319 // Catching Up with Myself

For weeks, maybe months now, I’ve been longing for time to do nothing but what I want to do, even if that means doing nothing at all, and finally that day has arrived. The plan is to catch up on much-needed sleep, reading, journalling, doomscrolling, and more sleep.

The weather has taken a strange turn since this morning. The day started sunny and calm, but very quickly the wind began whipping around the house and dark clouds rolled in on it. I could hear trash cans, and furniture, and things blowing through surrounding yards and all day hoped the fences, trees, and power lines would hold upright.

Besides the cold creeping in through every hidden crack and failing seal and the eerie sounds waking me again and again from those much-needed naps, the winds passed with little more than threats and this evening we’ve returned to quiet and calm.

Inside I’m feeling far from peaceful though. Yesterday I spoke with my doctor and we are officially and finally changing course in my care. There are going to be new medications, new expectations, new hopes, and new norms to get used to—again. It’s a good thing really, because what I am doing isn’t working, but change is always scary.

So, in addition to resting, I’m processing what all of this might mean and how I feel about all of it. I’m working hard to practice acceptance, gratitude, and self-love. I’m forgiving my body and focusing my thoughts on how strong I have been through all of this. Moving forward I’ll have to keep being strong and that means gaining a new perspective. That means crawling out of this funk and finding the blue sky, even if I have to wait for a few clouds to pass first.

I’m doing well again this morning. I have my energy back and my perspective is well to the positive side of things. I suspect the highs and lows I’ve been experiencing are hormonal, or maybe it’s only the weather, or maybe I’m not feeling anything abnormal at all. Maybe everyone goes through this.

There’s a new post up at Zen and Pi, the first new piece of writing there in a year or more, and a tweaked About page. It felt so good to write something outside of journal entries and updates that I am already hard at work on another. I’m hoping for weekly writing but will settle for biweekly or monthly if I have to.

The rest of the day I spent reading. I’m about 50 pages from finishing Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky and things are getting very exciting. I’m ready to give up the whole notion of free will and the tear down the entire justice system to make way for more understand, compassionate, and constructive institutions. As tough as this book has been, I honestly cannot wait to read it again someday.