If We Were Having Coffee // Pretty Much Panicking

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re meeting for afternoon coffee today. I was up early this morning but we had to head out soon after to meet with our wedding planner and a potential D.J. and after we met with my future mother-in-law to go over decor and flowers. It was a stressful morning, but good too. We got another thing or two knocked off of the to-do list, though 4 or 5 more were added in the process, sigh.

But we’re home now and for now, we’re resting, physically and mentally. The clouds are rolling in and there’s finally a breeze blowing through the windows. I’m ready for my second cup of coffee for the day.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. Summer has finally arrived so we’re strictly drinking cold brew over ice in this house and will be through August. Let’s talk about last week!

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last day of the month has snuck up on me and it seems everyone else too. Suddenly summer break is half over and suddenly there seems to be so much to do.

To be honest, though, I’m very much ready for July. Throughout the year there are many new beginnings, especially when you work for a school district and though the kids won’t return for over a month more, July 1st is our technical turn over to the new school year. I’m ready for another beginning especially after a month where I felt as exhausted and over it all as I did this past June, especially this past week.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I was busier this past week at work than I have in any week I can remember.

This past week my training team and I were tasked with teaching not just the hands-on/equipment side of things, but also the classroom/policy side of things as well. So instead of working with a new group of employees for 3 hours a day, we did 7. We had to learn or make up much of the teaching process as we went along and to schedule and assign work on the fly. I think we did well considering the difficulty and our inexperience and I am proud of us all for being able to keep our tempers in check and to laugh the most frustrating aspects of the week away.

At the end of July we have another class as well and though no one has asked us to teach the classroom side again, we all are willing to volunteer to go through all of this frustration again not because we particularly enjoyed it, but because we think we may just be good at it and because what we teach makes a difference in the world. We want to do it because it feels good, and the truth is not many people can say that about the work that they do.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though this week was a stressful one it felt like the last easy week, we’ll have before things get really stressful. After today the wedding will no longer be “in July” it will be “this month”. In just a few weeks I’ll have a new name. In a few weeks, I’ll have to check a different box when asked about my marital status. Soon I will be answering to Mrs. and referring to my girlfriend, finally, as my wife.

This week we worked out a lot of little things, and a couple of big things too, but no matter how much we do there is always so much more left to decide and to plan. We’re pretty much panicking at this point, but we’re trying to remember that no matter what it’s going to be beautiful and no matter what, we will be together through it all.

This week we have a big walkthrough day scheduled for the reception space with both the caterer and our planner which I am so nervous about. I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know what to ask, or what to request, or what I want at all. I feel like other people, mostly strangers trying to make money, are the ones I have to listen to and it’s too late to ask for more time to think. Still, having those who know in the room is comforting too. The weight of responsibility on my chest is lifted even if the one on my wallet remains.

We’re also finalizing my attire and making sure everyone else has theirs too, and getting our music selections figured out. I mentioned we met with the D.J. and with just weeks left to go we want to make sure he has the best chance to make our lives easier on the big day and that means sitting down and deciding, finally, on the songs that will mark the most important moments of our lives.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that one of our biggest wedding worries was what to do with our dog. I had hoped she could be part of the wedding but because we opted for an indoor reception, we just couldn’t make it work. So we found a place for her to stay that had lots of room to play and live webcams for us to watch her while we were away, the only problem was she had to do an interview day and meet all the socialization requirements to be accepted and Lola has never been very good about meeting new people in unfamiliar places.

I worried that she would hate it or worse, bite someone or one of the other dogs and they wouldn’t accept her but she did no such thing at all. In fact, even though she was very nervous and not much in the mood to play with other dogs, she took to the trainers very well and spent the day following the humans around and doing her own thing. She passed her interview day with flying colors and has been cleared to attend day camp with the other dogs and to spend the night there whenever we need. I am so proud of her!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I while I had hoped to have my first essay for my “essay a week” project all typed, edited, and ready to post, it looks like I may have failed before I could even begin.

Technically, I haven’t since my goal was to post a piece for the first week of July and since the first week of July technically begins tomorrow, I technically have 7 more days to get it together. I have a topic, and a few quotes and questions to answer, I just haven’t had the time to write. I haven’t gotten my ass in the chair to get it down on paper, yet.

I’m taking tomorrow off, and my goal is to wake up early and begin, and go one until I feel I have something I can mold into a final piece. My goal is to have typed between 2,000 and 4,000 unedited words by the end of the day. I don’t think it’s too much to ask from myself. 

I know that it isn’t just other obligations, or even exhaustion holding me back. Sometimes even when a project excites you, it can still terrify you too. I’m afraid to fail or to say something stupid. I’m afraid of finding out I’m no good, or of having nothing useful or interesting to say, but I’m trying to remind myself that writing is not something I do for others. I would write—and do write!—even if no one will ever read anything I say. I write because I just like to write and I am writing essays because I just enjoy writing essays, that is all and there never needs to be any more to it for me to go on.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that dark clouds overhead and the rolling thunder I hear in the distance, the storms that roll in so regular this time of year you can tell the time them, lets me know that the evening has begun. It’s time for dinner, and our Sunday night shows. It’s time to enjoy what’s left of my weekend and to get ready for Monday.

I hope you had a good week. I hope that you are coping with the summer heat and that you found some time for fun and sun. I hope that the middle of the year will find you well tomorrow and that you can let go of whatever was holding you down and holding you back in the first half of 2019.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash


If We Were Having Coffee // Retreating from the World

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m up later than usual today having forgotten to turn my weekend alarms on but my mood is at least much improved and I have more energy and feel more motivated than I have in many many days. So, though I don’t plan to leave the house today I still have a busy day ahead. My house desperately needs cleaning and I have more wedding things plan, and, when there is time, I’d like to write something and make time for some self-care things too. It feels good to want to do things again and coffee is only helping. Today is a good day.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The temperature outside isn’t very summer-like (and hasn’t been all week) but I like to pretend so I’ve got the drapes open and the heat turned up, and we have a strong cold brew and vanilla soy milk over lots of ice to complete the illusion. Let’s talk about last week!

