111 // I Want to Change Too

I’ve attempted to return to some semblance of normalcy today, but no matter how hard I tried to put on the same old face and take the same old steps through my life, nothing felt anything near normal, but it turns out, I’m feeling exactly what I need to feel right now and like all things there is a lesson to glean.

The way I see it from here, normalcy is what lead to complacency, and complacency was the contributing factor that lead to disaster. I don’t think I ever want to be that comfortable again. I don’t want to think this or that can’t happen, this or that is completely safe, or that this or that is all taken care of.

There must be more diligence. There must be more thoughtfulness and courage to tackle what might be scary or uncomfortable. Time has to be made for hard conversations, deep understanding, radical love, and drastic measures. Time has to be made to for feeling, giving, guiding, and receiving.

I’ve been thinking a lot about bravery lately and all the ways it can manifest from person to person. There is so much I am afraid of, but there are worse outcomes than even I can imagine. Seeing what others have to endure and overcome and seeing the courage it takes to do so fills me with both shame and determination myself.

Since my birthday passed, I’ve been thinking a lot about my age too and how slowly my time is becoming a “different time”. I compare my life, interests, pursuits, and values to the changing world around me and more and more the two sides don’t add up. I feel left behind and I know deep down it was because I grew up in a “different time”, a time I realize now failed me miserably.

But I want to change too, and I think it isn’t as hard as people make it out to be. I don’t want to be this time’s failure as others were to me in mine.

112//366

Today, in an effort to enjoy some social interaction outside of the house we met a close loved one in the parking lot of Chipotle to to enjoy a nice meal and some pleasant conversation from the safe distance of inside of our own cars. It was strange but it was nice too. I think this is a small taste of what the future will be like. Of course, it won’t be so extreme forever but this time and terror will be with us for years to come. I may never feel comfortable being so close to other people again.

Yesterday I lamented the possibility of my wife returning to work in the coming weeks and today I am stressing about the prospect of me returning to work too. My boss sent out a series of emails this afternoon asking who had a mask and who didn’t and if we’d be able to return to work the week of the May 4th.

To be honest, I’m freaking out a little bit. I’m not just worries about the virus, but the precautions we are going to have to take are really going to complicate my work. Training already takes weeks as it is, but I may have to maintain distance, do one-on-one training, wear masks and gloves, and disinfect equipment between trainees. Calss time will be doubled at least. The good news is I probably don’t have to worry anymore about my pay through the summer and I might be able to get the hold up over my promotion figured out.

This next part is going to be scary, but it sounds like we’re going to take it slow. I just hope that if things get bad the powers that be won’t let pride or even optimism get in the way to turning back to keep us all safe.