for submission. I miss working with editors. I miss being part of a community writing toward the same goals. I also need the challenge in order to grow. So, here’s hoping for 100 rejections in 2020!

Update: To be honest I am rethinking this yearly goal entirely. The more I search for writing opportunities to pitch and then write for the more I realize that writing first and pitching later is the way that I write best. Of course the point is to push myself and to step outside of my comfort zone so I am still looking but the priority going forward will be the kind of writing I do because I have something to say, for me.

Finish a personal writing project for each of my own blogs. I have been slacking and spinning my wheels for months and it’s time I gather up some notes, ideas, and inspiration and try for 500 or 1000 words of real writing here and on Zen and Pi. I don’t want to lose sight of my own passions. I don’t want to grow stagnant writing what is easy.

Update: I made progress but I will be honest here and say that I did not do my best. I’m getting more comfortable carving out and devoting large blocks of time to this craft and I ideas are flowing easier every day but finishing is still the greatest obstacle. I’m getting there I promise.

Read 100 pages of Ethics by Benedict de Spinoza. This book isn’t an easy read but I really want to mark it off of my list. The time will be scheduled but at the very least if I could just do 30 minutes of reading before bed every night I think that would be enough. Bonus: Set a new reading goal on Goodreads.

Update: Despite its small size this book is deceptively hard to finish. It is dense and hard to understand though I do find it full of interesting and thought-provoking ideas. It’s not a book I can read before bed (it puts me to sleep) and it isn’t a book I can easily read at work. I must have the energy and be clear of any chance for distraction. Perhaps this is the kind of book that must be read in tandem with something easier and more exciting?

Keep eating right, taking my medication, and resting when I need to. I’m getting better but it has been slow and I have a strong tendency to push my body too hard and to grow lax about my meals and medication the moment I start to feel even remotely like myself. This week I have to remember that I am still quite sick and that I will get sicker again if I don’t take care of myself now.

Update: My meal and medication schedule are become second nature now and I even though I felt better I still stuck to the regime and allowed myself no excuses. I did miss one dose, and I did have a couple of instances where I overate or ate what something I knew would cause discomfort but taking the difficulty and the willpower involved I’m choosing to view my efforts in the most positive light possible.

This week I will not be too hard on myself if the temptation to skirt the schedule and these goals and instead get out and enjoy my time away from work becomes too strong. It’s still a vacation even if I’m not leaving town. I won’t close myself off entirely to spontaneity or serendipity. Time spend in joy or sunshine is never time wasted or time that should be regretted.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 52.

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Goals // Week 52

This week is the last full week of 2019, the week of Christmas and the first of my winter break. I have to work some, but the work will be light and relatively free from stress or frustration. I’ll also have a lot of time I get to claim for myself and I do not want to waste any of it. This week is practice for the new year and a chance to wrap up the last through reflection and resolution.

This week I will:

Finish my resume! If nothing else gets done at all over the next two weeks but this, I will count my time well spent and my winter break a success. I have enough on my plate worrying and preparing over interviews; I don’t want to worry about (or fail miserably over) something as simple as updating dates and duties in a document. The fact is, I am just terrified of change and this small task signals big changes to come, but the change is good and I have more than earned it.

Update: I did it and it looks great. I was afraid that when I was done there would be embarrassingly little to show for all my years with the same company and with very liitle change to my position but it turns out I have done, and still do, so much. I’m proud of all of it and happy to see it laid out in black and white finally.

Schedule every hour for the next week and then stick to the schedule. This is early practice for my one New Year’s resolution: To be mindful of how I spend my days, and thus, how I spend my life. I’m simply using Google calendar to start and mapping out everything I need to do from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I’m tired of losing time. I’m tired of looking back on the day and having nothing to show. I want a record, a reminder, a place to be accountable.

Update: I made it as far as Wednesday and then the whole thing fell apart. I should have just sat down and adjust and edited what I had after that but I felt like a failure and so ended up avoiding the whole thing. This can’t happen again though. Mistakes are okay, but given up in unacceptable.

Start an early morning workout, nothing too strenuous. I won’t begin until after the holiday, or until I am feeling a little better, so this goal only counts for Thursday and Friday at the least. I have been pledging all year to start a workout regimen and have failed miserably week after week but now that I am scheduling my time and getting used to getting up early even on my days off; I think an easy 20 minute work out before breakfast and a shower is a good place to start.