“I decide to turn to my old faithful solution to all that is wrong in life. Coffee.

— Lisa Renee Jones, If I Were You

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was another long one. Work wasn’t bad or anything it was just busy. In fact, I was reminded that having to do something isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes the thing you have to do, even if it’s a work thing, even if it’s with coworkers, and even if it’s not exactly what you would choose to be doing, it can still be fun, if you let it.

This week my whole team got together including the other trainers from the other terminals to prepare for our first time training a class all on our own. We’re all very nervous, especially me, but I’m trying to remember that I am a professional, I am knowledgeable; I am quick thinking, flexible, and fully capable of teaching others. Plus, I will have help. It won’t all come down to just me and that even if I were to mess it up completely, I will still get through it and everything will be just fine.

The good thing is I won’t be alone and it won’t all come down to just me. The other good thing is we are all well prepared. We spent at least three hours a day for three days going through the PowerPoint presentation we are going to give. Our biggest problem won’t be what to teach or even how to teach it, but how to fill up a week’s worth of hours when what we teach only takes a couple of days. Luckily, I may have found help for that too and if everything works out, there will be other trainers to take over and I’ll get to spend my afternoons relaxing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week had some sad moments too. My very favorite boss (and one of my very closest friends) found a new job in a place he hopes will leave him feeling less stressed and more appreciated at the end of the day. I’m happy for him but it’s going to be hard not seeing his face every day. He made the place feel like a home away from home and had a way of putting a smile on everyone’s face. He made us want to be a team.

Lately, it seems like everyone is leaving. I’ve been at this job for close to 13 years now and I used to walk in and see the same faces day after day year after year, but now I walk in and everyone is new. Now I walk in and I’m the “old timer”. I start to wonder if I should leave too. I have no real reason to except to seek out more pay but I wonder if it might be nice to be a newbie again somewhere else. I wonder if it might feel good to begin again and not be so known. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this weekend I had no plans at all. There are a few small errands to run and some wedding decisions to make but for now, we are taking it easy.

The highlight was Friday night when my wife to be and I spent the evening at my second suit fitting—which went wonderfully!—and reconnecting over spontaneous and much-needed dinner and a movie date night. We ate at the Whole Foods buffet and saw the new zombie comedy The Dead Don’t Die. The movie wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t for me, and it didn’t help that we had bad seats, but it did help that we had a few cocktails. 

I spent most of the weekend retreating from the world and resting. I’ve been struggling with fatigue for weeks now and as this past week was the worst I have ever been. I never felt rested and having to work through it made me irritable and sensitive. Every day after work I would come home with big plans and to-do list and every day I found myself curled up on the couch napping with the dog sometimes for hours. 

I’m not sure what is causing it. It’s either a side effect of my medication or an ulcerative colitis flare rearing its ugly head because I have been too inconsistent with my medication. It’s hard to remember to take so many pills throughout the day, you know? This week I’m going to try harder though. I can’t get better if I don’t start by taking my care seriously, and only after I am following doctor’s orders to a T can I begin to tweak the regimen.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that besides my very busy and very nerve-wracking work week, I’m looking forward to finding time to write and to read. I’ve fallen very far behind in my 2019 reading goals and though I’m not sure that I can make it up, I still want to get my ass in gear and try. It would help if I would start carrying my book with me wherever I go again and if I would make time before bed for a few pages at the least. 

Writing-wise I am hoping to get the first essay in my new essay a week project drafted. I will be honest with you though, the chances of me beginning on time are pretty slim. I have been procrastinating and whenever I sit down to begin; I feel lost. I’m trying to remember that this is supposed to be fun. I’m trying to remember it doesn’t have to be perfect. I think once I start it’ll get easier but we both know that the first post, the first page, the first of anything comes with the highest expectations.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I am enjoying this time to chat with you, I can feel that fatigue creeping on again. If I want to get a cat nap in before it’s time to cook, to watch my Sunday shows, to get ready for the week and to get to bed on time I had better go now. 

I hope you had a great week. I hope that you are feeling well and taking time to take care of yourself. I hope that wherever you are summer has really begun and that you have gotten out to see the sun and breath some fresh air. 

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Alex Loup on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Thing You Give Away

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ll be honest with you, after a late night out last night, I am moving terribly slow today. I’m proud of myself for rising before 10:00 AM and further for getting a couple of things cleaned up around the house, though not as much as a typical Sunday for me. In my defense, it is also Father’s day and since we’ll be heading to my fiance’s parent’s house for the day I am rather limited on time. Considering all that, I’m doing pretty good!

But, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The weather is feeling much more summer-like than the last few weeks and I got a big strong batch of cold brew that will go perfectly with the late spring breeze coming in through every window. Let’s talk about last week.

but isn’t there always
one good thing
to look back on?

think of
how many cups of coffee we
drank together.”

— Charles Bukowski, Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was such a very long one. I worked my usual hours at my usual location two days this week but I also took three days of classes at a conference I was invited too.

The conference wasn’t at all what I expected or hoped it to be and next year, if I am invited back again, I will opt to take very different classes than I did this time around. It wasn’t that they were boring, uninformative, nor were the instructors ill-prepared or incorrect on any point. The problem was, I knew all the information I was presented with already. I’d been learning it, and teaching it for years myself. I had hoped to learn something new. I was hoping for a challenge, a mind shift, an Aha! moment, something to bring back to my team that would enhance or add to what we already do, but I found nothing like that at all.

I did appreciate the refresher though and two of the instructors I had differed greatly from one another and helped me clarify my own training philosophies and techniques either in agreement or in staunch opposition with theirs. And if nothing else I at least enjoyed the change of pace and I was grateful and honored to be chosen as important enough to attend by my own district.

By Friday I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Many of my coworkers attended the conference along with me and some of them had very different ideas about what our purpose and place there was. There were moments when I was frustrated and moments where I felt embarrassed. I was a hard week and I am glad it is finally behind me!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you this weekend is a very special and a very busy one too.

