Goals // Week 14: Find a Way to Stay Sane

This week will marks our third of social isolation. I had hoped it might get easier as time went on and as I settled into acceptance and a new routine, but it has only gotten harder. I am surprised to find I do not have the urge to leave or to find things to do, but rather I’m fighting a strong desire to sink further and further into apathy and lethargy. I’m also experiencing irritability and mood swings and a new kind of anxiety that, though it is duller and less defined, is quite large and widespread. This week I expect things will get harder not just for me but for everyone, everywhere and we will all have to find a way to stay sane through it all.

This week I will:

Practice more self-care. When you have nowhere to go, it’s easy to let yourself go. For me work has always been my reason to wake up on time, to shower, to get dressed, to do my hair. Without the prompt of going to work, I found I simply forgot that I still needed to do those things. It will be late in the day when I remember I’m still wearing pajamas and haven’t eaten anything at all. This week I want to start a new “wake up” routine in which I carefully and deliberately take care of my basic needs before doing anything else.

 Teach the dog to roll over. The dog has been loving all the extra walks, extra play time, extra attention and cuddle time she’s been getting and I figure why not take it a step further and make it extra learning time too? She already knows sit, lay down, stand up, turn around, shake, back up, jump up, fetch, and “drop it”, but roll over has eluded her. She loathes to be on her back and most of my efforts so far to teach her have resulted in confusion and frustration for us both. I have a new technique though and I think this week we just might get it.

 Be more active and see more of the sun. The mornings are still too chilly to get back to my old jogging habit but the afternoons have been warming by the day and are just as good a time as any for me to get out and around the neighborhood. I’ve been too cooped up and though I crave to sink further into this isolation, the best thing I can do for my mood and spirit is to remember there is still a wide world out there to return to. I need to get out of this house and out of my head, and the only way is to grab the dog and spend some time in the sun and spring air.

Spend time away from screens. I had been doing a commendable job curbing my obsessive consumption of news in an effort to quell my anxiety but over the last few days I’ve slipped back into my old bad habit of watching, scrolling, and searching for updates all day long. These devices are just too tempting to misuse, and it’s too easy to make excuses to get around my own rules and boundaries. This week I will set up a schedule for screen time and tie that I am to put away my devices and find more analog things to do with my time.

Finish reading It by Stephen King and book eight from my Penguin Little Black Classics book set, A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. I’ve been getting a lot more reading time in these past couple of weeks, and I cannot let myself lose the momentum. I have just over 100 pages to go now for It and less than 10 for A Modest Proposal. Those are both entirely reachable goals for the week. If I keep up this pace, I’m sure to catch up and ultimately get ahead of where I should be by now if I want to beat my 50 book challenge for the year. Bonus: Finish book nine too, Three Tang Dynasty Poets.

Get more cleaning done. I have been lax about disinfecting the house, especially after either my wife or I has left and come back or after bringing in items from the store or having items delivered to the house. I’ve read a lot of different timelines for how long the novel coronavirus can live on various surfaces but the CDC had a handy page of guidelines for how to clean different type of surfaces and materials and recommends going over “high touch” areas daily. The is the second most important thing I can do for my family right now, the first is to…

Stay home. It’s hard to stay in and when we start feeling cabin fever coming on and loneliness creeping in we make excuses for why it’s okay to head out for a little non-essential travel. I’ve seen videos of people visiting friends and family and congregating far too closely in public spaces. I’ve been guilty myself of going to stores not just for groceries but to simply browse the aisles, anything just to get out of the damn house! But doing these things puts us all at risk and the truth is no matter what your gut tells you it just isn’t worth it.

This week I will not let the walls close in. This past week the President announced that the CDCs social distancing recommendations would be extended through the month of April and I have serious doubts I will return to work before the summer. That means I have to make peace with this seclusion and find a way to joy and fulfillment within this tiny space. I have to learn to self start, self motivate, and self sooth. I have to get used to not having time away, or alone. I have to use my imagination and to start where I am using whatever I have on hand.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 13.

Photo by Jason Krieger on Unsplash

Goals // Week 13: Loose Expectations and Broad Guidelines

This week marks the beginning of my “extended Spring break” and the second week of social isolation. The days are very much running together and I am finding it hard to establish a schedule or settle into a routine. How can I when I don’t know from day to day how things may change? How can I when there’s nothing to do but worry about yourself, about your loved ones, about every damned thing in the world? Still, I have to try. I have to put together some loose expectations or some broad guidelines on how I should spend these days away from the rest of the world and my work. I have to do something to stay sane.