Update: I have it all written out, but I only completed one day. I think I need more time in the mornings than I have been giving myself and a space that makes me feel more comfortable. I’ve moved the weights back into the “creativity room”, put up the pull-up bar, and brought up a yoga mat too. Next week I there will be no excuse.

Make time for my plants and pets. The dog has been cooped up, he snakes are being neglected, and my plants are all looking a little limp and brown around the edges. Only the cat is thriving in this newfound independence my chronic illness has given them but even she wishes her litter box was cleaned a little more often. I haven’t been feeling well but they need me too and I have to stop being so selfish with all of my good hours.

Update: I wish the weather had been warmer to walk the dog in but she did get lots of cuddle time, a trip to the pet store, new toys, and treats. The cat is sleeping with me again and the snakes all got fresh clean substrate, nice big meals, and new hides to burrow in. All the plants were watered, pruned, and moved to more favorable lighting conditions as needed.

Post my end-of-year reflections and my beginning of year intentions and goals. I have them drafted but deciding what you want a whole year to look like before it’s even begun is a daunting task. I have no idea what kind of year 2020 will be or what kind of person I will be in it. I also know that whatever I say now will change within 3 months and be completely forgotten by August, anyway. Still, if I want to be more deliberate in my life, I have to try.

Update: I was simple a week too early. This goal was meant for Week 01, not week 52. Still, I did write the posts, mostly, and plan to share them on the days they are meant to go out. If I do it, I will come back and update this post to reflect that.

Enjoy my holiday! I’ve never been a big fan of Christmas or New Year’s. I’ve never liked winter and I’ve never taken much time off during the break. This year isn’t really an exception but I would like to make a little more of an effort. I’d like to look for the good, to see the bright lights, to eat good food, to feel warm and cheerful. It was a good year. I am surrounded by love and support, and looking forward to so many good things. I’d like to celebrate that too.

Update: Christmas was delightful! All my gifts made it to their intended destinations and recipients. I received some pretty neat things in exchange. There was plenty of good food, plenty to drink, plenty of laughter, and I was surrounded by so much warmth and love. I enjoyed every second, and I am relieved beyond words that it’s finally over.

This week I won’t let myself get too down. My health is weighing on my mind and weighing down my body but if I put rest first, eat what I know is good for me, keep a positive outlook, and allow myself to feel pride in accomplishing what I can rather than dwelling on what I can’t I know I can keep on putting one foot in front of the other though to the week’s end.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 51.

Photo by Katie Doherty on Unsplash

Goals // Week 51

This week is going to be a long one, I already know it, but there’s nothing I can do to speed it up or to make the hours less grueling so there is no point in dwelling or whining over it. Instead, I will focus on the moment rather than wishing for the weekend. I will give each of my tasks my best and when it’s time to rest, I will give that my best too.

This week I will:

Read 100 more pages of The Plague by Albert Camus. Having such limited energy level lately means that not only must my best hours be spent on the most physically taxing tasks but that the act of reading has become a rather potent sedative. To be too tired for books is a rather depressing way to live, and I’d rather make cuts elsewhere than go on like this another week.

Update: I did it but I’m not happy with how it went. I read the most on Monday making it halfway to my goal in the first day of the week, but every day after that I made less and less time for reading. What I’m trying to do is read a little every day. I want reading to be a habit. I want to treat each book like a marathon, not a sprint.

Stay on top of my meal and medication schedule. I’m still tweaking the regime and trying to find the best way to take all my medications and supplements that facilitates maximum absorption and effectiveness and results in as little nausea as possible. I’m doing well but the slightest distraction can mean skipped doses, missed meals, detrimental cravings, and debilitating fatigue. Bonus: Stay hydrated!

Update: It’s been so hard with work, with holiday festivities, time spent out shopping and with my withering appetite but I’m doing my best. I have the schedule down and the pills separated so that they are spread throughout the day. I take them with me wherever I go and I give myself permission to stop and eat when I can and where I can to make sure I stay on top of my health.

Schedule time to create a new “Bradbury prompts” list every day and write 1000 words. There is no goal beyond that. The words do not have to be good. They do not have to be interesting or even make sense. They do not even have to be published or shared. The goal is to practice the art of WORK RELAX DON’T THINK and all I need for that is a pen to write and paper to spill my thoughts onto.

Update: This is my greatest disappointment this week. Making the list last week really worked. It got me thinking, feeling, and writing in a way that I haven’t been able to in a long time. But writing, real writing, the kind that forces me to delve deep, feel my feelings, and then to expose myself to others is terrifying. I famously avoid anything that is hard or scary, so, I just didn’t make the tie and put the whole thing out of my head.