Friday night after work my wife to be and I spent the evening watching movies, painting our nails, doing face masks, eating breakfast tacos and doing shots of tequila together to kick off Denver’s Pridefest weekend. The week had been hard on both of us and we needed a little self-care, a chance to blow off steam, and a moment to celebrate ourselves!

Saturday we were up early, more self care more taking time to be with each other and to breathe. We walked to the light rail station and headed downtown in the early afternoon to meet our very best gay friends for a day and night on the town.

The day was a perfect one, too hot at first but it quickly cooled down just enough to make us really appreciate the contrast. We walked for hours buying or winning special rainbow edition merch and sharing gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and cans of beer. We had burgers and cocktails for dinner and enjoyed a game of drag queen bingo where both my fiance and I won even more special edition rainbow merch to take home.

Last night we partied. We danced and drank, playing jumbo versions of Jenga and Connect Four, and just enjoyed being a part of our community. I’ll be honest, I may have enjoyed it a little more than I should have and I am feeling it this morning. I don’t regret a single thing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is still moving ahead steadily but we are definitely feeling the time crunch. We’ve just over one month to go now and it seems like no matter how much we check off the to-do list there is always more and more left to go. We are over it!

I’ve said it plenty of times here but we really just want to be married already. We want to be a married couple and that is it. The more we do, and decide, and spend for this event the more I realize that the cliched “it’s your wedding” response to any complaint or frustration is a lie, or at best, a half-truth. It is my wedding but I no longer believe it is for me.

That isn’t a bad thing, though. A wedding, I’ve come to believe, is a gift instead. A gift you pick out, sure, a gift that tells your unique story, sure, but a gift nonetheless, a thing you give away.

This day is for my guests, and our community, our friends and family and supporters. This is how we say thank you, how we show our appreciation, and how we give something back. That is why I feel so much pressure and why I am willing to do so much just to say I do, I want to give back something truly thoughtful and beautiful.

This week we’re going to just keep on matching forward the best we can. We have a lot of little loose ends to tie up over transportation and attire and we have to get going on some of the big DIY projects. We’re also going to apply for our marriage license this week!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that, work wise, next week will be the last easy one before a very hard one I’ve been dreading since school ended. The week after this all my bosses will be off and it will be up to me and my team to teach a new class of employees. I’m beyond terrified but my team is eager to step up and I’m hoping that means at least an even distribution of teaching time.

Writing wise I’m going to start fleshing out some essay ideas I put together last week and working on the execution of my creative project. I found a neat little instructional article on how to write a 3,000 word essay in a day and though I don’t plan to write them all in a day (some I’m sure will be impacted by my chronic procrastination) I thought the step-by-step process could benefit me over the course of days and help me keep going and keep up with my goal.

I’m also getting back to my MOOCs and promising myself to make some reading progress. I know that after this week I may have to scale back again to make room for wedding things as the date draws closer and for work things as we get closer to the end of the summer.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there are dark clouds on the horizon and good smells coming from the kitchen which lets me know it’s getting late and time for me to go be with family.

I hope you had a great week and that you were able to find the balance between the work you must do for others and the work you must do for yourself. I want to wish all the dad’s out there a happy Father’s Day too. I hope you feel loved and celebrated today.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Gaby Baldiskaite on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Celebrate Your Beautiful Selves

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m sorry for the late meeting but I had some early wedding things to do and pressing preparations to make for our upcoming Pridefest plans. After I got home from the appointments, shopping, and family visits I inadvertently fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up (with a headache, a stomachache, and some doubts about what time or day it was) cooking dinner was out of the question. So, there was a quick run for beer and hot wings and then a new episode of HBO’s Big Little Lies, and now I am finally ready for a small cup of strong coffee and a bit of vanilla bean ice cream to go with.

So, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I’ve got a gorgeous new white moka pot I’ve been experimenting with and I think I finally have the right technique down. Let’s talk about last week.

“Black as night, sweet as sin.”

— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

If we were having coffee I would apologize for missing our chat last Sunday. I’ll be honest with you, I have no good excuse for not being here. I didn’t have any critical commitments, and I wasn’t at all sick. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling unmotivated and irritated. I’ve felt really tired and doing anything, even the things I love, got harder and harder to do as the days wore on. Last Sunday, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get up the motivation to finish typing up the post no matter how much I wanted to and I promise you I wanted to very much.

The problem is fatigue. I feel a strange exhaustion in my limbs and behind my eyes that I just can’t shake. Though it’s true, I haven’t been sleeping well I know that this kind of tired needs more than a good night’s rest. I think my medicine, though it’s working and keeping my ulcerative colitis in remission, is also making me feel rather cruddy.

My doctor mentioned months ago exploring the idea of lowering the dose of one medication and I’ve noticed many in my IBD support groups going down to a lower dose on the second medication I’m on. I think it’s time I put my anxiety aside and ask her to consider the option. I’d love to find out who I am with less of this stuff in my body.

If we were having coffee, I would lighten the mood and tell you that this weekend marks the beginning of a very important month for me, pride month! This year’s pride marks 50 years since the Stonewall riots in New York City and the beginning of the LGBT Rights movement in the United States.

Most years we either do a night out with friends or catch the parade just the two of us but this year we are going to do it all. This year we’ll visit the festival during the day to check out some shows, and then head to our favorite LGBT friendly restaurant for burgers and beers. That evening we’re going to get some much-needed dancing and drinking in. On Sunday we may meet late again since I’ll be up early for the parade and brunch, the gayest meal of the day. I have a new outfit and a great and diverse group of friends to celebrate my beautiful self with. I cannot wait!

The rest of the day will be devoted to dads though we’ve made no concrete Father’s Day plans or gifts. I’ve been so last minute on everything this year, sigh. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is going well. We got a few more of our decor items in the mail and many of my accessories are on the way. We got the budget under control and we found out that we may have a few extra dollars in the savings to splurge in new areas we thought we couldn’t. We may get to have a real DJ and a couple nights at an Airbnb nearby. 

Today’s visit with the photographer went really well! This was the first time we met her and we already like her. She seems to understand what we want, and she’s flexible enough to deal with our indecision. We have yet to meet the second photographer but just knowing we have her and our amazing planner has me breathing a big sigh of relief. 