This week I will:

Spend at least an hour a day in the “creativity room”. While a month of binge-watching whatever Netflix keeps trying to get me to watch while scrolling through a rotation of social media apps sounds great, I would really like to make better use of my time even if I’m not sure yet what it is I want to do or accomplish. I’m not putting too much pressure on myself for output I know that nothing good—nothing at all—will come from spending my days on the couch. I have to get up, get ready, and get to a place where I can find the work I want to do.

Update: I tried to stay motivated and productive, but I underestimated how much staying at home all day every day would affect me. There were many days when I hardly left the couch, hardly ate, and hardly took care of myself. So, I did get in the “creativity room” for a little while there were many more days where I simply couldn’t fight my way out of anxiety or melancholy to make any progress. It’s surprising how much it turns out that I need other people to cheer and focus me.

 Set alarms for daily activities. I didn’t realize how much of my days were decided by my day job. I didn’t realize that all my prompt, my cravings, my wants, needs, and thoughts were all decided around the hours I worked. Now that I have no hours I can’t for the life of me remember what I am supposed to do and when. I used to have alarms on my phone for things like meals, medicine, even water and walking breaks because I would get so caught up in what I was doing. I think it’s time I go back to that.

Update: The alarms have been set to remind me to wake, to take medication, and to go to sleep. I’d like to add more, to utilize reminders for other regular chores and to-do items, and to start setting timers to help me move through reading, writing, and cleaning, to remind me to work through one task at a time, and to keep track of what tasks are next. Habits are hard to establish, and there is no shame in seeking help.

 Complete one small house project. The laundry room is in desperate need of a deep clean. The basement storage area needs purging. The water heater needs to be drained for the season, and the roof over the back deck needs repairs. Those are just a few off the top of my head projects I could do around the house to pass the time, keep my mind occupied, and achieve a feeling of accomplishment and usefulness. More than writing, or reading, or finishing a course, this would be the best use of my time stuck at home.

Update: Again, it’s been hard to find the motivation, but the energy has eluded me too. I did have my infusion this week, and perhaps I was asking too much of myself after being pumped full of medication. I’m always a little fatigued after these things, and I failed to remember that. Luckily the feeling fades quickly and I should feel a little more myself in the coming days.

Read to page 900 of It by Stephen King. I’m making a lot of progress through tis book so far, and if I keep up the pace, I could very easily finish this massive novel by the end of next week. The trick is to give up some social media time and devote it to reading time, which hasn’t been so hard now that I’m limiting my access to the news. I’ve moved my news check time to 5:00 PM and around 7:00 I put my phone away and take out my book until it’s time for bed. Bonus: Finish two books from my Little Black Classics set and choose an ebook to download and read from my old iPad.

Update: I’ve been spending time reading almost every evening and a couple of days I made sure to read away from the TV and from my phone in order to avoid any distraction. The effort paid off, and I was able to make it all the way to page 1,045 and have just over 100 left to go. I decided to focus fully on reading It since it’s such a long book and skip the catching up on my Penguin Little Black Classics. Going forward I am going to keep my reading goals much more narrowed and focused until I can finally move on from this tome.

Keep in touch with my family and friends. Last Friday, I checked in on my friends. Yesterday my dad called and last night my wife and I joined a “family day” call on Snapchat. My cousin calls regularly to check in on us, and I’ve been texting my mom every other day or so. I miss everyone so much and I am so worried all the time for them, but it helps to call, connect, and vent. It helps to hear they are fine, they are hopeful, they are getting through it the same as me. For my mental health, and for their’s too, it’s important not to forget to reach out.

Update: Time simply got away from me and I didn’t get to make all the calls I wanted to. Most of the checking in I did was after others had called me which was good but if I’m honest was not what I meant when I set this goal. I am happy to report that as of right now all my close friends and family are still feeling well and many were able to begin working from home and others who were without work found temporary work.

Stay well, emotionally and physically. I haven’t been feeling great these past few days and I’m really worried about either contracting the virus or falling back into an ulcerative colitis flare because I am worried about the virus. I’ve already been washing my hands more, using hand sanitizer, and drastically limiting my exposure to the general public, but there’s more I need to do for me too. I have to take all of my medications and my supplements on time. I have to eat regularly and eat healthy. I have to limit my access to the news, and I may even start meditating again. I should get out and walk around the block more, see the sun, forget the crisis all around me.

