112 // To Be Whole

Time heals. That’s a truth. Time also hurts, and that’s a truth too. I welcome both realities. Sometimes I reject both too.

Seeing others struggle now has me looking back on my life to a time I don’t often return to. I’m ashamed, I realize, of my mental health struggles and I feel compelled to hide those old pains and wounds. I was so irrational, so weak, so wrong about so many things. So I buried it all. Why burden myself or others with what’s long past? Why reveal so much vulnerability and failure? Who does it help, if it helps at all?

The one profound good I fear is missing from my life is living in Truth. Omission is a form of dishonesty, and dishonesty is an insidious kind of infection. It pretends to be a cure and all the while it goes on killing. We hurt because we hide.

But it’s a different time now, not my time naturally but a time I can claim if I can muster the courage and the want. I deserve what we all deserve, to be whole.

113//366

I used writing as an escape today but not in a good way. I was supposed to be working on my course assignments but I wrote an Earth Day piece that I’m not sure I like. The problem is that so much of what I share has been free writing session with little to no editing beyond spelling grammar checks and rearranging paragraphs. What I’d like now is to spend some days on a piece without losing energy or focus.

I’m going to be returning to work in just under two weeks and I have to start thinking about how I can transition what I have learned, what I want, and what I have time now into what I will have time for when most of my day will be filled up with work and the needs and expectations of so many people.

Less time means my goals will take longer. It doesn’t mean they are impossible to achieve. I’ve had a chance to make a start and I don’t want to lose it to poor planning and foresight.

In a way I’m kind of glad I’m going back to work. I miss my friends and my routine and I think as much as both get in the way of my writing and my goals I think they also make both possible too. I need the inspiration and mental stimulation that comes from being with people and with doing things that have nothing at all to do with writing. It seems I need a life in order to have anything to say about it.