The big issues now are transportation—of us and of all the pretty decor things we have made—and that serious lack of guests RSVPing. I’m almost hurt. I am hurt, but we have a few friends we had to leave out due to the venue capacities that might want to make it. I wonder what my relationship with those who declined will be like after the big day, after the most important day and they didn’t show up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be a busy one. I’m attending another conference though only for three days this time. I’m looking forward to it but because my job sent nearly everyone in our department it feels a little pointless for me to be there, but what do I care? I get paid by the hour and this is at least a chance to do something new.

The only drawback is that I won’t be getting home as early as I was and writing and reading time will take a significant hit. Not that I have been doing a great job lately, anyway. I have been cleaning up my Simplenote app and organizing some of my old ideas into new possibilities. I’ve decided to start an essay a week project in July and without a good place to keep things organized and to hold my thoughts as they occur to me I know I’m doomed to fail.

I don’t know yet if every essay will be posted here, or if I want to write some for Zen and Pi, my old blog I’ve been trying to work out how to revive, or if they will be pitched to other publications. My instincts tell me that for now, these pieces are going to suck and this place is where I give myself permission to suck.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I love chatting with you here it is getting late and if I want to have any chance of a good night’s sleep and any hope of a good morning I had better head to bed. 

I hope that you had a good week and that whatever you hoped to get done you were able. I hope you found time for yourself and that some of that weight you carry has been lifted somehow. I hope all my queer readers stay safe and I hope wherever you are you are able to celebrate your beautiful self soon too.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Featured image via domestikate

If We Were Having Coffee // A Late Night Cup

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling good today but I’m moving slow, which isn’t terribly unusual, but I’m even slower than most slow Sundays. I haven’t been able to muster up the motivation to do much more than work on easy wedding things or to walk to and from the kitchen for snacks. I’m struggling to write or to focus enough to read. I loath to open Coursera and finish my overdue assignments there.

Today was my day. I had nothing pressing to do and nowhere at all I had to be but instead of doing all the things I’d been wanting to do, I simply did nothing at all and now I’m just disappointed.

But maybe coffee and good conversation will help? If it isn’t too late. The sun has gone down but the air outside is warm and the smell of rain still ingers from tonights thunderstorm. You can still hear it rumbling in the distance to the east if you listen closely. Pull up a chair, and fill up a cup, I’ve got some nice dark rum if your interested in spicing up your cup. Let’s talk about last week.

I was feeling very comfortable; the coffee had warmed me up, and through the open door came scents of flowers and breaths of cool night air.

— Albert Camus

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was a long time coming. It was the end of the 2018-2019 conventional school year. It was a chaotic and stressful week, and the weather being so cold and dreary didn’t help matters, but underneath all that anxiety and low spirits there was a sense of anticipation too.

Even though many of us will have to work through the summer the excitement of the children looking forward to long days of sleeping, swimming, eating, playing video games and going on trips rubs off on us and we find ourselves agitated and eager right along with them.

I had two kids graduate this year. One I’ve only known for one year and who only rode the bus half the time. I wished him luck and he thanked me in turn and left. It wasn’t an emotional affair. The other I have been transporting for 2 years and we’d grown close. It was a very different goodbye. I’m happy he’s moving on and glad to know he’s more excited than sad, but this route (which I hope to have for a thrid year in a row) just won’t be the same without him.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I went in for my second suit fitting yesterday and I was very pleased with the alterations. I no longer look like a child wearing her father’s suit. I look the way I imagine myself in my mind. I looked like who I really am. My fiance really liked it too which means more to me than anyone else’s opinion, often even my own.

I almost wish I’d done like her and kept my suit secret the way she has her dress from me but I needed someone to be wit me and she was the only one I wanted with me through this process. So, instead, I’ll be surprising everyone else.

We worked on a few other wedding things this week too. Meeting with the wedding planner and receiving homework really helped get us back on track, though we’re already late finishing that too. We do have our photographer checklist completed and we might have chosen a dessert alternative though I’m still worried about guest reaction to not having cake. We’ve finished up the best man’s suit, got our signs and our chalkboard markers, and put together a vender list for the planner.

We’re going to try to get our budget up to date and work on some of the unexpected expenses that have come up because just holding figures in my head we’re either miraculously under budget with plenty of wiggle room left or I’m wrong, I’ve missed something, or miscalculated and we are wildly past what we were supposed to spend.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that other than the end of the school year, and wedding things, not much has been going on. Not much can go one when I’m feeling so exhausted, so stressed, and with my budget as tight as it has been.

It’s been hard to ask for help. I still haven’t and still don’t want to but I’m seeing more and more that help is necessary. The thing is, you only get to plan one wedding, if you’re lucky, and I just can’t imagine not being a part of every aspect of it. I can’t imagine leaving other people to decide what my day should look like.

But we have less than two months to go now and while our planner assures us that we are on track we feel like there is too much left to do and too little time left to do it in. The fact is I may have to ask for help. I may have to let go of controlling everything and getting exactly what I want and allowing space for people to show how much they care by incorporating their vision into my own.

I guess at the end of the day only one thing really matters, and it has nothing to do with decor, or dessert, or the order of events and everything to do with us finally become a legally recognized family and sharing our love and appreciation for one another and our loved ones.

I’m trying very hard to rememebr that, sigh.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I long ago switched from coffee to wine and the change has done nothing but make me sluggish and tired. I can’t look at ceremony alters or think about what kind of photographs or what to put on the ceremony programs anymore. I can’t keep looking at these screens and if I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow I had better get to bed.

I hope that you had a good week and that you have a safe long weekend. I hope that your summer is off to a good start and that you have time to remember those who fought for you while you barbeque, and swim, and drink.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Julien Labelle on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Better and Worse at Once

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m up early this morning but not as early as I’d wanted to be. I’m up so I can write before the day gets away from me, but I’m not writing as well as I’d like to be either. I’m tired and feeling the pressure of a headache about to arrive. The weather is depressingly grey and I want to go back to bed but there is too much to do for that, so I’m in a bad mood.

