163 // Saturdays

I’ve forgotten that for some, perhaps even most, of the world, Saturday is considered the end of the week. Working for a school district has conditioned me to consider Sunday the end and Monday to be the official beginning. As such, I know what Sundays are for, and I dread what Mondays mean, but I’m never quite sure what to do with a Saturday.

For the most part, I consider Saturday to be my day, but the designation is vague and subject to whims and cravings. They are the days I sleep in. The days I spend on the couch, binge-watching shows, and eating snacks rather than meals. They are days I go hiking, visit friends, or get a little retail therapy. They are the days I do nothing that could be considered constructive at all, and there is nothing wrong with any of that per se except that at the end, I’m left with guilt and regret.

The guilt I chalk up to capitalism and the culture of productivity and dismiss it the best I can, but the regret is more personal. The regret comes from wishing I’d made a little more use of the day for me.

I’ve decided what’s needed—and what I have the time and energy for—is reflection. That is, time to take stock of wins and losses, successes and failures. Time to make cuts and make changes. Time to make a plan.

I haven’t been so great at that lately. I haven’t been present in my life for a long while now and what little gets done gets done without thought or awareness. Sure, I’ve had moments of clarity and flashes of motivation and resolve. I’ve had nothing more than a few fleeting moments of focused energy and passion. Most of my day—too much of my day—is spent in dense clouds of near unconsciousness. Nothing has been coming in and less has been coming out.

Starting today I’m taking stock of my week and looking back there is much to be proud of. The truth is, I have been making great strides for months now, building confidence and facing many small fears and for the first time, I’m ready for more. It will take some clarity and forethought and I can do that from the bed, from the couch, and all the while I’m watching my shows and enjoying my snacks.

There can still be time for plenty of nothing too.

158 // Purgatory

Mondays are Mondays. There’s really no use in complaining about them or wishing they were other days located further along the week. Each cycle must begin somewhere and every week must have its Monday. It’s only a start, nothing more.

This particular Monday started off well. The week’s workload is light and I’m in a bit more control of my time. The evenings are going to take a little more out of me but my hope is with a few more hours of time and a little more space in my mind I’ll not only get through the tasks and to-dos, but have a little of myself left over for writing.

It’s been months since I touched my paper journal or my logbook. It’s been weeks since I’ve had a handle on a lot of habits I meant to keep up, but not writing by hand or documenting my days has felt like the biggest failure. I’m working on making time first thing in the morning, and perhaps doing different kinds of updates on different days depending on time constraints.

Perhaps half entries some days and updating only the next day on busier days filling up pages for the past days and filling in future weeks or months when I have a little more time? Perhaps nothing will get me back to the page, or to meditating, or to reading, or to taking courses, or jogging, or any of the other habits that have formed and faded over the years. Perhaps failure is the only habit that has endured…

That isn’t true. I have changed quite a bit over the years and only grown healthier, more mindful, more learned and disciplined with age. I’ve already missed so many days it’s hard to want to go back. It’s hard to swallow your pride, to forgive yourself, and begin again from the start. Denial of your faults is everlasting bliss, and procrastination means never feeling disappointment.

Purgatory may not be heaven, but it’s preferable to risking hell.

158 // The Best All Week

I thought this week would never end! I’m feeling much happier today and hoping to get back to work on my personal and writing goals today. The atmosphere at work is always a little laxer on Fridays. Not much gets done, not much is expected, and many of us spend the day socializing, going out to lunch, and leaving early. I plan to take advantage of the relaxed oversight and my improved mood to get back on track before the weekend.


So, that didn’t work out. I ended up socializing and going out to lunch right along with everyone else and just I got home the thunderstorms started rolling in and put me right to sleep. After a dinner of beer and leftover pizza, I spent the rest of the night cuddling up on the couch with my wife-to-be and finishing up the first season of Pose, the available episodes of Handmaid’s Tale, and the third season of Black Mirror.

It was a good day. The best all week.


P.S. After sending them back nearly a month ago for resizing our engagement rings finally made it back to us this afternoon. I’m ecstatic to say that my ring fits perfectly now and I love it even more than I did when I first received it. I finally feel like a bride again.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se