Finish my Christmas shopping and ship packages to out-of-town loved ones. It’s going to be hard but every day after work I am going to have to go back out into the world, fight the cold and the crowds, and get my gifting done. I have a few packages to ship but have little hope they will arrive on time. I just have to do my best.

Update: I’m done! I hated every second of it but I’m happy now knowing all the cute and fun things I bought are on their way to my loved ones across the country. I had hoped to send them a week earlier than I did to avoid the up charge to guarantee arrival by Christmas but I’m content knowing I wasn’t so late it was impossible all together.

Start a gratitude journal. Since I have been posting here (almost) daily I’ve severely neglected my physical journal. When I was journalling by hand regularly I used to end each day with a list of 5 good things that happened or that I felt, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. These things are often too personal for the internet which is why I haven’t continued the practice but I miss it. Time to get back to making gratitude a daily practice.

Update: I wanted to but to be honest, I wasn’t having a very good week and since the journal is a new one and I couldn’t bring myself to start out a new journal in such a negative time. Things have since improved. I have a better outlook and a lot more hope and excitement for the year to come. I am ready to start fresh for the new year.

This week I won’t let people who don’t have my best interests at heart get to me. I won’t let their bitterness push me to act out of character and I will remember that every opportunity I have I earned through hard work and passion. When I feel my frustration rising, I’ll isolate and immerse myself in my work and look toward a bright future I know is on the way.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 50.

Photo by Nicolas Moscarda on Unsplash

Goals // Week 50

This week I have a lot to get done, again, but not as much as last week. The new class of employees is just about done and by midweek I should start seeing more time for myself and I just hope to have the energy, the mental resources, and the emotional stability to focus on what is important when that time comes along.

This week I will:

Read 100 pages of The Plague by Albert Camus. Last week I didn’t get any reading done at all and while I already know I will fall far short of my reading goals for the year, I had hoped to end with at least two more books under my belt. So, this week I have to get back to it. I don’t think 20 pages a day is too much to ask of myself.

Update: I made it just over half way which was better than nothing so I won’t be too hard on myself. I just have so little energy right now that reading has become a chore. I’m actually really missing it and hoping that paring a cup of black or green tea with my reading time going forward will help perk me up and get me through the pages.

Stay on top of my meal and medication schedule. Between medications and supplements I’m up to at least 17 pills a day. Some of them have to be taken with food, some 30 minutes before I eat, and some make me so nauseous that they have to be spaced out as much as possible front the others. That means I can’t miss a meal, or eat too late, or forget a pill or I end up feeling cruddy or slipping back down hill. My health has to be the top priority now.

Update: I only missed one evening dose of my medication and between 17 pills and having to break my meals up into four a day rather than three I think that’s pretty good. I made some small tweaks to the schedule and wrote it down to keep with me so I won’t forget what to take when. Just 7 more weeks to go like this.

Begin my own list of what I have started calling “Bradbury prompts“. These are simple words or phrases pulled from the mind without too much forethought to kick start blog posts and essays. The list is the first step in the Ray Bradbury WORK RELAX DON’T THINK system. I’m looking for patterns, for concept groups, for my motivation and possibly a project.

Update: I did “start” but I failed to keep going. I did enjoy the exercise very much and saw immediately how it could save me time and help me start writing when I don’t know where to begin. Going forward I really want to make this something I schedule and do every day and follow the list up with 1000+ words toward an essay or blog post based on what pops out of my head and into the list.

Get the Christmas shopping finished for our out-of-town people. December is slipping away quickly and before you know it, the last day for gifts to arrive before Christmas will be long passed. I’m sending to small children and I cannot have them disappointed in on Christmas day when there is nothing from Auntie Lisa under the tree.

Finish my resume! There is a new opportunity coming up very quickly that I know I would be perfect for and I want to be ready but I am procrastinating, badly. I have started but I haven’t finished and half finished means nothing at all. This opportunity was made for me and I have only to be brave enough to reach out and seize it.

Update: I don’t even want to talk about it. I failed miserably to finish it and rather than let myself down again I have taken it off of my list for next week and pledged to revisit the document at home during my winter break. I’ve already added it as an even in my calendar and turned on multiple notifications with note proclaiming “No excuses!”

