111 // I Want to Change Too

I’ve attempted to return to some semblance of normalcy today, but no matter how hard I tried to put on the same old face and take the same old steps through my life, nothing felt anything near normal, but it turns out, I’m feeling exactly what I need to feel right now and like all things there is a lesson to glean.

The way I see it from here, normalcy is what lead to complacency, and complacency was the contributing factor that lead to disaster. I don’t think I ever want to be that comfortable again. I don’t want to think this or that can’t happen, this or that is completely safe, or that this or that is all taken care of.

There must be more diligence. There must be more thoughtfulness and courage to tackle what might be scary or uncomfortable. Time has to be made for hard conversations, deep understanding, radical love, and drastic measures. Time has to be made to for feeling, giving, guiding, and receiving.

I’ve been thinking a lot about bravery lately and all the ways it can manifest from person to person. There is so much I am afraid of, but there are worse outcomes than even I can imagine. Seeing what others have to endure and overcome and seeing the courage it takes to do so fills me with both shame and determination myself.

Since my birthday passed, I’ve been thinking a lot about my age too and how slowly my time is becoming a “different time”. I compare my life, interests, pursuits, and values to the changing world around me and more and more the two sides don’t add up. I feel left behind and I know deep down it was because I grew up in a “different time”, a time I realize now failed me miserably.

But I want to change too, and I think it isn’t as hard as people make it out to be. I don’t want to be this time’s failure as others were to me in mine.


I got my goals out for the week, but to be honest I wasn’t as focused or motivated as I wanted to be today and very little in the way of progress way made. This week will be off to a late start, but Tuesdays are as good a day to start as Mondays. I plan to get up early and to start my routines and rituals right away so writing can be a priority for the rest of the day.

The sun was out but my knee is still giving me trouble, so I couldn’t go for a walk like I wanted to. I’ll try again tomorrow. I have to get out and into the sun soon. I have to move these bones and stretch these muscles. I have to spread out in the world a little.

This afternoon my wife got an email prompting her and the rest of her team to discuss plans for returning to work next week. I’m worried it’s too early and terrified of the risk she may be taking as an asthmatic. I’m not even sure the Governor’s orders allow for her workplace to open and meet the requirements to keep everyone safe and healthy. I just don’t understand. Why do we have to get back to normalcy so soon?

FOr the rest of the world I somewhat understand. The system sucks, but it’s the system we are stuck with and money reigns supreme. Most of us can’t eat, keep our homes, have water, electricity, internet, or healthcare if we don’t go back to work soon, but my wife and I are not one of those people and neither are the powers that be deciding our fate. School is cancelled for the year and we are all still being paid. What’s the rush?