Update: I haven’t been great at taking all of my medications or eating meals on time but progress was definitely made. I made it to my infusion appointment, ordered all of my medications that were getting low, and took every precaution when I had to leave the house. My wife and I are both feeling well and avoiding leaving the house as much as possible. I’m still very worried that in a week or so one or both of us will come down with symptoms but all I can do is take it day by day and today we are as well physically and emotionally and anyone can expect.

This week I will not feel guilty for enjoying this time. I have flashes of happiness and contentment over my spontaneous staycation away from work, and I almost always feel bad for it. People are suffering and dying, losing money and losing their homes, and I’m not, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to be happy either. Who knows what hardships are in my future too and the truth is any shred of joy or even peace that I can find now may be just the kind of memory I will need to hold on to later when times turn rougher and more uncertain.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 12.

Photo by kyler trautner on Unsplash

The Week’s End // Coronavirus Edition

This week has been overwhelming, to say the least. A lot of us have been away from work, friends and family, and a lot of us have been working overtime to keep society moving and to care for those most in need. The weekend is on the way now, and my hope is that all of us get a chance to rest and to catch up.

I know we’re all tired of hearing about the coronavirus but I felt it was important to do my part this week by sharing a round up of thoughtful, informative, and trustworthy articles and information on the rapidly spreading virus and our current situation.

I promise that if I post a round-up next week, it will be about anything but this pandemic, but for now, here are some interesting things on the coronavirus outbreak I found around the web this week:

Ballet dancer and performer Ashlee Montague of New York wears a gas mask while she dances in Times Square as the coronavirus outbreak continues in Manhattan, New York City, on March 18, 2020. — The Atlantic, Photos of the Week

1. “‘The Plague’ isn’t trying to panic us, because panic suggests a response to a dangerous but short-term condition from which we can eventually find safety. But there can never be safety—and that is why, for Camus, we need to love our fellow damned humans and work without hope or despair for the amelioration of suffering. Life is a hospice, never a hospital.” — Opinion | Camus on the Coronavirus Bonus: What We Can Learn (and Should Unlearn) From Albert Camus’s The Plague

2. “The Centers for Disease Control recommends we all take steps to clean and sanitize high-touch surfaces in our homes. Below, we get into the weeds of how long the virus might last on surfaces, which disinfectants may kill it, and the steps you should take to keep clean.” — How to Disinfect Everything: Coronavirus Home Cleaning Tips

3. “But social distancing is really better characterized as physical distancing — the social part of it just needs to become more virtual for the time being. Social solidarity has never been more needed.” — Coronavirus: Why social distancing is a thankless task

4. “No one would ever wish for a pandemic to create this scene, which is inextricable from an unfolding financial collapse, extreme social isolation and an untold cost in lives. Yet as leaders grapple with how to heal society in the wake of this extraordinary crisis, and prepare for a future that still includes climate change, it might offer an image of what is possible.” — The Mobility Impacts of Coronavirus

5. “This is not the last major outbreak we’re ever going to see. There’s going to be more outbreaks, and there’s going to be more epidemics. That’s not a maybe. That’s a given. And it’s a result of the way that we, as human beings, are interacting with our planet.” — Why COVID-19 is hitting us now—and how to prepare for the next outbreak

6. “The novel coronavirus is affecting more and more people every day. Businesses are closing. Jobs are on the line. The Red Cross is running low on blood supply. Fortunately, there are ways to help ease some of the burden for others.” — Coronavirus pandemic: 6 things you can do to help Bonus: Go to smile.amazon.com and choose a charity to support with a small percentage of anything you buy.

7. “So now isn‘t a time for panic, but it is a time for preparation—to be ready for weeks or even months when much is shut down.” — Preparing to shelter in place for coronavirus: A printable guide to what you need at home

8. “All over America, the coronavirus is revealing, or at least reminding us, just how much of contemporary American life is bullshit, with power structures built on punishment and fear as opposed to our best interest. Whenever the government or a corporation benevolently withdraws some punitive threat because of the coronavirus, it’s a signal that there was never any good reason for that threat to exist in the first place.” — The coronavirus is exposing the arbitrary, cruel realities of America’s rules.