This week I—hopefully—will slowly be returning to my old self. The temptation will be to overdo it. I’ll want to eat foods I know I can’t eat, to do things that I know I can’t do, and to push myself too far too soon. The danger now is losing progress. This week I have to listen to my body over the needs of anyone else.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 49.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Goals // Week 49

This week I have a lot to get done both at work and at home and of course it is the worst week for so many projects and goals. My health isn’t good and my emotional state is even shakier. So, I have to learn to prioritise, to see what is really important, and to let the rest go. This week I want to:

Advocate for myself. The symptoms of ulcerative colitis can be embarrassing to talk about which makes it hard to explain to people what my limitations are and why but I have to do it. I have to be clear about my needs and I have to stand firm when they try to guilt me into doing what at best will cause me more pain and ate worse cause me further embarrassment.

Update: It was hard, but I did it. I learned my lesson from the week before and asked for help, only did what way my work to do and delegated the rest. I even took a day off! I called the doctor too and made sure I got help from her and, most importantly, I didn’t allow myself not to do what I needed to for me either.

Rest as much as possible. I have a busy scheduled ahead of me this week and if I want to have any hope of getting through it I have to take the time to rest when I can. I’ve got to lower my expectations. I’ve got to go to bed on time. I’ve got to stay home if I need to. It’s going to be hard. I always feel bad when I have to rest. I worry people will think I am lazy, lying, or weak, but I can’t worry about what people think anymore. If I don’t rest now, I will only be worse off later.

Update: I probably still worked more than I should have but when I got home at night I put myself on the couch with a heating pad, plenty of Gatorade, and a light dinner. I wasn’t able to get much cooking or cleaning in but that’s ok. Soon I will be back at it but for now, rest, rest, rest!

Not feel guilty for poor eating habits. Food doesn’t always make me feel better and I know that the longer I am in a flare the more avoidant of meals I will become. As long as I eat enough to take my medications and supplements on time and try my best to eat food with some nutritional value that will be good enough. I don’t have to do more and if I slip and do less it’s okay.

Update: I was hardly able to finish my meals and when the hunger and cravings came on I ate a lot of things that weren’t so easy on my gut. I could have done better, but it is hard and whenever we are fighting against ourselves mistakes are inevitable and laying on too much guilt won’t help. I messed up, but it’s ok. I messed up, but I’m doing better all the time.

Drink my coffee after I eat breakfast, if at all. I have to be easy on my belly now and filling it with acidic liquid and caffeine first thing in the morning is probably the worst thing I could be doing. I know if I quit cold turkey I’ll feel even cruddier so I’m going to slowly push back the time I drink it and then slowly lower the amount I drink. I love coffee but it has to become something of a treat more than a daily necessity.

Update: I sort of did this I sipped tiny amounts before breakfast a few days but almost every day I hardly had any coffee at all. In fact I blame the migraine from last Tuesday on a caffeine withdrawal.

Finish my resume. I’m running out of time, and excuses and the there will be no end to the depth of my disappointment if I do not finish this on time. I’m being given an opportunity though I’m not sure when exactly it will come. I only know that it will be soon. So I need to be ready now because soon can become now any minute and catch me unprepared. Get it done, now!

Update: I suck. I’m disappointed in myself but somehow that isn’t enough to change me. I will not fail though. I will not lose out because I refused to simply finish. I’m scared and I have to stop being scared that’s all there is to it.

This week I won’t ask too much of myself. I’m keeping the list short and leaving plenty of time for what I need to do and what I know I can do. This week I will sooth and forgive myself when things get hard or when I can’t complete a goal. I will keep my long-term health in mind and take care of myself first for the good of everyone.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 48.

Photo by Matt Palmer on Unsplash

Goals // Week 48

This week will be a short one. I’m scheduled to work just two days with the option for a third. I might take it, I might not. It sounds nice, but the tradeoff is that this week is also the week of Thanksgiving and the unofficial U.S. holiday known as “Black Friday”. When I’m not working, I’ll be stressing over making time for friends and family and making sure I’m doing enough to maintain my sense of self-worth. God, I hate the holidays.

This week I want to:

Practice gratitude. It is the week of Thanksgiving after all and while I don’t particularly like the way that US history has been warped around this holiday; the sentiment is useful. It is good for the heart and the spirit to take stock of all the good we gained and all the people who have helped us gain it. Look around and find contentment for a change in your little happinesses and comforts. There are many who don’t have nearly as much.

Update: Perhaps I should have written a post about it, perhaps I still will, but though I didn’t share I still took time to reflect on everything in my life that is good, even the things that don’t always seem good at first but are the kind of problems and stress that only the privileged have. I have a good life. I’m surrounded by good people. I have a good job. I have a good future ahead of me. I have a lot of good to give others and a so much more good yet to receive.