Coffee helps though, and so does good conversation, so I’m here hoping to leave better than I came and able to be useful, and productive. So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

She was made mostly of coffee and empty spaces.

— Adelise M. Cullens, Dead Bunnies Make All Eight Of Me Cry

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a sunny and cheerful one. The rains of the week before gave way to summer-like sun and heat and every day felt like a Friday, a fact that sounded better than it felt. Perpetual Fridays lead to perpetual disappointment when you realize that you must still keep waking up and going to work the next day.

Still, the cheer was a nice change of pace. Our school year is ending in the coming week and we are all seeing the light, the relief, at the end of the tunnel.

My new office is no longer my fortress of solitude. We are all having to share and squeeze in for the summer as we move from two buildings to one while the main is being renovated. I love people, and my coworkers really can be great but being just to the introverted side of personality types means I get overwhelmed easily and need to retreat into quiet spaces to gather myself and correct my mood.

Unfortunately, it looks like I’ll be out of quiet spaces. I may have to substitute walks around the block on my breaks instead.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my job is sending me to another conference this summer. I’m sort of regretting the classes I signed up for because just about everyone else from my department is taking the same classes and I won’t be able to bring anything new to the table. I think tomorrow I might talk to my boss and see if it isn’t too late to change.

I also got the news that I would be teaching a class of new employees on my own for a whole week. I can’t even find the words to express how nerve-wracking this is but I’m kind of looking forward to it too. I’ll have a team to help me out and if all goes well, then…they ‘ll probably ask me to do it again and again. Maybe this isn’t a good thing after all?

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Friday night I met with my family and some of our oldest and closest friends to celebrate my youngest sister’s high school graduation.

Her school is a small one, a place for teenagers who have for whatever reason fallen behind and need a calmer, more supportive place to catch up. For this reason, her graduation ceremony was a small one as well. Only some 30 students or so graduated and that meant a quicker and much more intimate and emotional affair.

It was beautiful and seeing my baby sis up there getting her recognition was a beautiful and bittersweet thing. For one, she is the last of us and with her all our childhoods end. The one who is keeping us young is growing up herself.

There’s also my own envy. I didn’t graduate from high school. There was no ceremony, no party, no gifts, and no shining pride from my parents. There was exasperation, disappointment, and resignation. I made my choices. I take responsibility for them as far as I can knowing I was a child with a child’s mind and lacking the support I craved but I wish I’d had what my sister had. A school to give me what I needed and a big sister like me to show the way.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is getting both better and worse at once and I expect the trend to continue through the big day and I’m just hoping that we get through before both of us snap.

Yesterday we met with our officiant as well and I was able to deliver the bare bones edits of a script I’d put together (and by “put together” I mean “copied from the internet and pasted into a Google document”). She seemed to like it and I’ve given her permission to edit it and add her own words wherever she wanted.

We met with the planner today and I’m so glad I hired her. I worried that since we had already done so much that the added expense wouldn’t be worth it, but just today we walked away with “homework”, or, as I saw it, “a direction”. I’d been feeling lost. I’d been feeling overwhelmed and clueless about how to move forward, and she didn’t just point the way, but she promises to light the path as well.

This week the goal is mostly information sharing. I’m going to organize everything I have already done and try to get it to the planner so she can begin where I have left off. The next goal is music. I had no idea there were so many things I needed to pick songs for! I also need to follow up about my suit, our rings, and a few returns we’ve made, inquire about the ring bearer’s suit, and get the sign maker (my little sister) started on her project.

I have a lot coming up at work, at home, and for the wedding, but I am trying to make time still for reading, writing, and blogging.

It was a bad reading week so we won’t even go there. It was kind of a bad writing week too because I was so easily distracted by the warm weather, my good mood, and my need to be with, talk with, laugh with, people. It was, I think a good blogging week if you take into account “behind the scenes” things. It was a good week for organizing, reviving, designing, and of gathering small sparks and starts.

I’m cleaning up Zen and Pi by taking the more personal posts I’d had over there and hiding them. Part of me wants to take them down and resurrect them here again but another part of me wants to leave this place pristine in its separation from those first attempts just as I am trying to separate myself from what I want Zen and Pi to be, now.

I have a vague idea of the kinds of pieces I want to write there and an even vaguer idea of what my intention and mission is, but it’s growing more concrete and exciting. I’m keeping my expectations small and easy, a bi-weekly schedule for now and no endgame in sight.

There’s no intention to make money, gain notoriety or authority. I’m even moving on from the hope of an eventual book. I just want to write, that’s all. I want to write about what I believe and share it and nothing more, for now.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, if I want to have everything ready in time for the big Game of Thrones finale, I had better get going. I’ve got laundry, and dishes, and dinner, and a little cut-and-paste project I’ll post here later if I get around to actually making it, all before I can allow the weekend to end.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope it’s getting warm where you are and spring continues to give you what you need to grow, to bloom, to become what you will be this season.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // It’s All Adding Up

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

This morning is a good one, which is rather rare for a Sunday for me. Yesterday was so joyful and productive that the good feelings have spilled over into a whole new 24-hour block. I’m sure as the day wears on, and Monday begins to loom, that my mood will change (and sour) but for now, for this morning, I’m feeling quite happy and hopeful.

The weather has turned for the better so I’ve opened the house to allow the sun and the breeze to come through freely. The smells of spring are mixing with the aroma of warm blond roast and both are only enhanced by the other. Please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

Smell the roses. Smell the coffee. Whatever it is that makes you happy.

— Rita Moreno

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the work week was a sad, dreary, and emotionally exhausting one.

The weather was cold and rainy. I called it mourning weather after Tuesday’s school shooting at STEM School Highlands Ranch in Douglas County. I still can’t believe it happened, though part of me can very easily believe it did because I am continuously worried about it happening.

The school district I work for is right next to Douglas so when the reports of shots fired began to pour in we were put on lockdown too, though at the time we didn’t know why. Every time a lockdown is announced I’m afraid of what it might mean. Sometimes it’s simply police activity in the area but sometimes it’s, to speak bluntly, our school staff and our children being murdered. My heart sinks my chest fills with the terror, and horror, and fear that the next time it happens I will be present and I may be next.

These tragedies take a toll on the entire education community.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been working quite a lot in preparation for the wedding. We’re getting worried about the budget, though I think we have plenty to spend on the things we want. Still, the costs are shocking and there is always something we forgot to consider or that came up unexpectedly.

My suit will cost more than twice what we had anticipated because we didn’t know how much work the tailoring would take. Decorations are adding up because we simply didn’t know how much we would need. The rings are going to be a bit more because they needed to be sent back for resizing. Everything is adding up but we are doing our best to save where we can.

I’m designing all of our signs and cards—the ceremony program, the seating chart (or escort cards, we don’t know yet), the menu, the bar sign, the “please sign our guest book” sign, etc.—and printing them at work for free. We are making moss the center of our centerpieces to save on flowers and we’re skipping on the veil, the aisle runner, and we’re making the arch ourselves out of copper pipes. I may even make our guest book by hand.

In the coming week, we have a lot to do. The top priority is to work on our ceremony speech and our vows and get the wedding party attire squared away. I’d like to finish up our signs and cards and to begin following up on the RSVPs. I need to order sign stands, pick up some more DIY supplies for the flower girl wands, the ceremony chair decor, and the sign embellishments, and meet with the wedding planner we hired to go over everything. Oh, and submit and photography checklist. Whew!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as nervous as I was about the suit tailoring it actually went very well. None of the bad things I was worried about came true. She didn’t tell me she couldn’t fix it and she didn’t turn me away for being a woman. She even told me the suit was cute! I still don’t know what the final cost will be but we both agree we’ll pay whatever it takes to make me feel like a true bride on our big day.

We spent yesterday checking out our ceremony site for the second time. We are having an outdoor garden wedding but the last time we saw this garden was nearly a year ago and many of the images Google has were taken in the winter when the ground looks barren and muddy. Since spring is springing we thought it would be a good time to take another look and start planning where we will set up, say our vows, and take pictures.

When we arrived the weather had gotten cold again and we realized the flowers hadn’t been planted yet, but the grass was so lush and green that it made it easy to envision the beauty we’ll be surrounded by when we say our vows. Seeing it again I know we made the right choice…as long as the weather cooperates.

Another wedding related decision we’ve been struggling with is what to do about our last names. We both have always wanted to share a last name with a spouse but as the day is getting closer when one of us will have to change we both suddenly like our own last name more. The desire for a shared name hasn’t diminished, only our individual willingness to take the other’s but I think we might have found a solution. Two last names!

This way we can both live socially and professionally under whatever name we choose but we feel more like a family by legally sharing a name. I’m actually super excited about it.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we finally got around to celebrating my birthday with all our friends almost a month after the fact! It’s been so hard to coordinate and to get our schedules to match up but of course we vowed to try harder going forward.

We chose a Chinese hot pot place to try and ended up having a wonderful and lively time. Our small circle of friends has grown a bit from three couples to four so whenever we are out we take up significant space, and we’re loud. We get stares and the wait staff gets impatient but we don’t care. We’re having fun!

I’m hoping for another dinner in a few weeks when pride seasons comes around. My fiance and I are not the only queers in the group and the straights are always willing to come into our spaces too. They’re all good people and it’s nice to have such a supportive crew that understands and accepts totally who you are and where you are in life.

If we were having coffee, I would take a moment to wish all the mothers out there a happy Mother’s Day.

I won’t be spending today with my mother since she has to work, but I’ll be with my future mother in law, whom I’ve known so long that she already feels like a mother anyway. I’ll be thinking of the other important mothers in my life too. My grandmother, my godmother, my sister who has two children already, and another sister who is expecting, my sister in law, and many of my friends too. I thank them all and wish them the best of luck.

I don’t have children myself but I know it’s not an easy job and with every new generation, I’m convinced it gets harder. The world is a different place than it used to be and raising a kid is a whole different thing than it used to be, I know. Mother’s are humans and today they aren’t celebrated for being perfect, but for growing, learning, trying their best. All mother’s make mistakes and all mothers make us who we are. We love them for it no matter what.

I always like to take a moment too to acknowledge those for whom mother’s day isn’t the happiest time. Not everyone has a great relationship with their mother and not all mothers came to motherhood under celebratory or supportive circumstances. Parenthood, in general, is a kind of passing on of the past and there are many who pass on pain. For those who had mothers like that, I see you and I have you in mind today too.

nayyirah waheed, salt 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while the day is still young and as I am loving our chat, I do have to get going. There’s a lot more house to clean and writing to do before I’m off to spend the day with the future wife and her mom.

I hope that you had a good week and that wherever you are rain and tragedy feel quite far away. I hope you accomplished something, made even one small step, or at least failed to fall behind. I hope it feels like summer both outside and in.

Until next time. 

Whipped Cream // Ari Lennox

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Pradeep Javedar on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // I Could Only Do So Much

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re having afternoon rather than morning coffee this week because I’m being lazy and moving slow today. I’m feeling unmotivated and easily distracted but not necessarily in a bad way. I’m doing something like productive procrastination. It’s one of those days where you catch up on podcasts, update blog things, and browse the work of others looking for new ideas and ways of doing things. It’s the kind of day you spend doing important things that never feel very important when you have the energy to do the work.

But I’ve had a cup or two of cold brew by now and I’m feeling a lot more social than when I first woke up. So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“I used that black magical elixir as amulet against all bad things and thoughts for that day. On the other hand, it was a liquid talisman for everybody else, to save them from being strangled by me.”

Mladen Đorđević, Svetioničar – Vesnici oluje

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a long one. I knew it was going to be a busy one, but it still was more than I had expected. Monday was just about the only day I had any free time for me—for reading, for writing, for learning. I did my best to make the most of it but it never works out that my want to be productive and my ability to be productive coincide. I tried, though I admit, not my best.

The rest of the week I was busy either on my route, training new employees or moving more things from my old workspace to my the new building across the parking lot. I did my best to be enthusiastic but fatigue hit me hard this week. Between the gloomy weather we’ve been having, the lack of sleep I’ve been getting, and the new and mysterious pain radiating through my lower back I could only do so much. I was grouchy, distant, and irritable.

By Friday I was on the verge of an unprofessional outburst so I planned to spend the day hiding behind my desk avoiding eye contact and social interaction but the shift to warmer and sunnier weather and the fact that most of my coworkers had the day off resulted in a mood shift for the better. I actually laughed and worked well into overtime without once feeling resentful or tired. It was the most Friday like Friday I’ve had in a long time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the mood slump meant very little wedding planning got done too. I know that I am procrastinating because I am panicking but no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my fear and my worry I just can’t seem to get it together. I spent the day organizing my to-do list and setting some goal to meet before the end of the week.

I have to find a place to get my suit tailored. I know alterations can take weeks to months to complete and I only have 2 1/2 months left to go. The main thing holding me back is not knowing where to start my search and my fear of being turned away because I’m a queer woman.

I also have to start writing up our officiant’s ceremony script and outlining our custom vows. My cousin, the one who introduced us nearly 17 years ago, is going to be the one to marry us, but she has never officiated a wedding before and I know if I don’t get her a script soon she is going to start freaking out.

Additionally, I have to send back our custom engagement rings to be resized. We got them in the mail over a week ago and we love them so much but sadly both are about one size too big. We hate to part with them and we’re worried something will go wrong along the way and we won’t have them in time for the big day. I also have to send back a suit I ordered that just didn’t work.

And finally, I am going to design some very simple table numbers, menu cars, bar signs, and seating cards for the reception. Whew!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have no idea what the coming week will bring. I’m hoping for a break. I’m hoping for just a few small projects and the flexibility and freedom to do them while I write, or read, or catch up on a few lessons. I’m hoping for low expectations but my hopes aren’t too high.

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of the school year and that means all the big projects have to be wrapped up, the buses and the terminals have to be cleaned, and all the equipment needs to be returned. It means we have to get ready to shift to summer quite quickly. People forget there are still a lot of kids who attend classes and programs during the summer months.

We all have to bid new routes or find alternative sources of income until August. It’s always a stressful time for those who work in school transportation because we aren’t guaranteed work and thus, not guaranteed an income.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Not only do I have high seniority but I also have the ability to work in other departments. I typically give up my summer route slot and opt to work cleaning equipment and training other employees so that someone below me might get work they otherwise wouldn’t. Still, I’m just as anxious as anyone else. There are no guarantees for me either.

Next week between wedding planning, writing, and my usual work, I have to make a little time to get a jump on cleaning my bus and getting ready for the work I will do through August. My bosses like to have a list of projects my team and I will complete to justify the hours we’ll be paid.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that between the work and the wedding and the writing I am trying to enjoy the changing season too. The cherry blossoms are blooming beautifully everywhere I turn and their fragrance is simply divine! We’ve had a lot of gloomy rainy weather lately but when the sun comes out, it’s really something. Everything changes in me and the world seems suddenly worth exploring again.

Sadly, we are looking at another week of clouds and rain (and maybe even a bit of snow!) but it’s okay. I know summer is almost here. I know the heat and the thunderstorms are on the way. I know there will be warm mornings in which to jog and sweltering nights to spend on the patios of bars. I’m only sad it’s taking so long to get here, but it’s getting here, and I can wait.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun is low in the west and the time to switch from coffee to alcohol has come. It’s time to start dinner and to finish up the chores too. We’re having fish tacos and a nice dry apple cider for dinner tonight in celebration of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones tonight. I cannot wait!

I hope that you had a good week. I hope that you felt well both physically and emotionally and that the world didn’t place more upon your shoulders than you could carry. I hope you got to feel the sun on your face and that the coming week will be better than the last in all the ways you need it to be.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo via Negative Space

If We Were Having Coffee // I Wasn’t Myself at All

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re meeting a little late today because I had an early morning coffee meeting with a potential wedding planner and afterward we made the rounds to all the thrift stores near us in search of wedding decor items and ideas. It was a good trip out. We found some neat things to use in our centerpieces and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. I’m glad we were able to soak it up before a cold front settles in tomorrow.

I’m home now and ready for another cup of cold brew and another conversation! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

— David Letterman

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week was definitely seeing Avengers: Endgame Friday night. Actually, Friday as a whole was a good day all in all. Work was low-key, but I was much more productive than the four days before combined.

A couple of months ago I moved into a new office area but since I’m not great with change, I’ve still been hanging around my old workspace but on Friday I decided to give the new space a real chance and pledged to spend all my working hours there. It turns out the new space, though far away from my favorite coworkers, is much brighter, more comfortable, and much, much quieter. I’m looking forward to doing more work there and maybe using the space for writing and reading on my breaks too.

After work, we went directly to my fiance’s little brother’s ROTC award ceremony. It’s always interesting to see how disciplined these kids are and to hear how hard they’ve worked over the year. No matter what your feelings about the military or their role in our schools it’s hard not to admire them. I’m proud to say that my future little brother-in-law earned a leadership award from the Order of the Purple Heart!

After the award ceremony, we went out for a date night dinner at our favorite little sushi place, drank too much sake, and walked across the parking lot to sit for three hours through the what might be the best Marvel movie ever released. Avengers: Endgame is so worth the time and money to go see. It was exciting, heartbreaking, and offered just enough closure that we can all walk away feeling ready for whatever the studio is planning next.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week wasn’t very good. Nothing bad happened but I was feeling rather down and irritable. I felt exhausted and no matter how much I slept or how much coffee I drank I couldn’t seem to crawl out of the fatigue. I didn’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I just wasn’t myself at all.

So, it was a bad writing week, a bad reading week, and a bad learning week. I’ve fallen behind in just about every goal I set for the month and I have no idea how I’m going to pep-talk myself into catching up.

