112 // To Be Whole

Time heals. That’s a truth. Time also hurts, and that’s a truth too. I welcome both realities. Sometimes I reject both too.

Seeing others struggle now has me looking back on my life to a time I don’t often return to. I’m ashamed, I realize, of my mental health struggles and I feel compelled to hide those old pains and wounds. I was so irrational, so weak, so wrong about so many things. So I buried it all. Why burden myself or others with what’s long past? Why reveal so much vulnerability and failure? Who does it help, if it helps at all?

The one profound good I fear is missing from my life is living in Truth. Omission is a form of dishonesty, and dishonesty is an insidious kind of infection. It pretends to be a cure and all the while it goes on killing. We hurt because we hide.

But it’s a different time now, not my time naturally but a time I can claim if I can muster the courage and the want. I deserve what we all deserve, to be whole.


Today, in an effort to enjoy some social interaction outside of the house we met a close loved one in the parking lot of Chipotle to to enjoy a nice meal and some pleasant conversation from the safe distance of inside of our own cars. It was strange but it was nice too. I think this is a small taste of what the future will be like. Of course, it won’t be so extreme forever but this time and terror will be with us for years to come. I may never feel comfortable being so close to other people again.

Yesterday I lamented the possibility of my wife returning to work in the coming weeks and today I am stressing about the prospect of me returning to work too. My boss sent out a series of emails this afternoon asking who had a mask and who didn’t and if we’d be able to return to work the week of the May 4th.

To be honest, I’m freaking out a little bit. I’m not just worries about the virus, but the precautions we are going to have to take are really going to complicate my work. Training already takes weeks as it is, but I may have to maintain distance, do one-on-one training, wear masks and gloves, and disinfect equipment between trainees. Calss time will be doubled at least. The good news is I probably don’t have to worry anymore about my pay through the summer and I might be able to get the hold up over my promotion figured out.

This next part is going to be scary, but it sounds like we’re going to take it slow. I just hope that if things get bad the powers that be won’t let pride or even optimism get in the way to turning back to keep us all safe.