Write 1000 words a day. I just finished reading Ray Bradbury’s Zen in the Art of Writing and it left me with feeling enthusiastic and focused once again on writing as my true life’s work. Much of the book centered on the concept of simply sitting down and doing the work until the work becomes automatic and you can relax and allow your best ideas and prose to come forth. He advises it will take 1000 to 2000 words a day for several years to get there so it’s best to start as soon as possible.

Update: It was a rough week. Between the holiday, and shopping, visiting family, and all the rest I needed there wasn’t much time left over for more than a couple of blog posts here. I really shouldn’t have tried to do so much the week of Thanksgiving but I didn’t realize just how busy I would be and just how much chronic illness would take out of me. I’m disappointed because I know there won’t be much more opportunity than what I had this week for a long time to come.

Make some art. I didn’t think my little collages and poems really counts as art but my wife has been working hard to convince me otherwise. She enjoys them and she can see i enjoy making them. I’ve heard writers should have hobbies that do not involve working with words, perhaps this can be mine?

Update: The same as writing except perhaps I didn’t try as hard. I’m still working through the feeling that creating art is not considered productive nor a worthwhile way to spend my time. I know those things aren’t true but I don’t feel like those things aren’t true, you know. Whenever I sit down and make something my mind races with the work or the writing I could be doing instead. I’m trying to try harder.

Rest as much as possible. December starts next week, and that means a heavy work schedule, Christmas shopping, time with family and friends, and the start of a new year. It’s going to be busy and this will be the last week I will get to take so much time for myself and with my health declining little by little I think it’s best I take all I can get while I can get it.

Update: I probably needed more but absolutely made sure to sleep when I needed to and to do nothing when doing something felt overwhelming or exhausting. Have you ever noticed that it is harder to rest than it is to work, to clean, to run errands, to work out, to go out, to do anything else at all? Have you noticed how guilty it makes us feel to care for ourselves? It kills me every time to feel so useless, lazy, and weak.

Begin a body weight workout. I’ve been trying for months to start a simple workout routine at home but I never can seem to find the space, or the energy. When I get home, from work, without even thinking, I end up in the living room, on the couch, in front of the T.V. my weights and my goals forgotten in the spare bedroom. This week the weights are getting moved. I’m bringing them into the livingroom where I can see them and be reminded.

Update: Obviously no. I was able to move the weights into the livingroom and I even spoke with my wife about making time to work out together after work. I entertained the idea of waking up just a half hour early and started to really feel good about the idea, but my body will not cooperate and I know that exercise, being a kind of stress, would not be a good idea while I am feeling poorly. Perhaps in a few weeks?

This week I will work on being proactive rather than reactive. The best way to fight anxiety is with a plan, the second best is with action. I won’t let my mind run wild and I certainly won’t put my worries in charge.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 47.

Photo by Simon Goetz on Unsplash

Goals // Week 47

This week shouldn’t be any more difficult than the last. I have the same amount of work scheduled and the same surplus of free time. The trick will be the same as the trick always is, to be mindful of how I spend my time, to keep at it even when I don’t want to, and to be fiercely protective of my focus.

This week I want to:

Listen to more music. I love finding new playlists to listen to while I work or write or read but lately, I have had to be so available for others that there is no time to tune out and focus. But, as someone who suffers from social anxiety and a tendency to overthink and succumb to irritable moods, music is a vital recalibration tool. Music is self-care. Bonus: Listen to more podcasts too!

Update: I made sure that when I was home, while cooking or washing dishes, I listened to a few songs at least. While I was at work I played my podcasts too though I dealt with so many interruptions that I can’t recall half of what I learned. Thank god for 1.5x listening speed!

Find a little spark for my next piece on Zen and Pi. I am excited to be publishing writing outside of my daily journals and life updates here but I’m feeling pretty low on direction and ideas at the moment. This week I will spend some time with pen and paper mind mapping and listing even the most uninteresting or absurd ideas. I would love to end the week with 5 things I’m excited to expand on.

Update: I found a small spark but I haven’t been able yet to coax it into a finished piece. I suppose that is okay. I told myself that as long as I made the effort every day I could take as long as I needed to publish any new pieces.

Get through the first half of The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. I finished Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky last night—finally!—and I’ve already picked up the next book. The Song of Achilles wasn’t supposed to be my next read, but I feel the need to switch gears and lose myself in fiction for a while.