Unfortunately, next week will be a busy one and unless I take real steps back toward discipline and focus, I will only fall farther behind. I may have to deactivate Facebook for a while and schedule my Twitter time to keep me out of the time-sucking social media holes that feel so good whenever I feel this down. I’m going to spend this evening working out some concrete goals and daily to-dos to make procrastination harder.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the weekend was much better than the week before. Saturday we did the first part of all the weekend wedding shopping we’d planned. We were all over town and it was a little disappointing to find so many stores out of or missing the things we’d envisioned. Buying online means more selection but I prefer shopping in stores so I can see what I am getting.

I was able to finally settle on a suit, though I will have to get it tailored so that I don’t look like a child in it. It’s so hard being a woman who presents just masculine of center. There aren’t enough gender-neutral wedding suits for queers like me in the world.

It’d be easier if I was taller, or less feminine shaped, but the reality of my body doesn’t match the vision of who I am inside so shopping can be a frustrating and depressing endeavor. Luckily I have the very best girlfriend in the world and through her support and positivity, we found something I could live with.

We were supposed to go out Saturday night for a belated birthday celebration but part of being over thirty in this culture and economy means having close friends whose schedules are always clear when yours is full and full when yours is empty. We’ve been trying to get together for months now and every time I think we’re all going to be able to make it something comes up. We’re planning to try again two weekends from now.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the savory smells from the kitchen are telling me dinner is on the way and the long shadows from the west windows are warning me that it’s time to go. I have to get another load of laundry in and get ready for the Battle of Winterfell on Game of Thrones.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope you were productive but I also hope you rested too. I hope the weather is warm wherever you are and that you were able to get out and soak up the sun. I hope you did a thing or two just for you and that you know that you are worth more than what you offer others.

Until next time. 

Little Things // Sunni Colón

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Fernando Hernandez on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // None of Us Feel Any Safer

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

Today we’re having a late coffee. I had to be up early for a birthday brunch/Easter celebration with my family and afterwards; I was in desperate need of a nap. The kind of nap where you don’t set alarms. The kind of nap which goes on for exactly as long, and sometimes for a little bit longer, than you need. I needed an hour, but then the clouds rolled in and the rain made it two.

But I’m up now, refreshed and ready to chat! So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“It can take me forever to choose the right coffee cup in the morning. And it does make a difference!”

— Joel Grey

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this last week was a strange and frightful one. If you hadn’t heard here in Colorado, we had to close down hundreds of schools while police searched for a young woman from Florida obsessed with the Columbine High School massacre flew to Colorado and upon landing immediately bought a shotgun.

The day she landed I’d happened to have stayed home from work with a migraine and the next day, after she hadn’t been found, we all stayed home while they searched. In the late afternoon we got the news, she’d been found, and she was no longer a threat. She was dead. Somehow though, none of us feel any safer. Quite the contrary. This threat is no longer real, but the threat is bigger, closer, clearer, and more frightening than ever.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the Columbine massacre. We remembered, again, we mourned, again, and we felt the fear, again. I feel for the survivors and their families and all survivors and families of all mass shootings and gun violence. I feel for us all and long for a time when the threat will finally be over, for good.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the rest of the week was pretty good. Despite the madness around me I was able to find time for myself though I didn’t do much productive with it.

I brainstormed ways to revive my old blog and worked on the question of how to separate from myself to write for it in a new way. I’m working on reviving my old newsletter too and preparing for an avalanche of unsubscribes after I do.

Part of me is procrastinating by planning, I know. I know that having a vision, a goal, or a plan is no prerequisite to starting and this week I’m going to do my best to remember that. I’m going to do my best to remember that I did not set out on this journey to write about myself alone.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last time we spoke I was on my way out with my fiance to take some engagement photos a few towns over in the foothills. I never did get a chance to let you know how it went. I haven’t seen the photos yet, and I am terrified of hating them, but taking them was surprisingly fun!

Our photographer was young, building a portfolio and offering short sessions at deep discounts, so we went with her considering that we hadn’t even wanted engagement photos in the first place. She was incredibly encouraging and made us feel as comfortable as we could. She made us laugh and through her prodding and questioning, we even learned a couple of things about each other.

I’m glad we did it and as soon as I have the photos I’ll share one of two with you.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we have accomplished a few other wedding related things. The invitations went out yesterday which means no matter what we are definitely having a wedding now. It’s really real now. We were going to be married no matter what but now we have to do it this way. Now it must be a grand spectacle.

This week we may choose a planner to help us now that we are so close to the big day and still have so much more to do. We booked the caterer and I may have a suit if I can gather the confidence to order. We’ve begun casing thrift stores nearby for decor items and we are starting to think about our vows.

It feels like we have no time at all and it still feels like we have all the time in the world. We’re excited and terrified. We have no idea what we are doing and we’re doing it anyway.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week looks to be just as free and open as this past one was and I am determined to do something more with it this time around.

I’ve fallen behind in the personal goals I’ve set for myself and in the courses I’ve been taking on Coursera. Until now it’s been easy to just watch videos and take quizzes but now I’ve got a few essay assignment and as usual, I’m procrastinating because I’m scared. I’m afraid I don’t really know what I think I know and that I haven’t really learned anything at all. I’m afraid to mess it up and to not get a good grade, but a bad grade and a chance to try again is better than quitting, something else to remember this week too I suppose.

I’m also struggling to get through Notes from Underground, The Double and Other Stories by Fyodor Dostoyevsky so I’m going allot extra reading time between work duties and at lunch.

I have quite a few exciting books lined up to read after if I just need to grit my teeth and focus. I just need to stick to my pages or minutes per day goals I set for myself but Dostoyevsky doesn’t make it easy. This isn’t a book of wild fantasy, beautiful setting, or compelling dialog, but it’s a book with an important idea! An idea I really want to grasp. I have to remember that too.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my coffee mug had run dry and the time for refills is gone. It’s time for a Sunday shot of tequila with my wife to be and episode two of Game of Thrones. It’s time for me to go clear my head and get ready for Monday too.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you were far from both threat and memory of violence and that you got out to see the sun and soak up the spring. I hope your coming week will be warm in all the ways you need and that you make progress to overcome whatever is holding you back.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Izzie R on Unsplash