9. “Hence, today, there is almost no sphere or arena of American life in which the values of predatory capitalism don’t predominate or monopolize. Because society is made up more or less only of predatory capitalism, only those values can ever be expressed. Not even in, say, media, not healthcare, not education — which, in other rich countries, because they are not run for profit, are arenas in which softer and gentler qualities can be expressed, like decency, reason, dignity, purpose, meaning, belonging, truth, care, mercy.” — The Origins of America’s Unique and Spectacular Cruelty

10. “That said, the president and his administration are responsible for grave, costly errors, most especially the epic manufacturing failures in diagnostic testing, the decision to test too few people, the delay in expanding testing to labs outside the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and problems in the supply chain. These mistakes have left us blind and badly behind the curve, and, for a few crucial weeks, they created a false sense of security.” — Peter Wehner: The Trump Presidency Is Over

Brad Montague (via swissmiss)

Have you read, watched, written, or posted an interesting or inspiring thing this week? Has something on the internet made you feel strongly, think deeply, or see the world in a new light? If so, drop a link in the comments, we’d love to check it out!


Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Goals // Week 12: Peace and Productivity

This week, despite all the bad news and the spreading novel coronavirus outbreak, will be a good week. Spring has arrived, the weather is sunny and warm, and I don’t have to work at all. I’m still riding the high of my promotion being made official and I have at least two events I’ve been looking forward to coming up, including a St. Patrick’s Day movie party at my favorite theater. I know I am supposed to be practicing social distancing and isolation, but I promise you I am taking all proper precautions. I’m looking forward to peace and productivity.

This week I will:

Read for one hour every day. I’ve fallen behind in my reading goals for the past couple of weeks or more, but now that I’m home for an extended Spring break I will have plenty of time to catch up. I had hoped to be finished or nearly finished with It by now but the book is so long and Stephen King is so long-winded in this one that I am finding it hard to keep up any pace at all. I’m over halfway through though and I cannot allow too much time to pass or for the time I’ve invested to be wasted.

Update: To be honest I did not read every day but instead I’m marking it done by counting my time through averages. There were days when all I did was read, and there were days when I didn’t read at all. I made a lot of progress and even though I’ve fallen “two books behind schedule” I know it’s only because this particular one is so long. I fully expect to start catching up in the next week are two.

 Write two blog posts. One for my personal blog here and for my other blog, Zen and Pi. I’ve been wanting to both write more substantial pieces here and to turn Z+P into a proper publication, but since I have been working my ass off to earn this promotion, I simply haven’t had the time. Well, I finally earned that promotion and now it’s time to find a proper balance between my day job and my personal pursuits. It’s time to pick a direction and do the work for me.

Update: This goal and all writing goals I have set for my blogs have been too big and too broad. Going forward I am going to start breaking them down into steps like: Choose 2 prompts or concepts to explore. Free write for one hour around these topics. Find key concepts and organize them. Find supporting quotes, ect. This week I chose a couple of prompts and I have spent time free writing on both. This will get easier!

 Walk at least three days this week. It’s going to be hard to practice social distancing and isolation and to cope with all the time away from work. To keep from going stir crazy, it might help to get out in the sun and around the neighborhood for a few minutes every afternoon. The extended forecast predicts warm temperatures through Thursday, and after that we’re looking at drizzle through Sunday. Better take advantage of the good days while you can so the cold and lonely ones won’t be so bad.

Update: I only managed to get out and around the neighborhood for one day and although there were a few days of frigid and snowy weather I could have done much better. I have to find a time that works for me. The mornings are preferable, but they are still too cold. The afternoons are warmer, but I am too tired by then. The closer we get to summer the easier this will be, but for now I still have to force it.

Get through my CPR Instructor’s course. I had thought that my class would be canceled but according to their website all classes are still on but extra precautions are being taken. I’ll be expected to wash my hands as soon as I enter the building and then to use hand sanitizer, alcohol, and gloves, and to keep my own personal mask and one-way valve. I was already nervous about the class itself, but now I’m worried about the virus too, but I can’t let my anxiety get to me. I can’t panic or let opportunities slip by.

Update: I really had nothing to worry about. The class was easy and enjoyable and getting through it really boosted my confidence in both my skills and my ability to teach those skills to others. I’m really excited to return to work and to start practicing the process of certifying others to help save lives.

Finish my taxes. I was supposed to have the forms filled out and sent off a month ago, but I’ve been doing that thing I always do when I’m afraid. I’ve been avoiding it, putting it off, forgetting it, and telling myself there is plenty of time, that there are more important things, that it can wait, wait, wait. Well, I can’t wait anymore. There are new goals and bigger milestones I want to meet financially and I cannot move forward with those goals until I get this done, taken care of, and paid.

Update: I got as far as I could for now, and I am happy to report that the damage is not any worse than I expected it to be. I was happy to hear the IRS has relieved some pressure on all of us and extended the deadline, though I still have every intention of finishing before April 15th. I feel better knowing where we stand and knowing that next year will be so much better for us both.

Limit access to the news. Yes, there is a pandemic happening and every day there is new information, guidelines, and closings I need to be aware of but staying connected 24/7 has really taken a toll on my mental health and I need to step away if I’m going to be able to make it through these difficult, confusing, and terrifying times. I have to unplug, step away, and redirect for more of my day. I have to focus inward, on the immediate, on what is close and what is under my control.

Update: This has been a lot easier to do than I thought it would be. I went from running CBS News all day and obsessively refreshing local news Twitter accounts to listening for one hour in the morning tops and checking those Twitter accounts only after 4 or 5 in the evening. It helps when you accept that between those times not much is happening or being reported anyway, and all you are hearing is either redundant or speculation.

This week I will not panic. Life as we know it is changing every day. More and more people are testing positive for the virus and more and more are undiagnosed cases are suspected. The stores are out of the essentials we all need and everyday social restriction grow tighter and tighter. This week, I will not let despair and worry get the better of me. I will not let listlessness and loneliness keep me from using this time wisely. I will not lose patience with myself. I will not try to control what I can’t. I will not forget that we will all get through this together, if separately. I will not forget there is light at the end of this tunnel, somewhere.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 11.

Photo by kyler trautner on Unsplash

Goals // Week 10: We’re Going to Be Okay

This week is going to be much like the last few. I’ll have long hours and plenty of work to fill them with. I’ll have few hours left for me and even less energy to make much use of them. This pace is growing tiresome, and it’s getting harder and harder to fend off burnout but I’m trying to remember that when all else is out of my control I can still control my reaction. I owe it to my coworkers and more than them I owe it to myself to fake that enthusiasm and energy until it becomes real.

This week I will:

Stay present in the moment, do my best to maintain perspective, and practice gratitude at the end of every day. It’s going to be another long and stressful one, but that’s okay. I can make it. It’s not so bad. All of our problems are simply reminders of our blessings and I am grateful for the responsibility because it signals respect. I am grateful for the work because it means I can care for my family and provides opportunities to find purpose. I’m grateful for my conflicts and difficulties because it means there is room to grow. I’m grateful to have another week to make it through at all.

Read 100 pages of It by Stephen King. I had hoped to reach at least the half through these 1,150 pages by now but with this book being so big I can’t carry it around with me when I go out the way I have other books. That means reading time is limited, and it’s going to take me a little longer than usual to finish. That’s ok though. I have my Penguin Little Black Classics set and working my way through those tiny books is a much easier endeavor. If I make the time that is. Distraction has been hard to overcome lately. Mindfulness and limiting screen time are crucial this week.

Write for one hour every day without distraction. That hour can fall anywhere within the day, before work, during my lunch, after work, before bedtime, whenever, the point is that it must be completely distraction free. One tab with a text box for writing, a “lofi hiphop” Spotify playlist going in the background, and a timer set so that I won’t even have to glance at the clock. I’m shooting for one hour but I knw there will be days when that is asking a lot so, in the spirit of this year’s motto (Everything counts!) I will accept a half an hour as long as that is my best.

 Create a blackout poem. I have 3 pages of solid text torn from a magazine I’ve been carrying around for weeks I’ve been meaning to mine for new poems but I’ve just been too lazy and forgetful to look over them. It easy to put it off, to opt to watch T.V. or to find some chore or to-do item that’s more urgent instead, but this is my meditation. This is how I return to the present. This is how I slow down and give my mind and body a chance to reconnect. This is how I unplug. It’s as important as food, water, medication, and writing.

Drink more water! Who knew Gatorade could be so addictive? I can go a day or three without it but because water isn’t as refreshing or as flavorful when I don’t have Gatorade I often have nothing at all. I’ve noticed a dry throat and cracked lips returning and as someone with a chronic illness, intermittent anemia, vitamin deficiencies, and a suppressed immune system I cannot afford dehydration on top of all my other issues. One full bottle of water a day at least for now and no more Gatorade at all after the bottle already in the fridge.

 Not panic. Between the Democratic primaries and the coronavirus there has been much in the news to be anxious about lately and every day seems to get worse and worse. And the problem isn’t just online or just on the news. Every person I speak to has something to say about either or both and none of it is ever positive. It’s hard to think about anything else right now but what we can’t see is that though everything that is happening is very serious nothing is the end of the world, not yet at least. Chances are we’re going to be okay.

This week I will not let others pull me into their negativity, nor will I allow the actions of others to impact my mood, focus, or motivation. I will not be pushed to distraction, pushed off my path, or pushed to think or behave in ways that do not align with my values or goals. I can’t control other people and to be honest what other people do or don’t do, though frustrating and disappointing, has very little to do with me. All I can do is my best and at the end of each day that has to be enough.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 09.

Photo by Bailey Zindel on Unsplash

Goals // Week 09: My Own Worst Enemy

This week I may be looking at a lot more free time than I’ve had in weeks and I do not want to waste it. I want to write, or at least to complete those tasks that have been looming over me. This week I have to be mindful, willful, and fierce in my defence of my focus and my boundaries. I have to be hard on those who would distract me and harder on myself still. I am my own worse enemy and my most clever and insidious saboteur.

This week I will:

Read 200 pages of It by Stephen King. I’m nearly 400 pages into the tome and I’m desperately trying to reach the approximate 600 page midway point. I didn’t read as many days last week as I’d hoped to but the days I did pick it up I was able to read quickly and blast through over 50 pages in a sitting easily. If I did this every night and shot for just 30 or 40 pages I could hit the halfway point by Sunday and perhaps glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel. Bonus: Finish reading A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.

Turn a few of those notes scribbled on scrap paper that I call “ideas” into post drafts and choose one to explore and write 1000 words on. The desk in my “creativity room” is overflowing with notes on post-its, scrap paper, napkins, envelopes, and notebooks most of which I’ve waited so long to revisit that I cannot recall the context or meaning but if even 1% of those ideas is viable, I would have a wealth of concepts to write about. It’s time I start digging into the heap and turn the fragments into fully realized pieces.

 Start a distraction journal. A schedule and a plan mean nothing if when it comes time to sit down and do the work all you can think about is the 100 other small things you have to do (or could be doing instead). I’m one of those people that writes two sentences and then gets up to do the dishes or switches tabs to check my email or picks up my phone to send a text and never gets back to the work. I’d like to keep a journal, or at least a piece of scrap paper next me where I can unload these impulses and thoughts onto, and then when the work is finally done I can devote guilt free time to these little tasks.

Finish my taxes. I have no excuse why this isn’t done yet except that I just keep forgetting to do them. It’s a daunting task and there are so many things to get done that feel more urgent. My mind is a limited space and the immediate tends to outweigh the important. What I fail to realize is that “immediate” should not have a monopoly over “important” and I have to be more mindful and more willful about what needs to get done “now”.

 Vote. Just like my taxes my mind pushes my ballot to the back burned with the excuse that there is much to do now and this is both simple, straightforward, and not immediate. I have plenty of time so why not put it off in favor of what has to get done now? The problem is there is always more to do now and often what is not immediate or urgent becomes so from too much stalling. Either that or it is forgotten entirely until it’s too late. Avoid the guilt and the regret. Do it now and be done with it.

Be mindful of how much of my time I give away. I love hanging out with my friends and coworkers but sometimes we get carried away and a short visit takes up two hours or more of the day and when that starts to become a daily habit I lose a lot of time I could devote elsewhere. Of course I still need to see them, to laugh, to vent, to feel a part of a group and community but there has to be balance.

Schedule weekly phone calls with my loved ones. I’ve been carrying so much guilt about how much time passes between talking with my family and friends. The guilt builds up and the longer I take the harder it is to make the call but I desperately want to be the one that keeps the ties of my family and relationships strong. I want to be a part of people’s lives. I want my loved ones to know I love them; I think of them, and it matters to me what is going on in their lives.

This week I will not allow the failures of the past to keep me from moving forward. It’s no secret I struggle with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. It takes me longer than most to recover from even the smallest mistakes and missteps and in my despair I lose passion, drive, and focus. This week I will work hard to talk to myself and understand my mistakes as I would a close friend or loved one. I will not engage in the self depreciating talk I have in the past. I will not give up on myself.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 08.

Photo by Drew Lindsley on Unsplash

Goals // Week 08: Find My Footing

This week I have a little break from all the expectations and obligations that have long become routine. The weekend is a long one. I have an extra day off from work and the next class of new employees won’t begin with me for more than a week more. That means I have a chance to stop and think. I have a chance to look ahead and to find my footing before I take another step. 

This week I will:

Get well. I’ve been fighting a bad cold for over a week now and I’m feeling like I’ve fought my way through the worst of it and might just be on the mend. But I do have a chronic illness and the medications I take to have an impact on my immune system. If I’m not careful, if I don’t take care of myself by managing my stress levels, eating well, staying hydrated, and eating well this cold could gain a stronghold again or I could very easily catch something else.

Update: I’m feeling 100% again and the memory of that sinus pain and congestion misery is already fading. I did my best to stay hydrated and made sure to take (most of) my supplements often and on time. I’ve been sick a lot this season but nothing like that last cold and it’s left me with a bit of anxiety and paranoia. I’m sterilizing everything and washing my hands raw trying to avoid another infection.

Make a plan. I have neglected my calendars and to-do lists quite badly lately and as a result, no progress has been made. In my defense, my work life has been a bit chaotic and my health has made it impossible to maintain energy or focus outside of my obligations but the excuses aren’t holding up any longer. I know if I can make a plan I can find a way to do one small thing a day at least. It’s time to really try again.

Update: I made progress, but I did not stick with it. I have a list and a calendar now but they are not fully filled in and I have made little effort to keep either in front of me rendering both completely useless. But, progress is progress, and even if I only just keep filling it in every week for a while something ought to stick in my brain at some point.

 Read 150 pages of It by Stephen King. I’m sure I could make it further than that especially since I have decided to make T.V. time the new reading time these past couple of weeks. But I would like to move on through another book or two in my Penguin Little Black Classics set so I’ll have to split my time between It and Wailing Ghosts by Pu Songling and settle for fewer pages of one so I can enjoy a little of both.

Update: I did get a couple of good reading days in but only made it about 80 pages toward my goal. I found myself very distracted both on my breaks at work and at home. My schedule kept shifting and changing and it never felt like a good time to pull such a heavy book out and start reading. I was able to finish Wailing Ghosts though and that counts for something.

Complete my Heartsaver Instructor Essentials Online course. Before I can take the hands-on CPR and First Aid instructor course I have to complete the online potion. I’ve been putting it off because I’m nervous about it but my class is just a few weeks away and I do not want to mess up my opportunity to become an instructor because of a little irrational fear. This is a great opportunity for me, and I have to be brave, focused, and proactive and if I can’t be those things I better pretend until I am.

Update: It was long, and it was incredibly boring but I got it done. I did gain a lot of useful information about the process of teaching a CPR class which is very different from attending a class and learning CPR. Weirdly the new knowledge only made me feel more anxious rather than comforting me but I’m trying to tell myself that I am excited, not afraid.

Vote. I’m so grateful that the great state of Colorado makes it so easy to vote. We have early voting and mail-in ballots. We have 24-hour ballot drop off sites all over the city and here independents are allowed to vote in the primaries. So, I have no excuse not to participate in this election or any other. But sometimes when things are easy to do they are even easier to forget.

Update: I simply forgot. I know who I’m voting for and I only have one little circle to fill in before folding the ballot back up and dropping it off on the way to some other errand or destination. It’s simple, too simple. It’s so simple my mind considers it insignificant and not worth the effort of committing to memory. This is exactly why I have to keep that calendar and to-do list in front of me.

Write something, anything. I don’t necessarily have to write here and I don’t necessarily have to write to share. I can write something privately. I can write something that’s boring, unimportant, confusing, and bad. I can write as little or as much as I want or can and I can type it or use a pen and pad. I can write whatever I want so long as I write something real.

Update: For something I love and long to do writing is sure hard to make myself do. It’s difficult to begin or to know where to go. It’s hard to develop a voice and a message and it’s hard to silence my self-doubt and insecurities. It’s hard to make time when what is easier to do feels better now, but in the long run this feels so much worse and the longer it takes for me to begin the harder it is for me to get out of my own way.

This week I will not forget this list. For weeks now I have been setting goals and promptly forgetting them. This week I will not let I must do for others eclipse my personal passions so completely that I forget them entirely. This week I will not put myself on the back burner.


P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 07

Photo by Shaz Sedighzadeh on Unsplash