Update: I got through ALL of The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller and the Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury too! I only wish I had had this zest and enthusiasm for reading months ago then I might not be so far behind my goal for the year.

Continue waking up on time every morning. I’ve been doing so well in the mornings and I really want that to continue for as long as possible. This week I’m going to remember that getting ready for any day begins the night before and that “5 more minutes” in bed never feels good and does great damage to the rest of the day.

Update: Why are mornings so hard for me? I’ve been working this early schedule for over 13 years now. When will I finally get used to the routine? Never probably. Oh well, all I can do is keep trying.

Finish my resume and prepare for an upcoming interview. This is exactly the kind of task that I would avoid doing until the last minute. I’ve never had a resume before. I don’t know what I am doing, I’m afraid of looking foolish, and I am afraid of failing. At the same time, I know it won’t actually take very long. My mind will convince me it’s ok to put it off. Do not listen! Bonus: Ask two or three trusted coworkers for a letter of recommendation too.

Update: I’m scared and feeling a little inadequate and avoidance is the only way I know how to cope. I have to stop though and before the end of Thanksgiving break I will have this done.

This week I’m going to build on the progress from last week but only an incremental amount, that is key! I’m still not feeling like my healthier self and I fear I’m getting worse all the time. I fear burnout, overstressing, and exhaustion. I fear there’s a high possibility that by midweek I’ll have done all I can and I’ll have to cut these goals short just to get through the workweek, and that will have to be okay.

P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 46.

Photo by Bruno van der Kraan on Unsplash

Goals // Week 46

This week should be a lot easier than the last two with my work responsibilities winding down for a while and I plan to spend that time catching up on all the time I missed spending on my own hobbies and personal pursuits.

This week I want to:

Take care of myself. I’ve stressed my mind and body too much and skipped too many doses of my medication these last couple of weeks. Moving forward my sleep, food, and medication schedules have to become my top priorities again. Also, as a consequence of my self-neglect, I need to contact my doctor and discuss my returning symptoms before things get any worse.

Update: I made sure to keep my work schedule light, to go to bed on time, to eat my meals on time, to move my body a little more, to get outside a little, and, most importantly, to take my medication. I wasn’t perfect, but I was so much better than the last two weeks. I count that as a win.

Walk on the warm days. The weather forecast is predicting six out of the next seven days will see near 60-degree highs. I know that nothing eases seasonal depression like the warmth, sunshine, and exercise. Soon there will be days and days where the cold wind will blow and the clouds will stick around. Fight the melancholy while you can!

Update: I’ve been feeling so tired that dedicating any block of time to walking felt beyond any amount of energy I could muster. I did make an effort to take short walks between the buildings at work throughout the day but because I didn’t even hit my step counts goals I can’t count it as a win.

Finish reading the last of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky. I have less than 150 pages left now and if I buckle down and read a little every day, I could finally move on to something else, something I’m looking forward to desperately.

Update: I did it! Just before bedtime Sunday night I turned the last page of the nearly 1000 page volume and set it down for the last time. I loved the book and I plan to write a proper review soon. I even plan to read it again, next year perhaps, but right now all I want to do is start a new book, The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller, something to get lost in.

Post a short introductory post to Zen and Pi. I purged the site over the weekend in preparation for a new beginning and like a new notebook or a pristine canvas, it’s only after you’ve marred the perfection that you can allow for creativity and mistakes.

Update: It not very good, and it’s not very interesting, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and it isn’t even exactly what I had hoped to say when I started it but it’s up. I plan to post more, weekly, maybe, or closer to monthly, probably, but as often as I can for sure. I only need to work at it every day and to remember that the goal is to get each piece just 80% where I want it.

Mark everything off of my to-do list every day. My list isn’t very intense. It’s just one or two small things to do both during my breaks at work and after I get home from work. I’d like to get these small things done during the week rather than saving all the small things for the weekends and leaving no time for larger projects or time to get out and do something fun.

Update: I was doing really well at first, but just after midday on Thursday I’d lost the momentum. I want to say I got 50% through my weekly list but that might be a little too generous. In my defense, it was the first week since I merged all my lists and put so much effort into completing so many tasks. I made progress.

This week I won’t be too hard on myself and I won’t ask too much of myself either. I need to destress. I need to take a break. I need to focus on me while I can. That isn’t a weakness, and that isn’t wasting time. It’s being protective, disciplined, and healthy, and it’s admirable.

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash